To have walked out last night?

[cherrypumpkin]

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

Only my experience but drunk people show you their true selves. All their inhibitions are lowered so they say what they think.
Id be removing him from my life permanently.

No you don’t. If any explaining needs to be done it’s him who needs to do it. You can remove yourself from any situation you want to, for any or no reason, at any time. You are an autonomous adult, answerable to nobody.
Leave today. Start there and see how it plays out. The dogs will be ok until you find suitable accommodation, and your DD is an adult.

I can’t think of a reason why she wouldn’t want to help you.

Good luck with everything. I know it all seems incredibly hard and upsetting right now but think of the future you have ahead of you. Next Christmas you could be having a wonderful time with your DD, free from him and not being his abused skivvy x

This man is clearly abusive, he is treating you like this because he thinks he can get away with it, he thinks you are trapped and have no choice but to put up with it.
Don't let him crush you, you have to escape.

You are crap on his shoe.
A female at the bottom of the pecking order .
Fair enough hon at the races but he should have then been in helping you with food.
Did he shop prepare or think about any of it .no?
why is it the women’s job
He’s a dick .
You deserve better

I agree it's your best option. You shouldn't have to give up your home or your beloved dogs. You've done nothing wrong. Your DH was abusive and he will keep doing it because as you said "he has form".

Are you afraid of him? Do you think he might become physical when you tell him he has to leave?

C a you get rid of him and take in a pleasant female lodger even if you have to give your room to daughter when she’s home and sleep in living room?

If the house is rented through YOUR friend, it should be easier to get him out, shouldn't it? Can you afford it on your own?

So, yesterday you were the chauffer, the cook, the waitress, the fucking bitch and the entitled prick.

Hmm, I think we all really know who the fucking bitch and entitled prick is in this situation.

Get rid of him, he doesn't deserve you. What a cunt.

What a disgusting nasty prick your husband is. There is nothing wrong with your actions whatsoever - apart from being so bloody gracious and slipping out. I’d have chucked his fucking lasagne in the bin - how dare he treat you like that- and then Gaslight you into thinking that this is your fault- what an utter disgrace of a man.

You need to leave him - he will not change. I agree with PP who suggested serving notice to you both then you taking the tenancy on. Plus getting a lodger in if this would help you out with bills etc.

good luck OP - you deserve so much better than this.

What have I just read? Anyone spoke to me like that and it would be the last time they did. Sod moving out for that pig, get him out! Why should you move out and lose your dogs? No wag. You may be entitled to universal credit to top up your wages (and the rent). I’m so sorry you have been treated like that. I’d make sure all his family and friends (if he has any) know exactly about how he has treated you too. What a vile pig of a man.

Next time it happens, and it will, make sure everyone who is there hears him.

I don't get how he's saying take notice of his actions nor his words. What were his actions?

Would your friend be amenable to asking him to leave and let you stay?

Put him out and speak to your friend about taking him off the lease, OP. Both you and DD deserve a million times better than that.

It sounds like you're spending your time running around after him and his family and he's repaying your kindness with abuse and cruelty.

He's spent years diminishing you and trying to make you feel shit and yet you had the strength to walk out and stay at the hotel - I really think you have the strength to pack him a bag and get the locks changed, too.

There's a whole new year about to start - one without him and his bullshit would look fabulous on you.x.

Then write it down.

Could your friend serve you notice to end the tenancy and then rent solely to you?

You need to speak to this friend and tell them what has happened. There is a fair chance that this person will help you out with this.

You cannot stay with a failed human. He sounds really nasty and this will never improve.

As a PP has said, you could take in a decent lodger to help you with the bills but you need to speak candidly to the owner of the house.

OP it does not matter what you served or what the trigger was - this is in no way normal and his behaviour is absolutely horrible. Is this a regular thing? Was the trigger him drinking at the races? This in no way excuses it but maybe he has an alcohol related problem? It would really cause me to assess the relationship and co sider if I wanted to stay - that's so vile I would want to leave (unless a one off and explained somehow).

And like fuck would I be apologising for leaving. No one is obliged to stick around to hear and see that. It doesn't matter whether or not he agrees. You don't need his permission to remove yourself from being verbally abused and he is not entitled to abuse you.
See it for what it is.

He doesn’t believe words are so hurtful? Bullshit. He had a terminal meltdown down over the perceived lack of a piece of lettuce. The word “salad” hurt him so bad he flew into a drunken, abusive, rage twirl like a coked up bull in a china shop.

He just doesn’t give a shit about your feelings when his words hurt them.

I think the point here OP is that you will not be able to make him 'see the light' and make him care for you in the way you want and deserve. As sad and hard as it is, focus on his behaviour, not on what he tells you down the line to avoid feeling guilty. He will possibly apologise once he realises you're leaving, but that will always be about HIM, not you and how you feel. Remember that.

Oh OP, he sounds awful. To be adamant in the cold light of day he’d done nothing wrong speaks volumes. You need a plan to leave him, life is too short to live it like this.

you ferried him and his family about all day, cooked for them, left for the night to avoid causing a scene and spoiling his family’s evening, yet you are the selfish and entitled one?!?

Set your daughter a good example and get rid of this abusive dickhead. Hopefully your friend will help re the tenancy.

Picture your daughter living with a similar man in the future. Do you want that for her? Do you want her to see you stay and take all this? Talk to your friend and a solicitor about a divorce and the property.

@cherrypumpkin you were a whole, complete person before you became his wife and you can be again.

The way he treats you is not love. Somewhere through the years, his love turned to tolerance and now to indifference. Please show your daughter that it is okay to be on your own rather than being abused because you ARE being abused.

I bet she would be happy to let you rent from her.

What is massively telling is that his mother is mortified. ''He has form?''

I'd bet his father is the same.

Leave the little shit.

What a dreadful man. Tell his mother and see what she thinks of his behaviour.

You need to leave.