To think men and women are actually programmed differently?

[Isittjustme]

I have spent many years believing a lot of men just don’t get on with things in the same way women do (ie ‘seeing’ the jobs to do in the house etc) because they are socially conditioned not to. But… since having ds and watching my partner really do his best but basically be far less good at parenting than me, I have started to wonder if men and women are actually just programmed differently.

DP really does try (at least I believe so). But he doesn’t get a good system going with ds when doing a nappy, just one example, he will often be flailing around or forget to wash his hands etc. He will forget to blow on the food every once in a while.. there’s so many more examples and they are small things I guess, but in contrast I rarely do these things. And I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent, I’m not. But I recognise this with my friends and the men in their lives too, it’s the same sort of thing.

DP has a good job and does it well. He’s quite a sincere man and I think he really does try his best. This makes me think perhaps some of it is innate for women and not for men?

I think there are two axes - natural ability and general competence. Low natural ability can be made up for by general competence and vice versa.

I grew up rurally, and there were very few involved fathers in the natural/farming world, but they do exist. And there were plenty of lousy disinterested mothers.

For example, one of our hens always lost at least half her chicks. She'd do dumb stuff like take them down by fast water, or just reappear with half of them gone for no particular reason. None of the other hens ever lost more than the odd one (her sister was an excellent mother). And one of our cockerels was always very attentive to the hens with a brood - he'd pick out choice bits of food for them.

I've also seen two male cats show an excess of tender interest in kittens that definitely weren't theirs - hunting for them and grooming.

In fact, my current tom cat adores babies of all species. He was found protecting a nest of mice this summer (possibly ate mum but thought the babies were cute), and he loved my baby son.

Don’t ever let yourself be fooled that your man’s shitness is inherent.

👆👆

Exactly. They can be perfectly competent when it suits them.

Yes. We are a dimorphic species. The males and females are absolutely very different and evolved to follow behaviour patterns that helped our ancestors survive.
Nobody says gorillas or lions or seahorses of different sexes should or can behave the same. We are very clever so we can fight our instincts quite well but they are always there.

Women are much better all round IMHO. 😁

Men: Can design Tesla cars, rockers that fly to the moon, washing machines, microwaves, skyscrapers..

But can't remember when the wife's birthday is..

It's selective incompetence.

If they can hold down a job, pass a driving test, research and spend money on a hobby like golf or fishing or cycling... They're perfectly capable of doing every normal life activity... They just choose not too because they have a mommy to do it and then they get a replacement mommy..

Fuck that poo

What do you think single dads or two dads do with their children then? Just low level neglect them and bring them up with poor hygiene and a lack of regard for their safety in dirty houses where nothing is remembered, done in time, done properly or often forgotten at all?

Boys and Men are afforded the luxury of being forgiven for things due to their sex. In the same way that women and girls are often measured to be lacking/not doing enough due to their sex.

This then manifests itself in mothers who work their fingers to the bone for fear of judgement and (in the main) fathers who really have to do so very little to be deemed Good.

I do think men and women are wired differently but it doesn’t make either any less/more capable.

We learn differently and have different ways of doing things.

If he had to learn and cope alone, he absolutely would but he doesn’t need to because (subconsciously or not) he knows you will do it.

💯

Look up how the war impacted women.

Women were traditionally homemakers but during the war were forced/encouraged to work and were made to feel guilty for not doing so.

They were incredible and worked just as hard and were just as capable as the men.

After the war, the government wanted women out of the workplace and back into the home and a lot of money was pumped into making women feel guilty for wanting to work (this is where mum guilt stems from).

Research was funded into finding things like attachment theory, which is absolutely true and so important but the government was hell bent on proving that a woman’s place was in the home that they pumped loads of money into ‘proving it’.

So just as women are just as capable of working, men are just as capable of being parents, cooking and cleaning etc.

DH works 2 days a week and I work 3 days a week. We have a 3yo and 1yo.

He has spent so much time with them out of his own choice and still is like maybe 3% as intuitive as I am with the kids. He cannot hold as many things in his brain as I can. He just can't see that DS2 clearly needs a poo whilst cooking dinner and holding the 1yo. His eyes are just not at the back of his head.

