The amount of mess in my house makes me want to cry, cleaning it up constantly makes me want to cry

[ldnmm]

My kids, 2 and 4 are just constantly making a mess- constantly. It never stops.

I've been cleaning up constantly and whenever I turn around, there's a new mess somewhere. I just can't fucking hack it anymore.

I want to throw away all their toys and be done with it. I just can't take it anymore.

Make them tidy up after themselves you say? Yes I do that but it's just so consistent and there are so many things that I don't always have the energy to get them to tidy things away. There's just so many bits of bullshit toys all over the place that it becomes a huge ordeal to even tidy up properly and not just dump everything all messed up in buckets.

My husband is a bit shit at tidying up after himself as well and I literally cry because I can't take it anymore.

I cry when I am trying to stay on top of everything because I'm so exhausted and so frustrated. So yesterday my husband said, let's just leave it a bit- it doesn't make a difference as they make a mess so quickly anyway. So we left it a bit, but I'm just fuming today. I feel sick and frustrated.

It's just so fucking relentless and I don't know how to manage it better but I clearly can't just ' let it go ' as it drives me absolutely mad and I start being extremely frustrated. Chuck all the toys away ? They're never going to be able to tidy up every little thing after themselves like I need them to. Yes they'll tidy up at the end of the day etc but because they have so many toys and so many activities ( stickers, drawing, puzzles ) they like to take them out, play, then come back to it etc etc. so I can't see it working, without me having to be constantly on top of them and being exhausted by that too.

It's driving me mad though ! So I don't know what to do.

Ds used to play with Lego on a tray or a sheet so it's easy to scoop back into the box.

Same here.

I managed to persuade one relative this year that cash towards days out for us as a family would be much better than mounds of stuff.

The bag of presents from my parents and siblings alone was almost as big as our tree. My sister had bought things like the stuff you find in knock knack shops on seaside holidays, not stuff we ever have out or would give a three year old to play with.

I also have regular debates with family as to whether they should let us know what is coming, which they don't want to because "it's nice for a a surprise". Which it is, I agree, for DD. But if you tell me you're buying X Lego set or book or doll or whatever, I can say "oh no, we have that" or "she doesn't like Y, you'd be better with Z" and we'd not end up with duplicates or things she doesn't like, at the very least. Last year I sent a total of 6 gifts back to the givers because we already had what they'd sent.

Aside from "occasions", my in laws are constantly buying. She visits most weeks and every week DH brings her plus a bag of stuff home. And you can't refuse it, because then you upset MIL and that caused more problems than it's worth. It's easier to sort and donate. My family live 4 hours away and so when they visit / we visit they have a stack of things they've seen in between visits for her. Can't refuse that because they buy as a substitute for time together.

It's not as easy as "just don't have as much in the first place".

It is for most people.

You mean "I managed so the rest of the world should be able to"?

Have you spoken to the entire population of parents? Done a survey of an accurate cross section? Or talking literally about your own experience?

Because we're all talking about our own experience and if you read the thread I'd say most people on here have the same issue with too much clutter and are struggling to keep on top of it too. So what makes you say that most people find it as easy as you?

Most people aren't saying anything about their family compulsively buying hoards of stuff even though they beg them not to and even if they know you are throwing it away. Unless you are exaggerating, it sounds like your family are hoarders.

Hoarding is an actual illness.

Buying too many toys to show love is not hoarding. It makes life more difficult for some of us, but it's not an actual illness. You may want to think before you throw around terms like that so flippantly.

You said that they are constantly buying and that every week DH brings a bag of stuff home. I don't think that is normal.

@wombat15 that's retail therapy or a shopaholic, if you will. Different set of issues.

Okay. Maybe they are shopaholics rather than hoarders. Either way they have issues.

But they do not live surrounded by stuff, unable to get rid. They buy for other people. It's their way of showing love and affection. Which is why they get hurt when we try to turn it down.

Have a read up on hoarding.

