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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have walked out last night?

233 replies

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:11

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

OP posts:
Pipconkermash · 27/12/2024 14:58

He is an utter cunt.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2024 15:19

@cherrypumpkin

Many many years ago I told my abusive exH to leave. He refused and told me to 'get out'. I pointed out that the house we rented belonged to friends of my grandparents (and indeed was next door to them) and asked him who he thought would be staying if I told them I wanted him out. He left.

Figure out if you can afford the current rent you are paying. If so, then speak to your friend. Tell her the way he is treating you, that you can afford the current rent, and ask if she will help you get rid of him.

Original poster
cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 15:21

Itsalwaysfools · 27/12/2024 14:53

There are charities that will temporarily house pets when women are fleeing from domestic abuse. The Dogs Trust is just one example https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom

Thank you for this.

OP posts:
HereForTheFreeLunch · 27/12/2024 15:22

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:33

I need to articulate to him how this situation is not all about me removing myself but about the way he spoke to me which led me to do that. I find it really hard to communicate with him in these situations because he will not listen to me and I get muddled and lose my ability to speak clearly...

PP have already said this - but this is NOT the part that's missing - 'you articulating it well enough'.
The bit missing is the bit where he actually cares how you feel.

MistletoeAndWine123 · 27/12/2024 15:23

What an absolute pig. You hosted his in laws and children, drove them to the races and back, presumably entertained his mother during the day, cooked 2 different evening meals and this is the abuse he hurls at you? You need to leave this man. The fact that he still thinks he's in the right is unbelievable. As youve told his mother, do you think she'll knock some strips off him?

MJconfessions · 27/12/2024 15:25

To be honest I feel very sorry for your daughter in all this. Your husband is clearly a manipulative, nasty man yet you’re over here blaming yourself. wtf?

To an outsider he clearly had the self-awareness to say these things to you alone, hidden from the others. He knew not to say that shit in front of other people. He wasn’t that drunk, he knew exactly what boundaries to not cross. He sounds like he had a day with the lads where he was probably bitching about you the entire time, and felt emasculated for whatever reason that you were home all day and didn’t have things perfect for his family.

You’re not thinking rationally right now. You’re trying to think of all the problems with leaving as opposed to the benefits. You’re trying to tell yourself it’s not bad enough to leave? For me, I don’t know your relationship but from what you have shared, he doesn’t respect you.

Who cares if your new home is small or doesn’t have much space for your daughter - she will just be happy you’re not trapped in a relationship where you feel forced to leave overnight. The extra space wasn’t of any benefit to her when she was stuck in the house with her step family including a man that’s just been vile to her mother.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/12/2024 15:28

Are you being unreasonable!! FFS Op imagine you’re reading this thread started by someone else. What would your response be… YANBU obviously. If you need reassurance that you did absolutely nothing wrong then your marriage has more problems that you think it does.b
Where were your in Laws and his sons and your DD while he was hurling this abuse around. No man would ever speak to my mother like that. I don’t care who they are!. Also there’s no way I’d allow my son to speak to his wife that either or to put the boot on the foot I wouldn’t allow my Daughter to speak to her partner in such an abusive manner. I’d be embarrassed!!!.
Thinks he’s the Mr Big. He’d go down like a sack of spuds if a bloke corned and chinned him
Also what was that about What you’ve done is unforgivable in a marriage!! All that over salad.
He should be a Oscar award winning Actor.

Purplebunnie · 27/12/2024 15:35

You drove him to a venue, went back and fetched him and cooked a meal for him and mostly his family and he tells you it looks fucking shit. I'd have gone into the lounge and told everyone there was no food as the prince amongst men had deemed it looks fucking shit and asked them to leave and take him with them

Newname71 · 27/12/2024 15:39

He’s a cunt! If my DH had behaved like that he’d have been wearing the fucking lasagne.

