To think men and women are actually programmed differently?

[Isittjustme]

I have spent many years believing a lot of men just don’t get on with things in the same way women do (ie ‘seeing’ the jobs to do in the house etc) because they are socially conditioned not to. But… since having ds and watching my partner really do his best but basically be far less good at parenting than me, I have started to wonder if men and women are actually just programmed differently.

DP really does try (at least I believe so). But he doesn’t get a good system going with ds when doing a nappy, just one example, he will often be flailing around or forget to wash his hands etc. He will forget to blow on the food every once in a while.. there’s so many more examples and they are small things I guess, but in contrast I rarely do these things. And I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent, I’m not. But I recognise this with my friends and the men in their lives too, it’s the same sort of thing.

DP has a good job and does it well. He’s quite a sincere man and I think he really does try his best. This makes me think perhaps some of it is innate for women and not for men?

Absolutely correct. It’s utter nonsense

See Zone2 response to you. It’s not that clear cut. It’s also terrible for women and men to assume we are so different that only one sex is good at XYZ.

Men don't have breasts and they can't deliver a baby.

And how does this translate into being a better parent? what aspect of being female makes a woman biologically better at changing nappies, doing the laundry or cleaning??

If you wasn’t around then he would find a way to cope and do just as good of a job as you.

You know he is just as competent as you, else you wouldn’t leave him alone with the kids.

There will be other things your DH is brilliant at and you’re not.

It might be the way he plays, his imagination, or the way he nurtures as your child gets older.

Or that’s just your DH because mine isn’t like that at all. He’s just as nurturing as I am, maybe even better.

I’m not a far better parent than him at all.

Neurosexism, habituation and excusing inadequate parenting as maleness are all unfortunately tired tropes that are trotted out again and again
Its tiresome

I said mother's are better at mothering and nurturing. I never said they are better at doing the laundry and cleaning by nature.

I dont think so. In my relationships its always been the man who has seen the mess and fixed it. I live like a slob!

In 2024, women aren’t necessary for survival either once the baby is born. Formula is a wonderful invention that makes breastfeeding a choice and not a necessity for survival.

I recommend this substack essay on the mental load by Rachel Hewitt. As she says, these men wouldn't dream of not learning how to do quite complicated tasks at work. It's a long read, but worth it.

https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/how-to-manage-the-mental-load-of

I said mother's are better at mothering and nurturing. I never said they are better at doing the laundry and cleaning by nature..

Fair enough but you did say your DH can't 'hold as many things in his head' because he's male.

There is no evidence that the things you are suggesting are correct.

Or maybe he doesn't want to deal with the poo?

I'm confused - surely you notice your DS2 needs a poo because you've paid attention to his body language in the past, and recognise when he starts to display that body language. That's basic stuff, it's not something that only happens in a blue moon, and you've not mentioned if your husband has a vision impairment, so how does that translate into him not being able to see it?

Breastfeeding isn't just about nutrition. It also supports bonding and a healthy attachment to mother which is very vital for children's mental health. There are also many other benefits to the child in terms of their future physical health. I understand why women cannot and do not breastfeed but formula is not a substitution.

I agree with this when looking at the population as a whole however I wish people could acknowledge this but also accept that it’s not so black and white when looking at individuals and that such typical characteristics can be found in both sexes. Basically I dislike the extreme feminists and traditionalists.

And for those that say men can't hold all these tasks in their minds, how do they function at work then? Excluding those that have a PA.

Formula is nutritionally robust medically approved - it’s safe and used by millions parents
Attachment is fostered by habitation, repetition, regard and consistency to build trust. Certainly BF is part of attachment and bonding as is formula feeding. Attachment is the authentic emotional state and unconditional regard that primary carers and parents give to babies

You were talking about survival. It simply isn’t true that babies can’t survive without their mother thanks to formula.

Even so, babies can bond and have a healthy attachment to their mother without breastfeeding. It happens all of the time considering the UK’s poor breastfeeding rates.

Men and women are different. Women ar

I don't think we should derail this thread but happy for you to start a new one. The breastfeeding benefits are pretty clear.

Some of you are socialised into letting men be suboptimal because you are conditioned to expect it. Raise your expectations

Breastfeeding doesn’t result in increased or better attachment vs formula
Attachment is emotional & psychological. Attachment isn’t triggered. or initiated by mode of nutrition

It would be interesting if the level of competence in men changed if childrearing was attached to pay!
I know in office situations women do more to make the office a nice place to be and that work is not attached to bonuses/targets/promotions etc but now some of the corporate world is attaching a proportion of bonuses to this kind of work or ensuring women get supported in higher level jobs and it works. I know namalt but it's a big enough proportion. I sort the birthdays out for our team. My male colleagues will sort it if I specifically say X's birthday is next week please arrange to collect the money and buy a gift but they still ask questions about what even though they are better friends with the recipient whereas I am expected to know because I take an interest in general parts of their lives (if they are happy to share)
I know men who are incredibly good with their children and think ahead about food, clothings etc and sort it for when they are travelling. Equally I do notice that none of my male colleagues ever say they can't wait to get back to their children like my female colleagues after a work trip away.
Lastly I am extremely clumsy so I wouldn't say I am better than most men but I care enough to practice and improve within my ability on any child related things. Equally I can change a plug, a tyre, a light bulb, a light fitting, a plug socket, a car lightbulb and windscreen washers because my dad taught me. Most of my female friends aren't interested and don't even try. I have heard that women are generally interested in people and men in things but society can definitely help change that, nowadays surely it's more acceptable to be either sex and good or bad at anything.

They are pretty clear. They certainly don’t state that you can only bond with your child as a mother by breastfeeding them or that breastfeeding is the only way to have a child with a healthy attachment.