To have walked out last night?

[cherrypumpkin]

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

So it's your friend that you rent your place off and not his?

Then he has to leave and find somewhere to live. Not you. Your friend may be able to help you out even a little bit more if he isn't living there any more with you. You'll only know if you ask them. Why not pop them an email and see what they say. Tell them you're thinking of ending your marriage and getting your husband to leave and can they help you out in the short term?
Worst case scenario is that they would say they can't help you out but you would be no worse off than you are right now.

This is not unusual in abusive relationships. He is perfectly capable of understanding your position, but he doesn't want to. So he obfuscates until you don't know what way is up or down. And then you leave the conversation feeling baffled and hurt, wishing you'd hadn't bothered trying.

There's nothing wrong with your communication. It's not going to help if you explain yourself more clearly. You just can't talk to someone who refuses to listen. No one can.

Please try and disentangle your thoughts from what he thinks and what he tells you. You don't need him to acknowledge the truth. You only need for yourself to acknowledge what's happening here. What he thinks about it is irrelevant.

He's abusive and absolutely unhinged. You can't convince someone with words that they were acting wrongly when they just don't care and are abusing you! There's literally nothing you will be able to say to him to make him see your point of view because he already can see it he just doesn't give a shit. He will continue to gaslight you as it serves his needs. Be sure if he apologises it will only be in further attempts to control the situation.. it definitely won't be because he genuinely feels bad for you. He sounds like a total narcissist.
No you were not being unreasonable to leave..
But you are being unreasonable to try and continue the relationship.
I hope you can find some way to leave.
Absolutely no one should be spoken to like that. I've said some choice things to my DH over the years and vice versa and I'm a sweary person.. but what you've described is beyond the pale. It's pure abuse. It's not even an argument about something important that got out of hand.. he's verbally abusing you because he didn't like your lasagne!! That's completely unhinged!! It's abusive and controlling.. he wants you worn right down with no self esteem

This is all you need to know. Apply to the courts for an occupation order and get him to leave while you sort yourself out. Everything else can be sorted once you have taken legal advice and have got your ducks in a row, but getting him out is the priority. This is abuse.

I cannot imagine a friend who wouldn't help you if you explained the hell you're living in.

If they don't, you have to stop making ex6and go. Your daughter will have somewhere to go. I'd prefer to share a single bed with my m than watch her subjected to this abuse. She's also am adult who will soon launch, so you're not staying for her.
The dogs - again, not worthy staying for.

You must face your fears and make a plan to leave. There's no point trying to get am abuser to notice they're abusing you. He knows what he's doing. Even his mom knows he has form FGS. This is no life.

@cherrypumpkin

How big are the dogs ?

So you kept his mother company and chauffeured him about all day so he could drink and do things he enjoyed, sorted hot meals out for them while they were enjoying their day, then had the audacity to verbally abuse you for the effort?

I'd be making plans to leave the abusive prick.

2 labs, quite big...

The fact that you are not utterly outraged and seriously angry with him for his shocking treatment of you tells me that you are far more abused than you realise.

Not all abuse is physical.

Please speak to women’s aid, and do make plans to leave. It may take some time but honestly life can be so much better than this, and there is not reason for it not to be.

Tbh when I first started reading I thought you were going to say you walked out because your H didn’t help tidying up after you’d done all the work all day…I mean I’d have said that in itself was really shite.

@cherrypumpkin
Thank you for that. had they been little i.e. pugs i would have offered to help but I can't fit 2 labs on my bed nor in my car along with my own dogs.

When he comes home maybe you could have your phone recording what is said and put for safe keeping somewhere?

OP you only get one life. Please don't waste any more of it on this hateful, abusive shitstain.
I appreciate you'll need to plan as you have the dogs, but do so, seriously. Things don't have to be like this, and shouldn't be like this.

Do you really want a future with this poor excuse of a man? If you’re renting from your friend kick him out.

You rent your home through your friend at a competitive rate.... this is preferential to you....NOT him.

Would she remove him from the tenancy, rent to you alone IF you can afford the rent.
Look at the extra benefits you'd be entitled to, ie. reduced council tax with only you living there/up your working hours/take in a lodger and do whatever you need to get shot of this abusive w....ker!

Sign up for a full year so you have security, Your self esteem will improve once he's gone.💐

He's abusing you. Don't waste your one precious life on this earth with a man who hates you and treats you with contempt.

He's not remorseful as he probably doesn't even remember half of what he actually said. I know the type well, drinking all day at the races , drinking more in the house and then getting belligerent and nasty. But he was smart enough not to speak like that in front of anyone else the coward. Your leaving meant that he had to explain why you left. Your MIL seems to understand and support you . Can you turn to her for help.? See if your friend would be willing to take him off the lease , check benefits or see if you could have a lodger . Then perhaps plan to get a smaller place you and DD can afford.

I'm going to make a guess here and suggest he has gambled and has a gambling problem. He is aggressive with you because he knows he has spent more than he should have and is looking for a fight to sooth his conscience. You spending the night at the travel lodge has fueled the fire as its more money away. Regardless you have a dear husband problem. There was salad there so this isn't about salad. It's about his complete lack of respect for you. Easier said than done, but this would be a deal breaker for me. Big hugs

Good for you.YADNBU

Sorry op. Trying to get him to 'understand' is pointless. He's not interested in healthy communication. This is emotional abuse.

There is ALWAYS a way through, even if it's not immediately obvious. Talking to women's aid, and the national domestic abuse hotline will help. It doesn't have to be physical. What he's doing is still abuse. I'm betting he likes punching holes in walls, preventing you from leaving rooms by blocking the doorway, or similar?

If you rent from your friend, get his name taken off the tenancy

This, this, this!

When this finally sank in with me was when I finally left. I hope you find the strength to too because you sound lovely and deserve so much better.

He is absolutely vile. I wouldn't let my worst enemy talk to me like that. You deserve so much better.

Please speak to your friend - landlady and get her to evict him / end the tenancy.

If he’s on it it’ll be to end the tenancy for both it’ll take 8 weeks usually,

then she can on D day put the tenancy in her name

Please be aware of violence in the coming weeks and find a friend to stay with to avoid him if you can more so at night.

now for the dogs who’s name are they in for the chip who’s name is on the contract if KC registered and who’s name are they in for the vets all relevant as I think he’ll want them to further control you.

I need to articulate to him how this situation is not all about me removing myself but about the way he spoke to me
You'd be wasting your breath. He does not care. You will never reach him with your meaning, as he isn't interested to hear. He wanted something to berate you with. He could have just as well have blamed you for the position of stars in the sky.
Please plan your escape.