To get to the truth months after the incident?

[Carnideria]

My partner of 8 years and me have had a really difficult few months, when I saw on his credit card a payment to Only fans. He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious. He paid £24.99 to access her account then no more.
I was livid. I felt betrayed, devastated and it knocked me sideways.
I researched her on FB and couldn't see any connection to his hometown but a city 100 miles away.
He refuses to discuss the matter and gets angry when I bring it up, saying he'd never do anything like that again.
I'm still really pissed off about it.
I don't believe it was someone from his hometown and think he just took a fancy to this particular woman who couldn't be more different from me, I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.
We have a friend from his hometown coming to stay later today and I want to raise the matter in my partner's presence asking the friend if he knows this woman, as it's a small town and in all likelihood he would.
Because I want to know the truth and if he's lying about this 'curious because she's from my town' story.
I really do not care if it makes him embarrassed or angry.
Should I do this? I know I'm putting my feelings first here and may embarrass his mate, but I want the truth, because if he's capable of sustaining a lie for whatever reason he'll be gone. Am I being unreasonable?

The thing is, it's not a joke is it? It's clearly something that's bothering you A LOT.

It's exceptionally unfair to start a domestic in front of a visitor when they have nowhere else to reasonably go.

FWIW I would ask the friend but in private away from home and him. If you know the friend through him in the first place then be prepared to be dobbed in and maybe not even get the truth.

You also need to think about whether you want to continue this relationship and whether he is honest about this being a one off event. How do you know that he doesn't have another online bank account etc? Or finding other ways to pay online e.g. PayPal etc?

You are grasping at straws to find yourself correct.
You are already correct. He has acted badly.

If you want to do the right thing, leave him.

I think you're massively overestimating your acting ability and underestimating the friend's ability to put 2 and 2 together.

24.99 is bloody extortionate can I just say.

Don’t ask his friend. That would be awful. It’s clear this issue is not going away for you and you are well within your rights to feel that way. You need to decide if you even want to move past this, never mind whether you can. Does it matter whether or not the woman is a friend of his when you feel so badly betrayed?

He's gross and most likely a liar. I fail to see how it would make things any better if she were someone he knew from his hometown. (If anything, that might be worse!) You know what he did, and either you look past it or you don't.

In any event, you can't count on his friend to settle things. He might be the type to easily lie, if he senses what's happening and wants to provide cover for his friend. And if you did get the friend to say that he has no idea who Doris is, your BF could easily pretend that his friend is losing his marbles or simply never met Doris for some convoluted reason. It almost certainly won't bring the definitive answer you're looking for.

I agree with others, don't involve the friend from your DH's hometown.

The issue is whether you are either fine or not fine with your DH's behaviour in paying to watch porn. It's not unusual behaviour, lots of men do it. Even if they pretend they don't.

I also don't think it makes any difference whether it's a girl from his hometown or not. It sounds like an excuse and a lie.

So, I don't think it's really a case of confronting your husband (he will lie again) but more asking yourself if you're ok with him watching porn or not. Because if not, then probably you should divorce, because he's unlikely to change his porn habits.

I know there's a zero tolerance attitude towards porn on Mumsnet, but I don't share it. Men have much more testosterone than we do, and without their laser-focus on sex, the human race probably would have died out. I don't think that one charge for 24.99 on OnlyFans is the end of the world. It just means he's a horndog, like most men. If he had subscriptions to, say, three women and had had them for quite some time, that might be different.

But if you have a zero-tolerance policy on porn, then yes, you need to end it - and make your policy known upfront to any future partners.

You can't involve someone else. One that's travelling a long way and likely a holiday as well as seeing his friend. Yes you may get the truth and you also may not. He will likely come to the rescue of his friend and blag it, having a go when you're not there, why ruin someones holiday. You can't get past it, he won't talk about it to your satisfaction, the relationship is already over. You either accept he's telling the truth and not mention it again or tell him you don't believe him and can't move on in the relationship so he has to go. Curiosity is a huge human thing, likely he was curious and also likely he won't ever do it again. However he should never have done it in the first place while in a relationship, paying for something like this isn't like buying a dvd online etc it's more of a connection able to actually talk to the person etc. You need to end it or ignore it.

Anyway, sorry your husband uses prostitutes, whether online or off. Most would dump him, but that's up to you. You can either accept it or leave. Don't involve his friend, he's already degraded you, don't degrade yourself further.

It's hardly the same as meeting a sex worker in real life though, is it!

I didn't suggest it was. On or offline prostitution is an absolute no for most women. But to each their own.

The mate could be forewarned and could lie to you or he could suss the situation out and lie to you.

All you will achieve is the mate thinking that you're a loon and it's no wonder your boyfriend went sniffing around elsewhere.

Don't lower yourself to making a complete fool of yourself.

You know he lied about the woman but it's irrelevant whether she was his old next door neighbour, school friend or whatever!

The fact is that he sought sexual gratification by paying another woman to flash and or play with her bits for him to get off on.

When caught out his response isn't to be remorseful, it's to shut you down. He now resents you for finding out and he will do it again even if it's just to spite you.

I'd call it a day, he's not worth the aggro.

They do a LOT more on Only Fans. They have to, to make any money, though most of them only make about 180 dollars a month. And nearly all of them earn the majority of that money by treating it like a pyramid scheme and luring other women into it as a referral, then they get a bit of the other women's money.

https://www.moralrevolution.com/blog/the-dark-side-of-only-fans
https://theexodusroad.com/the-role-of-onlyfans-in-human-trafficking/
https://bluresca.com/blog/onlyfans-referral-program-explained/
https://techreport.com/statistics/software-web/onlyfans-statistics/
https://usesignhouse.com/blog/onlyfans-users/

Excellent name. All mine are either Pratchettesque or related to my unhealthy/inappropriate obsession with Sam Fender.
Also, you're right 🙂

It's fine to feel upset over this, but If every woman left their partner because they had a wank over a girl on the internet, there would be zero women in relationships.

YABU, this is absolutely unhinged.

make sure that it wasn’t a yearly subscription

Exactly. Show me a man who says he has not looked at porn on the internet, and I’ll show you a liar.
Most men don’t bother pay for it though.

I work in a very male orientated industry, and honestly I couldn’t tell you one man who hasn’t looked at onlyfans!! As far as I’m concerned it no big deal! But if it’s a deal breaker for you, leave him. I have a much bigger issue with the lying than the watching a bit of porn!!!

Get rid of the boyfriend. You've clearly spent hours ruminating about this. You know what and why he did it. You don't like it, he knows that and lied (badly) but yet nothing has changed.

Bin him, the trust is gone and will not return. His fault, 100%.

Absolutely don’t do this, very unfair on the friend to do that. It’s obvious he is lying, either accept it and move on, or leave. Why does it matter if he knew her or not?

Absolutely not. Do not ambush some poor third party who has done you no harm with mortifying questions about his knowledge of a sex worker your husband has been paying. It would be wildly unfair to him, and massively escalate an already shit situation.

In any event you’ve already done your due diligence. You know she’s not actually from your husband’s hometown, and even if she was would you accept that as sufficient justification for him paying her for content?

You have the information you need to decide how you want to proceed in your marriage. You don’t need to rope in an innocent party and put him in a horrendous position for further confirmation.

I realise you want to know if he's comfortable with a lie to your face AS well as being comfortable with objectification and abuse. Everyone is different but I guess thus is about your priorities and values (this makes sense, it's your relationship after all). Personally I'd trust my feeling that it's bullshit and decide how to act from there.