The amount of mess in my house makes me want to cry, cleaning it up constantly makes me want to cry

[ldnmm]

My kids, 2 and 4 are just constantly making a mess- constantly. It never stops.

I've been cleaning up constantly and whenever I turn around, there's a new mess somewhere. I just can't fucking hack it anymore.

I want to throw away all their toys and be done with it. I just can't take it anymore.

Make them tidy up after themselves you say? Yes I do that but it's just so consistent and there are so many things that I don't always have the energy to get them to tidy things away. There's just so many bits of bullshit toys all over the place that it becomes a huge ordeal to even tidy up properly and not just dump everything all messed up in buckets.

My husband is a bit shit at tidying up after himself as well and I literally cry because I can't take it anymore.

I cry when I am trying to stay on top of everything because I'm so exhausted and so frustrated. So yesterday my husband said, let's just leave it a bit- it doesn't make a difference as they make a mess so quickly anyway. So we left it a bit, but I'm just fuming today. I feel sick and frustrated.

It's just so fucking relentless and I don't know how to manage it better but I clearly can't just ' let it go ' as it drives me absolutely mad and I start being extremely frustrated. Chuck all the toys away ? They're never going to be able to tidy up every little thing after themselves like I need them to. Yes they'll tidy up at the end of the day etc but because they have so many toys and so many activities ( stickers, drawing, puzzles ) they like to take them out, play, then come back to it etc etc. so I can't see it working, without me having to be constantly on top of them and being exhausted by that too.

It's driving me mad though ! So I don't know what to do.

Very lucky to have space. Don't twist things to suit your own narrative.

I also hate waste. I was brought up by parents who came from very poor families and worked very hard to be comfortable now. We didn't and don't waste anything. But DD is the only one on my side, and that will never change, so my parents spoil her a bit. DHs mother has a proper problem with over buying and we regularly tell her off, but she won't change, because she doesn't want to. We make her send a lot back but when she just hands it to DD, who is 3, it becomes much harder to say no. So yes, you are lucky to have families who respect your wishes. Because I'm made to feel ungrateful regularly by mine for asking them not to buy yet more things.

I have significant joint pain which makes cleaning difficult. Get a cleaner saved my joints.

We have a cleaner, once a week but it makes no difference to the day to day clutter.

Serious MH issue ?? are you for real ? Do you even know what a serious mental health issue is ?

Feeling extremely frustrated by mess, does not a serious MH issue. Lots of people need a tidy environment in order to feel well in their surroundings. I would class a serious mental health issue as something which requires psychiatric intervention, in the form of medication and perhaps even being committed to a mental health unit for your own safety.

You are the one twisting the narrative. Just because I rotated a bit doesn't mean we had lots of space. We just didn't buy much. We also don't have much family apart from my parents. Most of the time no rotation required. I suppose I am lucky that my parents listen to what I say but given DH was brought up in care I am not sure he is.

2 and 4 year olds can get involved to some extent just like they do in nursery you make it a fun game.

They can, but it’s a long, slow
process; you often have to do it again once they’ve done it and really when you’re juggling a million hoops the priority is your own sanity.

Or he just doesn't get into a state about a bit of mess. He's hapiy to leave it until the end of the day.

Surely the priority should be making sure they become people who can clear up after themselves and not people like all the Hs people on MN complain about? Those fully grown adults who won't take responsibility for their own mess?

I only tidy up properly once a day, after bedtime. It's impossible to keep up with otherwise, you'll feel like you're drowning. Get child to do some tidying before bed.

Yes, of course I'm for real. Of course I know what a serious mental health issue is. Some quotes from your OP:

I just can't fucking hack it any more.

I want to throw away all their toys and be done with it. I just can't take it anymore.

My husband is a bit shit at tidying up after himself as well and I literally cry because I can't take it anymore.

I cry when I am trying to stay on top of everything because I'm so exhausted and so frustrated.

I'm just fuming today. I feel sick and frustrated.

it drives me absolutely mad and I start being extremely frustrated.

It's driving me mad.

