To have walked out last night?

[cherrypumpkin]

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. His behaviour is really abusive. He treats you like a slave. Please report this man’s behaviour to the Police. Really, this is Coercive Control and a crime. Please stop trying to reason with him, it’s not safe to do that with abusers. Tell your Dd what happened and ask her what you should do. I bet she will cry with relief that you have finally realised you have to get him out..I would say that if your home is big enough for his sons and parents, you could get a lodger in. Ask your friend/ landlord to end the tenancy and then rent to you. But please please bin this piece of shit, and start putting yourself and your daughter first. No need for you to leave, or lose your dogs.

Lol, is highly likely that part of the reason he is dreadful is that his mother thinks the sun shines out of his behind!

OP, if your daughter described the situation with her husband as yours is, what would you say/do? I'll bet you'd do anything to get her away from it. Why won't you do it for yourself?

A call to women's aid might help you, this is abuse and you don't have to accept it.

Nothing that you can say will change this about him. You can't be emotionally healthy and live with verbal abuse. You absolutely can leave but I understand it's frightening to face a lower standard of living, not being able to keep your dogs with you necessarily and less stability. But you absolutely can leave. You're not responsible for what he's doing but you're choosing to stay in this.

I would never accept being spoken to like that or the reversal where it's supposed to be your fault. Like what, that you stayed in and made the meal? The rides you gave them?
You don't have to have his understanding or agreement to end this. You're allowed to leave or get him out for your own reasons, whether he agrees or not. You don't have to convince him that you're right. In fact, he won't be convinced. He knows words hurt. It's not an accident.

A pity you can't record one his cowardly bile-filled attacks and play it back to the whole family. But right now you need to prioritise getting rid of him. You're not safe with him in the house.

Verbally abusive and gaslighting you. I would be making plans to leave permanently. It’s completely unacceptable behaviour.

How long have you been together, OP? Has he always been like this? He sounds awful and I can't fathom why you're putting up with it. Drunk or not he's nasty and abusive. He was picking a fight and trying to put you in your place but cunning enough not to do it in front of others. There is no love or respect there.

Can you talk to your friend & landlady to end the current tenancy and reinstate it with only you on it? I guess he will go apeshit. Get support, be strong.

Tell him to fuck right off. He's a wanker and you deserve better.

Your friends will have seen through him. Mine did. And my family.

I don't doubt it - l used to have one like that

Ok for the short term foster the dogs out and leave to a house share. Your daughter is an adult and will have to find her own house share for the time being . I know this is harsh but it’s reality

your husband is escalating and it’ll only get worse not better

I wouldn’t have cared who was there. I’d have said “do what? Cunt. Chop your own cunting salad”. Then I’d have fucked off out. I really feel for you OP x

The pull is they do not act like that in the first few years then it’s a slight off maybe a shove accidentally or a swear word at you and it’s deflected as banter and you let it slide till it’s too late as your 2-3 kids down and a mortgage and most don’t have any job (my aunt) or your wages are taken by him because he sorts the money (me) it’s a slow escalation like a boiling frog

Really bizarre behaviour from him. Especially if it was completely out of the blue.
Did something happen at the races? Lose a lot of money?

Honestly, I can't believe he spoke to you like that in all seriousness. I can't even begin to imagine a world where my DH would say something like that to me.

You say he has form?

Leave him. Have a wonderful 2025 without him.

Which is exactly why you shouldn't try and articulate anything to him. Save your breath. You owe him less than nothing. He knows he's out of order. You explaining to him won't miraculously make him see the error of his ways. Try not to think about obstacles in your way that prevent you from leaving but instead look at what is feasible. A live-in job as a Housekeeper with separate accommodation provided, for instance. Leave him to it. He won't change. He's vile.

8 years, married for 3. He isn't my daughter's Dad for those asking...

There are charities that will temporarily house pets when women are fleeing from domestic abuse. The Dogs Trust is just one example https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom

You feel this way because he will be gaslighting you and twisting your words. He is absolutely committed to not understanding or caring about what you say. The conversation will be pointless. I have watched my dad do this to my mum her whole life. She now barely speaks in his presence because she has lost all confidence in her ability to communicate. It's heartbreaking.
Please don't let this be you.

Well it's a relief that he's not your daughter's father. You won't have to ever see him again. There is no point in explaining to him. The scales won't suddenly fall from his eyes and he will suddenly realise he was a ranting obscene bully. I imagine this will only get worse. I think you should do whatever you need to do to get away from him or rather get him out of the house.