To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Looks like there are plently of disingenuous posters just sparring for their own kicks. Screen them out and scroll on by as they are just derialing the thread.

OP's parents are obviously not people that she can have a sensible conversation with. Having seen OP and the children on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week, her mum is wailing because OP won't be seeing them today. This is not normal behaviour.

Who's mentioned inheritance?

Who even knows if there'll be one?

Why are you making stuff up?

(But, to be fair, the OP needs the compensation!)

If someone said you can have a few thousand pounds in 50 years time but you have to be treated like shit on a weekly bases, would you agree to it? Or is it only from the happenstance of birth that putting up with poor behaviour and complete disregard of boundaries is acceptable?

Edit to add: if the op is in a position to be able to afford Xmas in a hotel, I’d go as far as saying that there’s no great need for a possible (and never guaranteed anyway) parental inheritance. No one should toe the line for a ‘maybe inheritance’.

Minimum grace? This isn't about showing them minimum grace. This is about her parents overstepping boundaries, throwing their toys out of the pram if they don't get their own way on anything, being jealous and petty about their daughter's inlaws, and stomping all over anything the OP and her husband want as a family and crying (mum) or going into a rage (dad) when they speak up for themselves.

A wild guess but maybe op told them... I mean it's just as likely the parents hacked into ops email and found out that way... it's 50 50 really 🙄

Lmao are you for real.

Yeah that fixes everything, well done. Instead of have them forced on her table, OP could have told them they weren't to sit with them. So then the piece of shit manipulative bully parents could do their whole performance, wailing at their evil daughter, cruelly denying them Christmas with their family. Then they could glower/wail/scowl/"ohhhh I can't possibly eat now, you've ruined my Christmas" from three tables away amongst the other diners. What a fucking glorious idea.

The stupidity on this post is almost equal to the mother's manipulation. Almost.

Some people have no idea, no idea at all. And having no idea and being called out for frankly stupid "suggestions" doesn't make other posters "rude." OP is clearly from a toxic, narcissistic family. Who have trampled all over her. Beaten her down to always require their approval and trained from childhood that she must appease them.

Yeah, she should just tell them to back off. Dumb old OP, why hasn't she thought of that before eh. That easy innit hun.

Some people have no idea what it's like to feel sick when you hear tyres pull up unexpectedly on your drive. How these people affect your relationships. Bully you into adulthood, often the only family you have, certainly the only parents you have ever known.

Congratulations if you have no idea. But at least attempt to read OPs posts.

OP's parents asked the hotel to put them on a table next to OP and her family so there was no getting away from them.

I presume that either all the other tables were booked and/or OP didn't want to witness the hysterics from her parents if they moved tables away from them.

So odd not to bring the kids’ presents too. Surely bringing them would be in the spirit of the ‘joyful Christmas surprise’ they were treating you to

OP's parents asked the hotel to put them on a table next to OP and her family so there was no getting away from them.

And in the room next door......how intrusive and utterly bizarre.

I can see what your parents are like 0P, I think your DH question was perfectly reasonable, I don’t think he did anything wrong. My only suggestion for next year is hotel considerably further away!

Unfortunately for OP, that will never happen. She would be much happier without her narcissistic, borderline abusive parents in her life.

Having already seen OP and the children on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week, her mum is already wailing down the phone about not seeing them today so no chance of them not wanting to see OP again.

Some people have no idea, no idea at all. And having no idea and being called out for frankly stupid "suggestions" doesn't make other posters "rude." OP is clearly from a toxic, narcissistic family. Who have trampled all over her. Beaten her down to always require their approval and trained from childhood that she must appease them.

I suspect there are two kinds of people here. Those who have been lucky in not having an excessively difficult family and are blindly ignorant to the real issues that people like the op face in keeping the balance without causing herself distress. Or they are the difficult people in their family and are taking out their own anger or worry that people are getting fed up with them out on the op.

This was deliberate so that they could string out the manipulation and control and insist the OP attend theirs for another day (today) so the DGC could get their gifts.

Imagine withholding gifts from your DGC on Christmas day!

The best Christmas gift (that would last a life time) would be take your family away from these dysregulated emotionally violent and volatile characters. Your own MH and emotional well-being and that of your DC will be preserved.

@merrychristonabike your parents are abusive and manipulative. I’d honestly go NC with them as LC won’t work with their sort.

You don’t need to keep these parents in your lives.

Your children don’t need to be exposed to such behaviour. They need to learn they can stand up to it. They need to learn we don’t need to accept this behaviour from anyone regardless of who they are.

Just imagine your children facing this behaviour from in-laws. Would you tell them that’s the way it is and suck it up - or would you suggest as they have tried everything else possible - they should go no contact?

Think of your family’s future mental health and quality of life.

Most of them are just contrary arseholes . The "some random shouted and swore at you? Have you considered they're having a bad day and invited them over for a cuppa and chat ? If not you're a selfish , heartless poor excuse of a human being" type.

Her parents arrived on Christmas Eve and left on Boxing Day. When they booked with the hotel, they asked to be put in a room next to OP's family and on a table next to OP's family. All this without asking OP if that would be OK. In no universe would this be normal behaviour.

If you read all OP's posts, her parents, particularly her father, are a lot more than a bit much.

This.

Agree ... or as PP suggested they are the 'High Conflict Personality' in their own families and recognise this behaviour (uncomfortably?) but double down to justify it.

Take you and your family well out of their emotional punching distance @merrychristonabike if you want to be the person who breaks the generational trauma. Never expose DCs to this atmosphere directly - or even indirectly if you and your DH are preoccupied and stressed by them.

This!!! 👆🏼

I would, why shouldn't he? He has known them for 11+ years.

'Minimum grace' does not mean allowing yourself to be constantly manipulated by threats, anger, tears and gaslighting, and generally being everyone's doormat.

Good grief have you actually read the posts?

Also, what would that be teaching the DC? It's teaching them to accept that manipulation and abuse is normal in relationships. That is incredibly damaging. OP standing up for herself is also standing up for her children too.

I've read all your posts, op, and am so sorry for you and your family because your parents are so badly behaved. They do not appear to have any insight to their attitudes.

This particularly stood out for me in your first post: "...my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws".

How selfish and uncharitable!

Do your parents have any friends with whom they socialise? If so I wonder how they behave with them.

Better luck next year, tell everyone you've booked somewhere but stay at home :-).

Totally agree. You can always tell the people lucky enough to come from normal families. I always hope they never meet someone similar to the OPs parents - they’ll be chewed up and spat out if they ever do.

Exactly this. Potentially receiving an inheritance (the ops parents may not own property, or it all might go on resthome fees) is not a reason to be treated like shit by your parents and be manipulated into doing what ever they like. Madness.

My daughter will inherit my house/money and I’ll also treat her as autonomous person in her own right as an adult. Because that’s being a normal family, not a dysfunctional one.