Dery · 27/12/2024 15:48

Sorry, OP, but it sounds to me like he really dislikes you. Like he actually hates you. DH and I argue very occasionally and we can both get quite shouty and sweary when we do but we would never speak to each other like this because we still know - even when we’re really annoyed with each other - that we love and respect each other. You need to find a way to get away from him.

2catsandhappy · 27/12/2024 15:58

His actions.
He followed you upstairs to harass and abuse you.

I hope your friend evicts him or transfers the tenancy to soley you.

windyweather66 · 27/12/2024 16:02

Sorry OP but he's massively gaslighting you! Being nasty, then trying to back track, but still blame you!!

He won't change; only get worse, so please make plans to leave him.

windyweather66 · 27/12/2024 16:08

I need to articulate to him how this situation is not all about me removing myself but about the way he spoke to me which led me to do that.

I really wouldn't bother as he won't capitulate and suddenly realise how unfair he's being; believe me I've been there!

Just get him out

FenixWinda · 27/12/2024 16:11

If his lot are aware of his shitty behaviour, they'd be wrong not to have words and try to intervene, otherwise they're part of the problem - maybe mentioning refuge or the police might lever some action. Either way, keep safe.

LifeExperience · 27/12/2024 16:16

So your daughter is an adult and the only thing keeping you with your abuser is the dogs? I would look for someone to foster them temporarily while you get settled somewhere new. Call rescues, etc. until you find someone.

Staying with the abusive asshole isn't an option. No one should put up his nastiness.

CJFJ1 · 27/12/2024 16:22

No real advice from me, OP - just wanted to say no one in a relationship / marriage should have to tolerate being treated like this. I hope you gather the strength to do something about it - whatever course of action you think best - and not allow this to become the norm in how he speaks to and treats you.

HollyKnight · 27/12/2024 16:28

Don't waste your time trying to get through to him about his behaviour. He doesn't care. The best thing would be to discuss with your friend you taking over the tenancy in your own name. When is it due to renew?

Lourdes12 · 27/12/2024 16:30

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:21

My post should have read there was salad in the fridge which I said I would put on the plates...not that the salad is really the main issue here but it was the trigger so feel I should represent that bit properly!!

Who cares about the salad. Nobody should speak to their other half like that!

Bestfootforward11 · 27/12/2024 16:34

There’s no excuse for him to speak and act in such a vile way. The fact he did it when you were alone is because he knows it’s wrong. He clearly has to put you down in a really nasty way to make himself feel big. Awful behaviour and it’s not what someone who loves you does. You need to take practical steps to leave.

Ughn0tryte · 27/12/2024 16:36

Something to bare in mind: he only subjected you to the emotional abuse. Whilst he may have 'form for this' he deliberately isolated you by targeting you. And was cheery enough to go back to the rest of the family after abusing you.
He can control his emotional outbursts, this is very evident. He chose not to.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2024 16:38

If you stay with this man you've set a very low bar for yourself and a terrible example of love to your children.

Bramblestarr · 27/12/2024 16:44

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:11

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

Hi, please contact UK domestic violence centre or the likes of Women's Aid, Harbour which ever is your local service. They will be able to support you in seeking legal advice regarding next steps and will be able to help you understand this was not your fault and is definitely domestic abuse. Seeking support from specialist services might really help you understand you were not wrong in this situation but also assist you in your longer term future planning regarding housing / divorce etc

ETA working with these services may also assist you with what you experienced in your childhood and it can all be taken at your pace xx

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2024 16:49

Were you wrong?
After driving him and his father and relatives to a racing meet and then going back to collect them and also after making dinner for the ungrateful shits???

No, you were not wrong.

The only thing I might hazard a guess that could be perceived as being wrong was leaving the food for him to have as his dinner. I would have thrown his in the bin the ungrateful shit that he is.

menopausalfart · 27/12/2024 16:50

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 27/12/2024 16:51

Oh my love. I can’t offer anything practical in the way of help, but I urge you to try and find a way out.

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