To have walked out last night?

[cherrypumpkin]

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

No one should ever speak to their partner like that. And over absolutely nothing, too!

He's a vile abuser. They're ten a penny and they're all as boring and pathetic as each other. Do whatever you have to do, just get out.

Women’s aid for advice on how to get out.
Freedom Programme for insights.

He’s abusive, OP. My brother used to do this to me…say horrible things to me in private and then make out to everyone I was unreasonable. It is a common technique to control and isolate you.

Would your landlord friend help you by evicting you both then letting you become the only tenant?

This.
Please tell him to leave.

Good point re the dogs, @Sevenwondersofthewoo - my ex took one of my dogs when I was out one day and he was dog sitting (I naively assumed he'd play fair/discuss things beforehand) - never got him back (the dog, that is!). Kids were devastated.

If all in your name he can’t take but might try just to make you aware.

If he isn’t your daughter’s dad PLEASE start making steps to leave him. It would still be bad if he was her father but the fact that you have willingly brought him into your lives and let him go on like this is not a good look. And also to be honest OP I actually really disagree with you leaving to go to a hotel and abandoning your daughter in this situation. I know she is not young but this will be really upsetting for her and I think you have actually acted rather selfishly taking into account the fact that this man is not related to her.

Also this is not a victim blame. He is a horrible person. That is not in question. Nor have you caused this. But please take immediate steps to get yourself out of this situ.

They are chipped in my name, vets in my name too. One I paid for and I can prove the transaction if that makes any difference...the other is a rescue and I dealt with all of it, the RSPCA guy I am still in contact with and we meet up so he can see the dog, so would vouch for that. I am really concerned that he will try and take them...

Make a plan to leave him safely and quietly don't tell him until you've left

My DH was constantly like this during our marriage until I ended up a mental wreck on 80mg of Prozac a day. It was almost a relief when he had an affair and I then divorced him.

Is there anyone who can take the dogs for a couple of weeks whilst you sort out the house situation with the landlord. Once it's in your name only you can lock him out. You can do this.

Please please please get out now. My ex husband was like this. This is exactly how it started after a few years. In the end, he controlled everything. It was difficult leaving but one day he really hurt me.

There’s lots of organisations out there who help women. Your local council and women’s aid will
be able to help. You shouldn’t have to leave your home. He is the one in the wrong here. What he’s said to you, in the eyes if the law, would be classed as abusive, coercive and controlling. If you can, keep a diary of everything. When he’s abusive, record him. The police are a bit shit without physical evidence. Maybe record him when you have a conversation about what he said to you. There’s an app you can get called Blue Sky, it looks like a weather app and you can log things there.

Get out!

@cherrypumpkin both my dogs were in my name, vets accounts in my name, proof of purchase in my name, chips registered to me, and there still wasn't a damned thing I could do to get him back without him accusing me of harassment and setting the police on me. Police were unable to do anything because in spite of the above, he was considered'shared property', and I'd have had to go through small claims to get him back. There was so much trauma associated with the break up, I was t physically, mentally or emotionally up for the fight (although he did eventually get successfully prosecuted for stalking and harassment but it was an extremely difficult period).

Just letting you know so you're aware.

It was heartbreaking.

I would still never trust a man in this scenario and would make sure my pets were safely out of the way before saying a word about leaving him. Abusive men often turn particularly nasty when their partners try and leave them. Not a chance I'd put my dogs at risk. If I didn't have anyone to take them in, I'd beg a rescue to have them for a couple of weeks whilst I left.

How awful, I'm so sad for you. I can't imagine how it must feel. He would go and stay with family and I'm not convinced they would take the dogs so it might be ok, I would change the locks once he is gone so he can't come and help himself to them...

I’d have them boarded then or at a friend’s when you tell him it’s over.

once he’s out bring back but don’t leave them for a moment.

I had to go to court for a friend over her dog (I was the breeder) she won and the judge was very very amused by it but her ex was an abusive controlling dick head that forced it through court to cost her money. It all back fired for him, she’s now moved and I’ve blocked her ex as he became abusive towards me.

Do you have any friends who would look after your dogs for a while? If we were friends I'd take them in a heartbeat. I do totally understand how much you love them, I'd do anything to keep my dog safe and happy.

If all in your name the police are wrong it’s not shared property as they are classed a chattel to one person not many I’m so so sorry you had to go through all that

If you are renting from one of your friends then I would be checking if they would mind you throwing your abusive partner out and sub-letting a room to a dog loving, working person. At the end of the day as long as they get their rent and their house doesn't end up depreciating massively due to being a 'murder' house, then I can't see why they would mind ?
This is not a person I would want anywhere near me anymore, you went above and beyond to ensure he had a lovely day and he chose to abuse you because that's who he is and what he does !
He isn't going to change his way's because they suit him just fine, he doesn't care if he upset you, he is worried that you went away this time, he is worried you might go away permanently so he will double down at how much this is entirely your fault. It isn't.

Don’t prioritise your dogs over yourself and your DD. Your DD shouldn’t have to witness her mum being abused in the holidays.

@Sevenwondersofthewoo
They refused point blank to get involved. Told me to get in touch with the dog warden.

I’m so so sorry they did that

"I would change the locks once he is gone so he can't come and help himself to them..."

Please talk to your landlady to get permission. Register his abuse with the police-you can do this online. It won't result in any action at this stage, most probably, but it will build up a picture of his behaviour. Get the locks changed once you've got permission.

If there is anything physical, apply for a non mol via www.ncdv.org.uk/third-party-injunction-referral/ (You can do it for emotional abuse but sadly physical is more compelling).

I had to do exactly the same. It's very stressful but you need to do it to get him out and it sounds like he will get ugly.

You are being abuse & you don’t even know it. The fear that he would hurt your dogs is keeping you from doing anything speak to women’s aid. I think you are in an escalating abuse situation & you should get help. Ask for help.