To get to the truth months after the incident?

[Carnideria]

My partner of 8 years and me have had a really difficult few months, when I saw on his credit card a payment to Only fans. He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious. He paid £24.99 to access her account then no more.
I was livid. I felt betrayed, devastated and it knocked me sideways.
I researched her on FB and couldn't see any connection to his hometown but a city 100 miles away.
He refuses to discuss the matter and gets angry when I bring it up, saying he'd never do anything like that again.
I'm still really pissed off about it.
I don't believe it was someone from his hometown and think he just took a fancy to this particular woman who couldn't be more different from me, I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.
We have a friend from his hometown coming to stay later today and I want to raise the matter in my partner's presence asking the friend if he knows this woman, as it's a small town and in all likelihood he would.
Because I want to know the truth and if he's lying about this 'curious because she's from my town' story.
I really do not care if it makes him embarrassed or angry.
Should I do this? I know I'm putting my feelings first here and may embarrass his mate, but I want the truth, because if he's capable of sustaining a lie for whatever reason he'll be gone. Am I being unreasonable?

1. Don't involve someone else. That's unfair on them.

1. He hasn't cheated- he's looked at porn. It's not the same as cheating.

1. He has, however, lied.

In my opinion, it's the lying that would be the issue for me- not the fact he looked at porn. Everyone has differing views on porn but watching it to have a crafty wank isn't cheating, and anyone who thinks it is needs to give their head a good wobble and grow the hell up!

If you're ok with him looking at porn then I'd focus on the lying side. Because the chances are- he's lying about other things.

It would bother me more if my DH looked up someone he already knew?!!
id much rather it was a stranger!
i know that’s not the full issue but I don’t understand why he would lie and say it was someone he knew!

There is also the possibility that the friend will realised very quickly that something is up and will lie to back up his friend/not cause an argument.

It's also equally possible that your bf will warn him, and he will lie.

It's not a fair position to put him in.

I don't understand anyway .... He doesn't need to look up someone's porn'-y stuff out of "curiosity" just because they're from the same area as him.
The excuse doesn't make sense/ring true to me...so it doesn't actually matter if she's from his hometown or not.

Curious about what?.She has the same body parts as every other female. She's not going to be doing anything different. She's not an alien. You don't have to look her up, and pay to see her stuff.

Apart from anything else, after your cringeworthy cunning ‘jokey’ comments your DH will explain all to his friend, out of your earshot, and they will both have a lecherous snigger.

The whole thing is obviously bollocks. How would he discover that a woman from his home town had an OF account? Except by scouring OF.

Totally aside from the main topic, I don't think it's worth getting bothered about her being a different body/looks this from you. People can have lots of different types. It doesn't mean they are more attracted to one than the other or they are only properly attracted to one type Attraction doesn't work like that.

But that's not the problem here anyway imho. Only fans is a step beyond porn. Paying is a step beyond porn.
Men like this wouldn't take the reverse.

He hasn't cheated- he's looked at porn

Cheating is a pretty low bar. As low as you can go really.

And he's not just looked at porn.

My partner looks at porn.

I look at porn.

If either of us was paying to look up a particular person's sexual images/videos; there would be a problem.

Petite English Rose? 😂

If you don’t believe your partner and can’t move on from this, then time to reevaluate your relationship. If you can trust and believe him, move on. Absolutely don’t bring it up with the friend.

Of course she’s not from his hometown!

Porn is disgusting and paying for OF’s is cheating IMO. But you’ll struggle to find a man who doesn’t think it’s perfectly acceptable behaviour. Dh and I argued about him using porn for years, now he’s in his 50’s he doesn’t bother though and his libido has drastically dropped. The flip side being that I actually couldn’t give a shit any more!

What’s the point of knowing ‘the truth’?
Whatever it is, it’s gross.

Free yourself from this person who doesn’t deserve you.

He’s lying through his teeth does t take a genius to work that out, you are married to lying possibly cheating scum - run, fast!!!

I don't think of online prostitution as being possible...it's porn when viewed on a screen. Prostitution is when you pay to have intercourse with someone, imo.

I hope you didn’t. You don’t need to bring in a third party to know the truth. You already know the truth. Trust your gut, your instincts. They exist for good reason.

I normally agree with the majority on these things but I don't agree this time 🤣. You should def bring it up in front of your visitor, but I wouldn't do it until it's close to them leaving. That way they can escape the shit show quickly 🤣🤣 your dh is def lying and I would be raging about it if it was me 🙃

I'd have to do it. I know it's unfortunate bringing someone into this but I'd hope they'd understand. I'd kick myself if I didn't raise it and found out, further down the line, that my suspicions are warranted and I could've prevented the heartache but chose not too because I didn't want to embarrass his friend. It's time to look out for yourself. His friends an adult, he'll get over it

It's not misogynistic at all the woman has all the power there and the man who must be sad to pay to watch that is just that ..
The woman should not sell herself for some botox

It doesn't make any difference where that woman lives, it's the act that you are questioning. He's only going to do it again so dump him

Wtf is a "petite English rose"?! Short and pale? 🤔

Well I mean this is a bit of a reach, the OF girl chose to use that platform for the sole purpose of earning money.

Exactly. The original comment misses the point that it's the woman's body and therefore her commodity to do with as she pleases.

If you search for % of men who have watched porn on the Internet it might make you feel better

With over half saying they're "watchers" and just over 3 quarters saying they have at some point watched porn you're fella would be in the minority if he hadn't

Right or wrong, etc. it's highly likely that most people just don't find out about it

If you do feel really strongly about it or how he's acted enough to end your relationship then you should discuss it in private, and fair play to you everyone has their beliefs and principals

But if you don't want to end your relationship you should let it lie

OF is slowly ruining minds. It's normalised porn to such a degree, these conversations will be normal soon. OF is the worst of the worst. Completely corrupting normal relationships and replacing them with online relationships that'll lead to serious mental health issues. I'd run for the hills from this guy and take my self worth with me.

For me, it's the specific person he's paying to view. I'm not sure I could let that go. I'd lose respect for a partner if he knew I was buying content from an OF creator and was ok with it.

Porn isn't the issue, it's OF. It's more personal and intimate......or so I'm told :))

You are right thou, if the relationship is to stand a chance, she needs to discuss it, resolve it and bury it. No other way.

Or leave.

I completely agree re: OnlyFans. Where I disagree is men will watch porn in some form or another, whether that be soft instagram-style porn or more explicit varieties. If you're not prepared to date men who watch porn, you're basically not prepared to date men.

If you're still this angry about it and do not care if you embarrass him publicly by doing this weird thing, why are you still with him?

Either get over it, or leave. Yes, he's done an arsehole thing but you're just dragging on the misery for both of you by staying and fantasising about ways of punishing him.

In any relationship and any kind of misdeed, you have to either truly forgive and move on or you have to leave. Sticking around to torment yourself and them isn't a reasonable option.

If I were his friend and you did this, the embarrassment I'd feel would be for you, not him. If I didn't realise you were being "clever" and playing a game, I'd believe you truly thought this girl was from his hometown and I'd feel awkward that you were that naive. If I did realise, I'd feel awkward that you had clearly planned a little charade but it was totally transparent what you were up to.