So they are shopholics rather than hoarders. Either way, constantly buying things even though you beg them not to especially to the extent that your DH brings a bag of stuff home every week which you throw away is not normal healthy behaviour.

I feel your pain here. I have ADHD and autism so I both desperately need order and really really struggle to maintain it - and the small kids chaos is just overwhelming!!

My advice is to get rid of most toys. There sound like there are lots and most of them probably aren't favourites.

Then keep any 'sets' of toys out of reach. So they can be brought down by an adult, tidied, put back away before something else comes out.

Maybe have 1 or 2 things out that they can just consistently play with if they have free play time.

Something like one of those wooden rainbows for construction play. Or colouring books and pencils.

That way you have a balance of them being able to access some limited toys, and everything else had to be got down by an adult.

They don't really need loads of toys to have fun. I've been on week long holidays in a house where there is just a set of wooden construction toys (hard to describe) but they just play with it endlessly and don't seem to notice they don't have their usual billion toy chaos around.

I never said we threw it away. We donate, we sell, we pass on. We donate lot of sorting out, we replace younger toys with the newer, more stretching ones.

It is an added workload we could do without. But one day we won't have these people. And maybe it's not the healthiest of behaviours from those people, but what do you think we should do? Force them to change their behaviour? Stage an intervention? Or, do we just let them do the thing that makes them happy, given they're in their 70s & 80s?

Honestly I'd massively reduce toys available. Like massively. I had very few toys as a child and I'm very creative and imaginative. Throw out the least played with half and put the rest in cupboard / storage / loft.

So you might end up with:

One set of pencils, two paper pads, two scissors, one sticker book
One bag of Lego/ duplo
One box of open ended wooden blocks and animals / figures
Teddies
One box of play doh and cutters

If you only have eg 5 toys, you only ever have 5 things to put away.

Those huge drawstring sacks for Lego and paper sacks for soft toys are great. You can make a game of putting things away by throwing them into the sack.

I only said throwing things away is wasteful. If you aren't throwing things away and agree that the behaviour of your family isn't normal or healthy why are you do defensive?

We used to keep toys in large boxes on 14 inch deep sets of shelves. They were very much discouraged from just dumping it all on the floor at once.

This looks easy to do - staple a sheet to a cardboard box, tape over the staples and there you go 🤗

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I bought some of these for jigsaws, lego etc, anything with tiny bits in large boxes. 2 year old DGD knows which toy goes in which colour wallet. Can all be chucked in the toy chest at the end of the day and no danger of boxes breaking or tipping up.

the parent sets the limits. They are required to do this at nursery and need these skills at school and preschool. You repeat as a mantra, pretty much all day long: “When you’re finished with a toy it goes away and then you can get out the next thing”. If they don’t, you take away the thing they want next and you let them have it back when they’re done. You have to motivate, help, set example but if you’re consistent they will learn and repeat the rule back to you if you break it yourself!

it’s not cruelty it’s a skill they actually need

I gave up tidying toys. Just put them in a pile in a corner. There's no point

Get rid of things and be ruthless.

separate their toys into separate storage boxes/cubes with a variety of different bits inside and make the rule that only one box is out and open and a time. If they want to switch then everything goes back inside the box and another can be taken out.

That sounds like more work than just tidying things away with them at the end of the day. Putting things back isn't a skill. All non disabled adults can tidy up after themselves if they want to and if they don't you can't make them want to be tidy.

Of course it's a skill. What do you think happens when they are 3 and start school nursery that 40 children are allowed to just dump toys out all day long then staff spend a few hours tidying for tomorrow? Or that the kids suddenly think wow this is fun I want to be tidy?
Not sure what disabled or non disabled has to do with it....disabled people can often tidy up to.

Kids are very different at childcare settings than at home.

As you doubtless know.

Just because they tidy toys away at nursery doesn't mean it is a "skill" and it certainly doesn't demonstrate that toddlers have to be told to tidy things away incessantly all day at home. If anything it demonstrates the opposite. Many of the three years olds will only have tidied at the end of the day at home if at all but will do it a nursery or school when asked.