^^ these are all very extreme reactions to the slight chaos of living with small children. Most people roll their eyes, sigh and get on with it. Your crying and fuming is extreme. So, yes - serious mental health issue! You are fuming and crying over normal life. Don't shoot the messenger.

We bought a giant trofast set (Gumtree, cheaper and already built) then organized everything and decluttered or put into rotation. I then tried to implement a one thing at a time rule, so if you are no longer playing with the train set, put it away in the tub before you choose the next thing. This took a long time but similar rule was followed at nursery so that made it easier.

I also made sure I had time outside everyday (house clutter didn't matter as much when I had a mental break from it, and not as much is made when you aren't there), and I also always tried to keep 1 space/room looking decent at all times so even if the rest of the house is chaos, I had one place of calm.

Me and DH also had a rule that one tidied while the other does dinner, and one either cleans or sorts washing etc while the other does bedtime everyday. That meant we had equal downtime and could focus on one task, knowing the other was getting done too.

For me honestly no, that can wait. I very much doubt that would sink in for many under 3s anyway. With very young children, my priority is keeping my mind, body and soul as intact as possible. Anything else can wait.

I'd say once a month do a quick clear out .
Toys that are broken pieces missing throw them out .
Same with clothing pyjamas and footwear if still in good condition send them to charity.
Have set boxes for set toys so it's quicker and easier to tidy away.
Ages 4 and 2 it's going to be hard work it won't always feel this way.

Serious mental health issues aren't just strong emotions in my opinion.

Serious mental health issues includes things like , severe depression for example with or without Suicidal thoughts - hearing voices, not being in touch with reality... those are SERIOUS mental health issues...

Not a fed up person venting and being frustrated. I literally only ever cried about this today. I'm having a bad day with it. I just get overstimulated. The Christmas holidays are intense. New toys, hosting people. It's not SERIOUS mental health issues at this point..

@jannier yeah they can. A couple of times a day perhaps. Usually I just get them to clear it at the end of the day. Tonight we made a race out of who could clear Lego the fastest.

But they can't really do it throughout the day and that's what I struggle with. Different piles of toys and activities all over the place. Stuff everywhere on the floor. They have some toys upstairs too and sometimes they mess those up as well. Or they just get into their cupboards and throw their clothes around, because they want to get dressed or changed. I tell them to wait if I'm in the loo or something and before I know it, I go upstairs and there's clothes and toys everywhere.

Then I go back downstairs and there's toys everywhere there was all and they're trying to push chairs to the sink so they can do water play. I let them do water play but then everything gets soaked.. then I look at the floor all wet, they're all wet, toys everywhere downstairs and clothes everywhere upstairs and it just makes me feel extremely frustrated - stressed out/ on edge. I just feel like it's all a mess. I can't relax at all when the house is in that kind of state. Tidy house, tidy mind or whatever. Don't get me wrong I am not a very tidy person, in the sense that I wish I was more organised. My drawers aren't perfect and are cluttered. But there has to be just a basic level of tidy for me to function.. like not random toys all over the floor at all times.. just a bit of a clear space to think.

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic.

@ldnmm youve made me feel so much better as you’re describing my life and my feelings to a T.

I don’t know about you but I’ve found what was sort of manageable with one child is so much harder with two. I am not sure why really. Double the toys perhaps but also that they probably seem to love about with them more,’possibly to get space from one another and also conspire together to do things like empty cupboards and so on… most frustrating.

Sorry that you also feel like that. But I'm happy that my description made you feel less alone !

I've also spoken to mum friends in real life and they completely relate to that feeling of just feeling completely overwhelmed when every part of the house feels like a mess.

I do think it's just the norm with small kids. But weeks like this week where we've been home a lot, have highlighted it all even more. I usually try to take time out of the house a lot more. They can't mess the house up when we are out.

Yes, definitely.

I honestly relate so much to your post. I don’t think I have ‘mental health issues’ as a PP put it but the sheer state of the place does make me feel a bit panicky sometimes.
I'm constantly cleaning and tidying but it’s undone in seconds. It’s exhausting.