Women are far better at mothering and we should be proud to say that we are better at caring for our children in a nurturing way.

No
Dont Present opinion as definitive fact. Opinion isn’t evidence
Women aren’t innately better at nurturing

Our brains are so different, our genes are so different, there is so much advantage as a society for us being different and working as a team.

If you read up on the gender difference in neuroscience there is a clear distinction in the way we experience the world. It is nothing to be ashamed about and we can be proud for it as women.

I think there might be a case for the influence of oestrogen on parenting ability, but I think the examples in your OP are either lack of common sense or lack of interest and probably not down to wiring or hormones.

My DH is better than me at all the common sense stuff like blowing on hot food and reacting quickly to situations, whereas I (who has a sad lack of common sense) have been a far better parent of older children/teens as I'm more logical, tend to think more towards long term outcomes and have a generally calmer and more laid back personality.

It’s a lack of effort for my DH. He sees domestic chores as unworthy of his intellectual/cognitive ability.

He will listen to podcasts/constantly check his phone and get sucked into texting long texts, whilst making dinner so will get distracted and things boil over or burn or he forgets bits. Or it’s served really late. If he cooks Xmas dinner and there are people round he manages it. If we have guests he can do it.

He missed some really important things for DC whilst in charge. It made him feel really guilty so then he put a system in place and suddenly he remembers stuff.

He doesn’t look after things. So my stuff has been ruined. But his new stuff for his hobby gets looked after really well. So he can remember how to look after certain things and do it when it matters to HIM.

He is capable of good listening skills and empathy for people he works with but if I cry he claims to not know what to do and gets frustrated with me.

He can stay calm when people are getting upset and calm them down in his job but not when it’s DC - he gets dysregulated too.

It’s a choice about where he puts effort in. When he chooses to engage his skills and abilities.

It’s internalised misogyny.

Those tasks have been ‘just women’s work’ for years whilst men had ‘the big important job’ - so those caring and domestic tasks are seen as unimportant and not requiring much effort. They are easy so why put any effort in?

Except anyone who parents, keeps a house, cleans etc knows that these roles can be done poorly or well and to do them well takes thought, knowledge and effort.

If hes hanging up the washing - even if it's haphazard he obviously CAN do it. Doesn't mean he has to do it your way

Of course men and women are very different. As are males and females in every type of mammal. Why would we be different?

It’s not that black and white. It’s degrees of different things. No two women are the same. No two men are the same. Whilst there are patterns this in no way is set in stone or universal.

There’s no evidence for what you claim. I’d suggest you read Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender.

Oh he absolutely knows when his child needs a nappy change. He just pretends not to, hoping you'll take over. Don't be fooled

It's not gender, it's personality - my DH is a better parent than me and my DC prefer him.

My mum was a better parent than my Dad - my mum's mum was an awful parent (abusive) and her father was better.

It really just comes down to the individual. Your DH is a bit crap at parenting but that doesn't mean all men are.

Equally, some mums are crap parents too.

Mary Wollstonecraft was pointing out the flaws in this argument in 1792. Glad to see we’ve come so far…

Neuroscience and fMRI have not definitively shown significant differences between men and women in nurturing
Cordelia Fine does an exemplary job of debunking neurosexism, the type you’re erroneously reproducing

Women brain aren’t wired for nurturing

I suggest you do some reading , I have done plenty
Start with Cordelia Fine
Delusions of Gender: The Real Science Behind Sex Differences

Yes but we have clear differences in our neuroanatomy, neuroscience and genes. There may be rare circumstances with genetic mutations but otherwise we have set differences in the way our brains work and in the way our bodies react to hormones and neurotransmitters. Men don't have breasts and they can't deliver a baby. Men are not necessary for the survival of an infant in the way women are. It makes sense for us to be biologically in tune with our infants especially.

How much does he do these things compared to you? If an equal amount , then yeah maybe there's something wrong with him, if it's less than you... well duh!

Women are far better at mothering and we should be proud to say that we are better at caring for our children in a nurturing way.

This is just not true.