To think men and women are actually programmed differently?

[Isittjustme]

I have spent many years believing a lot of men just don’t get on with things in the same way women do (ie ‘seeing’ the jobs to do in the house etc) because they are socially conditioned not to. But… since having ds and watching my partner really do his best but basically be far less good at parenting than me, I have started to wonder if men and women are actually just programmed differently.

DP really does try (at least I believe so). But he doesn’t get a good system going with ds when doing a nappy, just one example, he will often be flailing around or forget to wash his hands etc. He will forget to blow on the food every once in a while.. there’s so many more examples and they are small things I guess, but in contrast I rarely do these things. And I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent, I’m not. But I recognise this with my friends and the men in their lives too, it’s the same sort of thing.

DP has a good job and does it well. He’s quite a sincere man and I think he really does try his best. This makes me think perhaps some of it is innate for women and not for men?

I really think it's all genetics. Down to what job you end up with. So men being vastly worse at domestic tasks in general is unsurprising.

No
so very wrong
read cordelia fine Delusions of Gender: The Real Science Behind Sex Differences

Yes, I think you’re right with the nuances.

See, I’m a lot more like what’s presumed a man in this thread. No inclination to do housework, see it as unimportant and get someone else to decorate and clean my house for me. I like it nice, tasteful and tidy but I’d no idea how to actually achieve it.

No idea what to do with a baby or young child, out of my comfort zone. My ex knew far more about babies, their needs and liked interacting with them, whereas I’ve no clue how to apart from making eye contact and smiling and speaking in a reassuring tone when they scream.

Crafts, sewing etc… Hopeless no matter how hard I try.

Fashion and beauty I’m ok at which is probably the only thing, but that can be learned/ is off-the-shelf, and I still wouldn’t trust myself to do my own hair.

All the traditional men’s tasks I find very intuitive and easy. Can’t relate to women describing certain tasks or situations as ‘intimidating’.

No but breastfeeding supports bonding and building a healthy attachment and formula feeding does not.

FYI.- I have formula fed and I understand that sometimes you have to do what works for your family.

How can men do demanding complex jobs,healthcare,military, engineering but can’t change a nappy
Come the fuck on and stop excusing inadequate male parenting.
raise your standards stop making excuses.Enough with the neurosexism

Yes, I agree with you. While men can and do learn to do these things well (my husband being an example), I think it isn't as intuitive for them.

Well it is true semantically. Women are better at mothering. Men are better at fathering, only because of the language we use! To me, they’re both ‘parenting’ and there is no real distinction between the two apart from the giving birth and if you choose to breastfeed. Other than that, both are able to provide and love a child and bring them up the best way they can. Let’s not pretend there aren’t shit mothers, just look at the threads on here!!

Well I definitely do agree that men are capable of parenting and a father is better than any woman at looking after his own child.

No.no
attachment is an emotion and psychological state embedded in consistency,regard and love. Attachment is not solely mode of feeding
Given vast majority babies are formula fed there is not an attachment crisis in uk

You say you used to think it was because of upbringing/socialisation, OP. What made you question that? Because tbh there's nothing about the examples in your OP about your DH that would be unlikely to be the result of socialisation.

"can you put the washer on this afternoon please?" I said,
"I don't know how to use the washer..." He said..
"What do you mean you don't know how to use a washer?"
"I don't know what the settings all do, I'll leave it till you get in and you can do it .."
"...."
"Hello?...."
"... So you're telling me you can build a pc, set up a games console, organise surround sound in the living room and use all the pc programs they need you too whilst at work, but you can't turn a dial to pick a wash on a washing machine? Are you taking the fucking piss?"

Or words to that effect.

He had the washer on by the time I got home and he was out of my life within a month. (Not just for that...but partly...)

No. Some men are just lazier and more thoughtless than their female partners, in large part because they know their partner is picking up the slack when they don’t pull their weight properly and the bloke is in the habit of knowing his partner will manage what he doesn’t.

My husband is every bit as capable and competent a parent as me. He doesn’t make silly mistakes like not blowing on food or flailing about with nappies because he’s an equal parent in every sense.

Your husband might broadly be a decent man but he’s a worse parent than you because he isn’t trying as hard and he knows you’ll pick up his slack, not because of some innate biological programming that makes him less competent.

Is it intuitive for me to be a good engineer? Most of my counterparts are men. I don’t think they are any better or worse than me because they have a penis. It certainly was not intuitive for me to be a parent. I learnt it as did my husband. I think that narrative is flawed and harmful, not feeling like you’re a good mother because you don’t immediately know how to do it doesn’t make you a bad mother and could possibly contribute to PND. You don’t love your child any less because you don’t automatically know how to hold a baby or change a nappy.

I've been known to ask "aren't you embarrassed about that?" To men who say shit like "I can't work the washer". It's embarrassing.

Kerthefuckching - that’s how you do it

Absolutely this. What a load of rubbish.

Feeding a baby supports bonding and building a healthy attachment, it doesn’t matter how you do it. It also isn’t the only way to bond or build a healthy attachment.

It’s often why people other than the parents like to give the baby a bottle.

Can you read?

If a woman is literally holding her baby for longer in the day and having her baby close to her she is going to have a better bond with that child. It also reduces the risk of postnatal depression which is incredibly common and can prevent women from bonding with their babies properly. I know the difference between bonding and attachment but they are interlinked.

You are so anti-breastfeeding that you are literally denying the benefits of it.

Next you are going to tell me we shouldn't be promoting attachment to a primary care giver. Let the dads take charge and give baby a bottle.

Ok, you’re introducing a new tangent to deflect from your poor points
I have correctly said attachment isn’t solely achieved by breastfeeding one can formula feed and have a secure attachment. I have explained to you how attachment works, it’s an emotional & psychological state. Attachment is Not nutrition dependent

Breastfeeding is optimal, and has benefits. Formula isn’t suboptimal it’s nutritionally safe and different to breastfeeding

Do refrain from silly outbursts, read my posts (carefully)

Yes, men and women are different and given some of the batshittery on here I’m glad as it balances things out 😂
On a more serious note people just do things differently, when it comes to parenting men are taught from the moment a baby is born that they’re the secondary parent because of hospitals (e.g. visiting hours) etc. Then society teaches them that they “have” to go back to work and provide. What that often creates is a dad trying to do things the way the mum does and getting it “wrong” rather than learning for themselves.
I’m sure I’ll get flamed for that but it’s just my view.

Ok, you’re introducing a new tangent to deflect from your poor points
I have correctly said attachment isn’t solely achieved by breastfeeding one can formula feed and have a secure attachment. I have explained to you how attachment works, it’s an emotional & psychological state. Attachment is Not nutrition dependent
Breastfeeding is optimal, and has benefits. Formula isn’t suboptimal it’s nutritionally safe and different to breastfeeding
Do refrain from silly outbursts, read my posts (carefully)

Babies can and do form attachment to more than one care giver.

My DH is just as capable of taking charge and giving bottles as I am.

I have correctly said that breastfeeding supports bonding. Why is it so hard for you to accept that and start lecturing me about how it is not the ONLY factor when I never said it was. I said it supports bonding.

The word primary is there for a reason. You don't have to be the primary attachment figure if you don't want to be.