You need to control access around the house and to the toys. No reason why you can't have tidy up at periods in the day. I have 4 in my house 2 age 2 and twins of 3 . They don't go upstairs unattended we have tidy up before eating, before going out, before naps and if there is a lot out it's no more out unless we put some away....yes at first they don't like it but they do it as we make it fun just like we sit for all food and drink....it's hard at first but once the understand there is a reward and it's fun it's fine....reward as in new game, lots of praise, food time etc. I'm not sure why you think it can't be done during the day?

I feel this way with just one child. I get extremely overwhelmed very quickly as someone who does a toy rotation and has a very small space but tbh I need to be even more extreme with the toy rotation I think. It's hard!

If they just point blank refuse to help what do you do? Genuine question, this is the issue I'm having with my 3yo since the newborn was born. 6yo will huff and puff and procrastinate sometimes but is otherwise a good tidier. 3yo will often just point blank refuse and often tantrum about it to boot. And it's impossible to say e.g. "we can't go out if we don't tidy up" because where does that leave 6yo who also wants to go, and will tidy up? And "no more out unless we put some away" - what happens when I'm sat breastfeeding baby and 3yo completely ignores me and just gets loads more toys out anyway? Honestly, like OP I'm at my wits end with the mess and it's mostly my 3yo causing the problem and Im at a loss on how to fix it.

I could have written this OP, you’re not alone. The bones of my house I love but it’s a constant mess. I am going to take lots of the advice on this thread.

Painting as far as I was concerned was an outside only activity so only happened in summer.

I rotated toys. Bought a load of storage boxes. Some were labeled craft / art etc Had storage built so I could slide the boxes in and shut the doors. I was lucky to have the room.

There were some toys like the sit on cars that they used daily. Dressing up box also very popular when friends over.

End of day we tidied before bath and bed. Some days it was just a question of shutting the door on the mess.

I feel the same way about mess, OP. My kids are 5 and 2 and the house is often a bomb site within seconds of it being tidy. Winter makes it worse, holidays make it worse – nursery is closed, messy playgroup is closed, some days the weather has been vile, other days they’ve been too ill to get out much but not ill enough to not make mess.

Some things that have helped:

Decluttering. Not just toys but clothes, adult stuff. Regularly through the year but also ahead of birthdays and Christmas. I get 5yo DD involved and she now understands that play is easier with a big space of tidy floor and it’s easier to find her stuff if there’s less of it – she’ll spontaneously declutter her bedroom now and present me with a pile of things she doesn’t play with! Bedroom still messy but easier to sort with her help.

Cleaner who tidies.

I absolutely won’t start water, mud, paint, playdough or other messy play until everything else is tidy as it’s a whole other level to clear up and things can get damaged.

I don’t have the magical “one toy away before the next is out” kids and I feel it’s easier to have a train track out all the time for them to go back and forth to. The Trofast IKEA drawers aren’t a magical solution either, they just tip them out. What does help is letting go of keeping toys organised - they don’t care! So I just throw everything in the drawers and on the toy kitchen as fast as humanly possible, and I do it with them not after bed, so if I start they have a Pavlovian response to helping. Throw throw throw, done.

They both have big crafting boxes that they decorated themselves and behave Gollum-like about and hide their craft materials in. I tried to keep pen sets together or have neat Pinterest activity shelves with pens in pots etc. they prefer “big box of mixed-up crap” which works for me.

DP is on board so I’m not tidying alone. No one sits down till we both sit down.

Crafts they make, and I try to keep it to pictures because 3D junk modelling is just MESS go in a big pile. Once got eaten by mice which was very satisfying and helpful. Occasionally I go through and put good stuff in a plastic box in the attic for forever, and hang some on some pegs in the hallway which is the designated kids art spot. I use some for thank you cards after Christmas and birthdays and the rest go IN THE BIN.

Finally I keep a big empty box in the playroom, very high up, and when we’re doing “throw throw throw” tidying or the kids are occupied playing, I hide the real crap in it to throw out later: the party bag rubbish, the random packaging they insisted on keeping to craft with them forgot about, the presents and toys that don’t get played with but hurled about. They’ve never remembered or asked for any of this stuff and we’ve kept on top of the clutter this way. Boxes and boxes of stuff, largely only acquired through party bags and gifts as we try not to bring too much into the house.