To get to the truth months after the incident?

[Carnideria]

My partner of 8 years and me have had a really difficult few months, when I saw on his credit card a payment to Only fans. He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious. He paid £24.99 to access her account then no more.
I was livid. I felt betrayed, devastated and it knocked me sideways.
I researched her on FB and couldn't see any connection to his hometown but a city 100 miles away.
He refuses to discuss the matter and gets angry when I bring it up, saying he'd never do anything like that again.
I'm still really pissed off about it.
I don't believe it was someone from his hometown and think he just took a fancy to this particular woman who couldn't be more different from me, I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.
We have a friend from his hometown coming to stay later today and I want to raise the matter in my partner's presence asking the friend if he knows this woman, as it's a small town and in all likelihood he would.
Because I want to know the truth and if he's lying about this 'curious because she's from my town' story.
I really do not care if it makes him embarrassed or angry.
Should I do this? I know I'm putting my feelings first here and may embarrass his mate, but I want the truth, because if he's capable of sustaining a lie for whatever reason he'll be gone. Am I being unreasonable?

Don't involve a third person in your problems. Not fair on them.

For me, it wouldn’t matter whether she was his childhood best friend or a total stranger. Buying porn is revolting and misogynistic.

Yes I appreciate that, I was thinking of bringing it up in a joking manner, like, hey do you remember Doris? Look what she's doing now... obviously that's not her name!

Don't involve others in your relationship problems. He's allowed to have a wank but if you have opposing views on porn use then you need to discuss that with him.

Paying a sex worker is scumbag behaviour, do you really want to keep dating this boyfriend who thinks women's bodies are commodities for males to purchase and use? 🤢

No don't do that

Don’t bring another person into the argument, it’s not going to end well for anyone and it’s unfair on them. But you’re NU to be unhappy about him paying for porn.

He's cheated, hes lied and now won't discuss the incident. Op I think you know what needs to be done. Don't bother playing detective, the truth is staring you straight in the face

I would struggle to believe his explanation.

Christ, don't embarrass youraelf.

Does it even matter. Either way, he paid £25 to look at some porn. Either you're OK with that or you're not, what difference does it make why he did it?

I don't consider only fans to be the same as porn, he can interact with the woman. Absolutely crossed the line.

Involving the third person might make the situation worse, make him angrier and you might end up regretting it. But I get your motivation to do so, I would be exactly the same.

I mean, do you actually believe that? Obviously not.

He obviously paid for only onlyfans content to wank. You both know that.

You aren't winning anything by proving that you're cleverer than him by embarrassing him. The best you'll do is win an argument... and your boyfriend will still have paid £25 for an onlyfans wank.

Im afraid this is a cade of put up or shut up. Don't lower yourself because this is a classic start to entering the rabbit hole of an abusive relationship. He lies, you catch him, he huffs off and punishes you, you accept his apology because you're desperate for him back, rinse and repeat until you've wasted 5 years of your life, trapped with 2 kids conceived during the "Good" times and he knows you're trapped enough to cheat on you over and over until he leaves you.

Ambusing a guest with this and putting him in the middle of your argument is really not on.

Just leave him! He’s obviously lying and even if he isn’t and he does know her it’s still inappropriate to be going on OnlyFans when you’re in a relationship. Don’t bother involving his friend. Find your self worth and walk away.

Not unreasonable to want answers, unreasonable to ambush the friend who has nothing to do with this.

I’d be more worried about him wanting you to drop the subject altogether though. There’s a chance he’s still doing whatever but just hiding it better.

Your relationship is dead. This isn’t going to save it.

@Carnideria do NOT bring it up with this friend. It's nothing to do with him.

You quite clearly haven't gotten over this incident, and clearly don't trust your partner. The 8 years together is utterly meaningless without trust.

Wait until the friend has left, and THEN address the elephant in the room again. Are you willing to walk away from this relationship over this? So give him an ultimatum - tell him you want the truth or the relationship is over.

YABVU

What if he’s like “ermmm yeah”?
Would that help?

So you’re hoping he’ll say “oh yes I definitely remember Doris” or “no I’ve never heard of her” - and depending on his answer you will break up with your bf?

You don’t trust your bf, his actions have made you feel like shit and now you want to ‘catch him out’.

You have absolutely no intention of ending this relationship yet, so stop with the drama.

If you don’t want to end the relationship then you need to move past this incident and assume that it was probably a lie to cover his tracks but you either need to forgive him and forget about it or end it.

Why would it be OK if she's from his town. If you were from London could you pay all the OF models in that city without getting in trouble?
If it's a boundary you won't accept then dump him. But the excuse he gave was rubbish anyway so it not being true means little.
You obviously think of yourself as attractive, so you should be fine with being single for a bit and finding a partner who doesn't use OF.

Yes, he accessed porn because hr wa curious about her home town 🙄 Don't be silly OP, come on.

He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious.

Does he think you were born yesterday?

Just get rid of the boyfriend. You don’t trust him so where do you think your relationship will end up … in the toilet.

Why would you cause that kind of embarrassment to a guest in your house?!

That would be both incredibly rude, and also ridiculous. You’re either fine with him consuming porn, or you think it’s a horrible, objectifying practice. That will be the case regardless of whether Doris is from Smalltown X in Poland or not.

Yup, this, YABU.