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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get to the truth months after the incident?

125 replies

Carnideria · 27/12/2024 10:42

My partner of 8 years and me have had a really difficult few months, when I saw on his credit card a payment to Only fans. He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious. He paid £24.99 to access her account then no more.
I was livid. I felt betrayed, devastated and it knocked me sideways.
I researched her on FB and couldn't see any connection to his hometown but a city 100 miles away.
He refuses to discuss the matter and gets angry when I bring it up, saying he'd never do anything like that again.
I'm still really pissed off about it.
I don't believe it was someone from his hometown and think he just took a fancy to this particular woman who couldn't be more different from me, I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.
We have a friend from his hometown coming to stay later today and I want to raise the matter in my partner's presence asking the friend if he knows this woman, as it's a small town and in all likelihood he would.
Because I want to know the truth and if he's lying about this 'curious because she's from my town' story.
I really do not care if it makes him embarrassed or angry.
Should I do this? I know I'm putting my feelings first here and may embarrass his mate, but I want the truth, because if he's capable of sustaining a lie for whatever reason he'll be gone. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jennyathemall · 30/12/2024 08:01

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/12/2024 10:53

Christ, don't embarrass youraelf.

Does it even matter. Either way, he paid £25 to look at some porn. Either you're OK with that or you're not, what difference does it make why he did it?

Exactly this.

Jennyathemall · 30/12/2024 08:03

Tricho · 30/12/2024 01:20

24.99 is bloody extortionate can I just say.

It’s likely a multi month package.

AlbertCamusflage · 30/12/2024 08:06

Is it really a question of "wanting to know the truth"?I doesn't seem like there is any significant truth to be discovered here - what difference does it make if she was someone he knew or a stranger to him? The key thing is that he paid to look at porn from her.

I think you need to work out what it is that you really want from bringing this up. I don't blame you at all for wanting to bring it up, but it isn't likely to be helpful unless you reflect carefully on what you want from the conversation.

Jennyathemall · 30/12/2024 08:10

Oh and the “truth” is that he is likely watching porn from one source or another daily in your relationship. That’s what you actually need to be dealing with not this weird long running obsession.

OrchardBlack · 30/12/2024 08:13

TheClawDecides · 27/12/2024 16:54

I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.

Well being so critical of her appearance isn't going to make you feel any better surely?

Agreed. Weird.

I actually think it's worse if he knows her, feels more personal.

But he doesn't anyway and this relationship is doomed.

MooFroo · 30/12/2024 08:24

HotBath · 27/12/2024 10:47

For me, it wouldn’t matter whether she was his childhood best friend or a total stranger. Buying porn is revolting and misogynistic.

It is revolting but there are millions of men paying for it every single day all over the world so they will be people we all know in our daily lives.

All porn watchers are someone’s dad, brother, husband, son, teacher, neighbour etc - we all just want to believe they’re not ours!

StopStartStop · 30/12/2024 08:33

OP, how much of a fool do you want to seem to be?
Your partner pays for porn. That's disgusting, Even though lots of men do it, it's still disgusting. Even if it were free, it would be disgusting. Even if 'all' men do it, and it's 'natural', it's disgusting. It's disloyal, too.
You knew that, you stayed with him.
Now you want to tell someone from his home town. For what purpose? Your partner won't be ashamed. The visitor might be embarrassed - not about the porn but for you, choosing to talk about it.
Either accept this and live with knowing he pays and wanks regularly, or leave him and find another man. Who might well be doing the same thing. But perhaps it's worth trying to find one who isn't.

snotathing · 30/12/2024 08:41

He paid £25 to interact with this woman but you're ok with that if she's from his home town? You know she's not. Are you more annoyed that he's a liar who treats you like a fool?

Hopefully you're not married with children and you can move on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2024 08:48

He should be open to discussing something like this with you given how much he has hurt you. If you catch him out in a lie, it won't negate the fact that he angrily shuts down any discussion about a subject that affects your relationship. Why don't you make an account and ask her if you really need to know. But wherever she is from...he still paid a sex worker so I don't see why it changes much

Applesonthelawn · 30/12/2024 08:56

You still won't get to the bottom of it if you do that. If the guy does know her - so what? Your husband has still accessed porn. If the guy doesn't - so what? That doesn't invalidate your DH's story.

It sounds like you want to poke the bear because you haven't got the whole truth - which is fair and obviously you have simmering anger. But this isn't the way to get to the truth. Act on what you know already or act to get more facts before deciding what to do, but don't burn through goodwill with friends etc. pointlessly.

pensionsums · 30/12/2024 09:04

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

It doesn't matter whether she is from his home town or not. In fact, for me it makes it worse if he knows her.

I've never been on Only Fans, but isn't it where men pay money to speak to women, and ask them to do things for them on camera? If so, that would be a hard no from me. If there's no comms between them, it's less worrying to me. But why pay money when there's free porn everywhere?

How would he feel if you were paying men on Only Fans?

XiCi · 30/12/2024 09:22

Please don't do this, you'll only embarrass yourself. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

Why do you think it will make any difference if she's from his home town or not? For me it would be far worse if he was was looking up porn involving women he actually knew and interacted with in RL.

