To get to the truth months after the incident?

[Carnideria]

My partner of 8 years and me have had a really difficult few months, when I saw on his credit card a payment to Only fans. He said a woman from his hometown (he comes from Eastern Europe) had an account and he was curious. He paid £24.99 to access her account then no more.
I was livid. I felt betrayed, devastated and it knocked me sideways.
I researched her on FB and couldn't see any connection to his hometown but a city 100 miles away.
He refuses to discuss the matter and gets angry when I bring it up, saying he'd never do anything like that again.
I'm still really pissed off about it.
I don't believe it was someone from his hometown and think he just took a fancy to this particular woman who couldn't be more different from me, I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.
We have a friend from his hometown coming to stay later today and I want to raise the matter in my partner's presence asking the friend if he knows this woman, as it's a small town and in all likelihood he would.
Because I want to know the truth and if he's lying about this 'curious because she's from my town' story.
I really do not care if it makes him embarrassed or angry.
Should I do this? I know I'm putting my feelings first here and may embarrass his mate, but I want the truth, because if he's capable of sustaining a lie for whatever reason he'll be gone. Am I being unreasonable?

why are you still with him? he's shown you who he is. move on

You’d be extremely unfair on the friend to bring this up in any manner AT ALL. Absolutely awful thing to do. You clearly would be roping them into a marital dispute big enough to explode your relationship. Just don’t.

YANBU to want to know WTF was really going on, but if you are honest with yourself you know the truth; your DH is lying his arse off and is desperate for you to drop it. He is angry that you won’t accept his bullshit cover story.

Do you really need to do this? Because I think you already know the truth. Not that him knowing her would make it any better. Maybe worse in fact? I’m not sure what you hope to gain by knowing if he knew her or not.

Don’t. You shouldn’t involve anyone else in your issues

seems like it’s a deal breaker to me( and it would be for me he would have been kicked to the kerb by now)

either move on, or if you can’t get rid of him

Oh gosh don’t do that to the poor friend, can just imagine them happily making their way to what they think is going to be a nice post Xmas get together and then getting slammed by your plans to bring this up.

I wouldn't bring it up in front of a friend it's never going to end well op. I dunno why it would make any odds anyway if he did know her or not, in fact it might even be worse in his eyes that he's wanking over someone he actually knows rather than a random stranger online!!

I wouldn't tolerate my partner paying for only fans regardless of who it is, you've chosen to forgive it so I think you just need to drop it or tell him you can't move past it now rather than obsessing over whether he knows her or not.

No, you know he’s lying. You don’t need proof, even if he did know of her before what does it matter? Why did he want to see her Onlyfans if not to get off?

Oh god no. Why would you drag the friend into this shitshow?

Imagine how awful that would be for them.

Your partner paid for onlyfans. That's the issue.

You either believe him or not. Fact that you are still questioning his "explanation" suggests the latter and the trust is gone. Does he have history of similar?

You don't need to bring this up in front of his friend. It's not fair to involve him in your relationship problems, you'll just make him embarrassed and uncomfortable.

You know that your partner is lying. It might not be actual physical cheating but it is paying someone for sex work. Whether he knows her or not, it's still unforgivable in my view. You're still feeling angry because you know he's lied and is still lying. You need to decide if you're really prepared to continue in this relationship.

The friend -

I'm a petite English rose, natural blonde, and she's extremely dark haired, huge heavy eyebrows, overfilled lips and naturally curvy, obviously surgically enhanced. It's made me feel shit about myself.

Well being so critical of her appearance isn't going to make you feel any better surely?

How did he know the woman from his hometown had an account? I mean, I wouldn't know if someone had an account on OF, he could only know by going on OF.
Obviously he's lying, OP.
No need to involve the friend, it doesn't matter if they know the OF person or not.
Just think this through, if he really wanted to find out if Jenny from his hometown was on OF, he could ask her, without having to pay £25. He's lying to you. Of course he doesn't want to to discuss it.

What would it actually achieve? I don’t believe that any answer this person gives would make you happy about the situation.

Just don't do it.
What are you hoping to achieve by this?
And if he knows Doris too then what?
Don't do it!

Agree with this. All this will accomplish is dh and friend will bond over you acting crazy. Now I'm not saying you are acting crazy but involving his friend is a recipe for disaster.

I'm not sure why you are still in this relationship.

No.

Don't bring his friend into it and also you don't know if Doris actually IS someone from their home town trying to make ends meet.

Either you are ok with him paying for porn, or you’re not. What difference does it make who it is?

In fact thinking about it, the idea that it’s someone he knows is worse than a stranger.

Please don’t bring his mate into it. It’ll be embarrassing for everyone but most of all for you.

I don't see how it would help. The issue you need to address is: are you prepared to put up with your partner's sleazy conduct and subsequent refusal to even discuss it?

OK, he accessed some mild porn. You caught him, he made a pathetic excuse. Definitely don't drag friend into it. But accept that he's not unusual in doing this.

I cringe whenever I see people on here say they said things as a 'joke' or in a 'jokey' way. The truth is they are being passive aggressive and hoping to pass their digs off as banter when and if it develops into a dispute.

This is a serious matter and jokey banter is inappropriate.

I'm not an expert on Only Fans but £25 a month sounds like a lot to me. The D list celebs I've read about who put content on it only charge about £5 a month. If this lady is charging £25 she must be providing some pretty hard core porn and refreshing it often . That's a dealbreaker for me whether or not he knows her and without the need to bring his friends into the debate.

Bad plan OP.

So many ways for it to backfire.

Either you believe and trust your DH or you don’t. Deal with it directly.

Why do you assume that porn is for men only?

Only Fans is a prostitute site. Either you're ok with him using prostitutes, online or off, or you're not. He sounds absolutely grim, but the scheme you have cooked up is pointless. Just leave him, or put up and shut up.