To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Spoke to parents on phone today. Mum is denying any knowledge of what dad said to DH on xmas eve and dad said DH is in the wrong and how dare he and doesn't respect him etc etc. he is fuming that he is "getting the blame for this".

You need to go NC.

You need to have a conversation and hold your own parents to account.

This is the very clear advice always given here when this is the OP’s MiL who has stepped out of line.

( funny that this thread has a much gentler, broader, relaxed approach when it is a female’s parents, rather than the in laws….🤔).

But you didn't read the post clearly.

So they aren’t pleased when you spend alternate years with your in-laws
So you invite them to join both families and they are rude to your in-laws
Your dad doesn’t like your DH and has told you so..l
And your mum cries because she doesn’t get her way…
Why do you want to gave anything to do with these people?

The way they speak about your DH would be a dealbreaker for me. Do you want your children to grow up knowing granny and grandad are nasty to daddy?
And their rudeness to your in-laws is totally unacceptable.

Do you live near to them? Because I would seriously consider going NC for a while. And if you do, I would tell them why.
I would also be very reluctant to expose your children to them they sound really manipulative people and I wouldn’t trust them.

Remember, you chose your DH but you didn’t choose your parents and it’s 6heir behaviour that has forced your decision.

Really appreciate this post as you clearly understand. We're the same - it starts in September

Thanks you for the wishes - and the same to you! It certainly takes the spirit out of christmas.

As a parent myself of adult DC I do think the behaviour of your parents was awful. I cannot imagine myself just turning up in this situation. It isn’t as if you haven’t seen them for years and someone else has arranged it as a joyful surprise for you.
It was effectively a ‘fait accompli’ so that you couldn’t turn their presence down.

Manipulative people often believe that everyone is just like them; I wonder if they think that your DH arranges this getaway to exclude your parents? By turning up they may have thought they were outmanoeuvring him. They sound competitive and jealous anyway. Are they like this with your sister and her family?

If DH ever suggested such a plan to me I would tell him he was bonkers and to let our DC enjoy the Christmas they had planned. Then do something special for ourselves.

Wow not only is your mum a manipulative emotional blackmailer with her hystrionic floods of tears turned on full flow when she wants to get you to comply with her will....she is also a lying gas-lighter.

Your DF is an agressive, emotionally violent, volatile bully.

Did he erupt with anger at your DH in front of your DCs?

I would go NC and block off all methods of communication for at least 6 months - they need boundaries need boundaries and timely consequences.

They are emotionally dysfunctional and dysregulated and shadow and drain your lives.....they are taking your finite positive energy and headspace which should be directed to your DC and your DH.

Hello to the OP’s parents?! 🙂

Have you really not read the OP's posts?

The unkind and selfish ones were the OP's parents

If it had been me the tone would have been very sharp

She doesn't...

It was very appropriate

"Gee, mum. So it's okay for you to rock up uninvited and literally ruin our Christmas and make it all about what you and dad want, but 'I've' ruined your Christmas. I don't think so. We will not be seeing you for the rest of the holidays. You've already crashed and taken over our 3 days of designated family time. We're also going to take some time to think about how this is going to work going forward, because you and dad have made it very clear you don't respect me as an independent adult who is married with a family of her own, that you don't respect boundaries, and that you don't respect anyone's ideas who don't align with your own. It's also clear you don't respect my DH, the man I married. We are a family unit, a team, and you don't respect that. Please don't call or message me or DH. We will reach out when we're ready. If you do, I will block you on X and X, and I'd rather not have to do that."

Something along those lines. In writing. Then mute them.

Are we reading the same thread? You seem to be making up your own version of events.

Sounds like you'd be better off on the Stately Homes thread rather than AIBU, although to be fair OP I think the majority of people "get it" here. It sounds like you've done everything you can, you've had sit down conversations with them and nothing has changed so it will have to be grey rock, low contact or no contact. Can you do that? Start by not getting the presents?

If you are going to accept the inheritance, have the decency to show the minimum grace to your parents.

Sounds perfect

I have lived your life OP, so you have my sympathies! It's their way or the highway, I ended up going no contact as I couldn't cope with their demanding and manipulative behaviour anymore.

My dad is also an aggressive blow-up angry personality. I did come to realise he was like this due to my mother's incessant whining at him about whatever was bothering her, so he would do things to appease her, which would make whatever situation worse, as it was in direct opposition to my wants. Complete Nightmare! Anyway just a thought for you about your parent's dynamics and your father's actions, as my mother is manipulative and sounds like your mum. Oh and my parents also withheld Christmas presents from their grandchildren as we weren't complying with their demands.

Good luck OP.

Thats a very clear and comprehensive message, I hope the OP feels able to send something like that (and ignore the posters who seem to be responding to a different thread!)

Did you do Comprehension at school?

They didn't need your permission to be at the hotel.

Oh come on. This is ridiculous. I don’t need permission to book a table in the restaurant where my friends are having a romantic dinner, but it would still be fucking weird to do it.

But surprises are never nice and often backfire...

You spelled doormat wrong.

She obviously thought you were either trying to be funny or that you were being ridiculous.

You are definitely ridiculous in policing people's use of the Reaction button.

Hotels tend to go all out if they're open at Christmas

They have activities for the children - often including Father Christmas
They have parties and entertainment
Christmas dinner

We are not talking a Premier Inn here

And it may well be in a lovely part of the country with walks and other things nearby

We don't know. But if the OP has done it more than once it can't be that miserable can it?