Welshmonster · 30/12/2024 09:24

Don’t say the person is from home town as if it is someone from their town then you don’t know why she has an OF account. Some people doing it are desperate to make some money as they have families to feed.

sadly people have had to do sex work since time began to make ends meet.

yes she could be doing it just because she enjoys it but not her fault your boyf paid for it when you can get so much porn for free.

I was checking out our internet filters as have a 15 year old and my husband and I found a whole load of free graphic porn. We have increased the filters! I was shocked what you can get for free

cartagenagina · 30/12/2024 09:25

Don’t demean yourself. Just dump him.

KimFan · 30/12/2024 09:37

Would it change your view if she did turn out to be someone from his hometown? I’m not sure why it would make any difference. He still paid to access indecent material of another woman. Whether he’s telling the truth about who she is would make absolutely no difference to how I’d feel about it.

fuuwan · 30/12/2024 09:38

No you shouldn't involve someone else in your relationship problems.
It's months since the incident so either you trust him or you don't, you believe him or you don't.
If you don't believe him and are not able to move on from this then you should end the relationship.
If you don't believe that it was a woman from his hometown he was curious about but believe him when he says he won't do it again then you have to accept what he says and put it behind you and move on with your relationship with him.

You can't just do nothing and let this continue to fester. Either end the relationship or put this incident behind you.

KiraNerys1 · 30/12/2024 09:54

He's not a good man, why are you with him

thescandalwascontained · 30/12/2024 09:54

Just end the relationship; you're clearly not happy and don't trust him, and possibly rightfully so.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 30/12/2024 09:55

I'm surprised so many people are now classing OnlyFans as pornography. It's a bit more interactive than that, I'd consider it e-prostitution.

godmum56 · 30/12/2024 09:56

JoyousPinkPeer · 27/12/2024 10:45

Don't involve a third person in your problems. Not fair on them.

first answer nails it

MangoBathSalts · 30/12/2024 10:02

i voted YABU because the problem is that he’s checked only fans regardless of who the girl is. I mean I don’t buy for a second that it’s a girl from his home town and even if it was that’s the least of your problems. You need to decide if your ok with knowing he’s watching porn of some level.

StrawberryDream24 · 30/12/2024 10:20

He didnt pay £25 to look at her photos etc. out of "curiosity" - whether she's truly from his home town or not.

You don't hear (how?) someone from your hometown is doing porn-y stuff and go on looking and pay to see it out of curiosity.

What's to be curious about? Any adult who's seen porn will have a very good idea if what it will probably be. It'll be the woman in lingerie, swimwear, nude, semi nude, doing whatever sexual stuff ....it's not going to be anything new or different or spectacular...it's not going to be anything a grown man won't have seen a million times before ...you don't need to look it up and pay to see it.

He looked up and paid to see that content because he wanted to see the content of that particular woman.

He's using a bullshit excuse.

I doubt she's even from his hometown, but even if she is - he didn't need to look her up and pay to see her stuff.

And he shuts you down and gets angry because he's been caught out and thinks he can use anger to shut you up.

I have never had an issue with any of my partners using porn (as long as it's not to excess) and I use it too sometimes. Only fans - looking at a particular person and having the potential to interact with them and buying their stuff ..... Paying money to an individual -etc. is way beyond using free, pre recorded porn; non interactive non personal porn for me.

It's gone from porn into "light" prostitute use.

I wouldn't be ok with it either.

I think he's lying.

About why he looked it up and paid to look it up (not curiosity), he's also probably lying about the hometown thing.

And on top of all that he sounds nasty/bullying; when he gets angry and pressures you to shut up.

I also bet, like most of these guys, if you were the one looking up some male fitness model or similar and paying to see their nude/semi nude physique images & videos and possibly wanking videos etc .... He'd be very very angry, calling you all the names of the day, possibly dumping you.
I don't think he'd believe you, or think it was ok if you said it was just "curiosity" and because the guy is from your hometown either.

RedRock41 · 30/12/2024 10:21

Absolutely not. Why embarrass his friend? +His loyalty is to your BF. You’ll just look unhinged.
It was a lousy thing to do but you need to determine can you give him (really) another chance - no one would blame you if you didn’t or is this something you can’t ever really get over? Whatever way it goes, it has nothing to do with his friend.

Jolietta · 30/12/2024 10:24

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 30/12/2024 09:55

I'm surprised so many people are now classing OnlyFans as pornography. It's a bit more interactive than that, I'd consider it e-prostitution.

Having seen leaked images and videos of Kerry Katona and Kieran Haylor, Katie Prices ex, on Only Fans it is more than just twirling in front of a camera!

Spreading of bum cheeks, intimate washing in close up, masturbation ..... you even see what they had for breakfast.

No one should feel comfortable with their loved one viewing this 'filth' as Mary Whitehouse would rightly call it!

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 30/12/2024 10:26

@Jolietta and some men develop parasocial relationships with these women and spend a fortune on them.
The woman that just banged 100 blokes is a professional on OF and as far as I know, some of the guys turned up with their partners' permission! Mind boggled tbh.