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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an actual idiot.

123 replies

Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:36

I'm expected to be ripped a new one.

Been on 4 dates with a man, last date was in his place. Cuddled like we was in a relationship (kissing the top of my head) etc. I know we're not in a relationship but trying to give you the picture of how close we became.

Christmas eve he'd messaged in the morning. I was so busy, then around 5ish he'd text again saying "Take it that it's been a busy day x" As i hadn't replied to his first message. I got back to him & apologised as I'd been busy. Felt bad that I'd ignored his first message.

I knew he was going to visit family on Christmas day. He sent me a message Christmas day, I replied 12pm, he totally ignored me, (no probs he's busy I assume) I was too with it being Christmas. 22 hours later still no response & I'd seen he'd been online repeatedly.

Here's where I am a knob. I messaged & said its a bit of a double standard isn't it, you made a jokey dig about me being busy but you fall of the face of the earth & ignore me. It definitely come across worse than I meant it.

Now he thinks I'm some crank & I feel like an actual twat. I just think it's so so rude to ignore someone for 22 hours but then have a pop at that person the day before for them not replying for a few hours. In my eyes it's a boundary that I have. Just say you're busy, don't ignore & then repeatedly be online.

First world problems I know. But it's playing on my mind so much. I text & apologised for kicking up a fuss. He's not replied & I don't think he ever will now. I have to see him again due to mutual friends. So I know I've been unreasonable but needed to vent. I'm ready to be told I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 27/12/2024 10:42

Oh dear....... I wouldn't have taken as a pop at you tbh, more than awkward early days 'aggghhh, has she forgotten to reply? Is she ignoring me? Should I msg again?' kinda thing and left it at that. Though I would absolutely be watching out for behaviours of double standards, him setting a boundary of 'when I say jump you say how how high but obviously same doesn't go for me'.
As a one off I would have just left it alone though

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:45

MILLYmo0se · 27/12/2024 10:42

Oh dear....... I wouldn't have taken as a pop at you tbh, more than awkward early days 'aggghhh, has she forgotten to reply? Is she ignoring me? Should I msg again?' kinda thing and left it at that. Though I would absolutely be watching out for behaviours of double standards, him setting a boundary of 'when I say jump you say how how high but obviously same doesn't go for me'.
As a one off I would have just left it alone though

Definitely. He said it wasn't a jokey dig at me after I'd said double standards. Which in hindsight it probably wasn't. I did apologise, but I still stand by it is a bit rude to openly ignore me for that long yet still be online. I'm just an idiot I admit it.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 27/12/2024 10:46

I don't think he was necessarily having a pop with his message. However leaving you on read for 22 hours when you are in a new relationship isn't great either. So if it's over that's a shame but not necessarily the end of the world of that's normal for him. I think it also helps to establish how into you he is if he leaves it now which is actually helpful to know in the long run.

username299 · 27/12/2024 10:46

Stop digging a hole. You've only met him 4 times and you barely know him. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

I could be completely wrong, but him not texting you back on Christmas day comes across to me as punishing you. If that's what he's doing I'd drop him.

See how it goes and don't text him again.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:48

username299 · 27/12/2024 10:46

Stop digging a hole. You've only met him 4 times and you barely know him. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

I could be completely wrong, but him not texting you back on Christmas day comes across to me as punishing you. If that's what he's doing I'd drop him.

See how it goes and don't text him again.

I feel like him not acknowledging my apology is his way of punishing me. Which is quite silly tbh. I absolutely won't be texting again.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2024 10:50

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:50

nutbrownhare15 · 27/12/2024 10:46

I don't think he was necessarily having a pop with his message. However leaving you on read for 22 hours when you are in a new relationship isn't great either. So if it's over that's a shame but not necessarily the end of the world of that's normal for him. I think it also helps to establish how into you he is if he leaves it now which is actually helpful to know in the long run.

You're right. I'm a terrible overthinker. So I'm just cringing at myself for lowering myself to look like some bunny boiler. When I know I'm not. But as my friend said, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So I'll just keep saying that to myself.

OP posts:
username299 · 27/12/2024 10:50

Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:48

I feel like him not acknowledging my apology is his way of punishing me. Which is quite silly tbh. I absolutely won't be texting again.

Show quote history

If that's the case then drop him. You do not want someone so immature and petty in your life.

BleachedJumper · 27/12/2024 10:51

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve just expressed yourself and set your stall when it comes to expectations and boundaries.

He sounds like a bit of a game player, which id find a red flag at this stage. It might just be that you aren’t compatible in your communication style, and this would never have worked out as a longer term thing.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2024 10:51

Well it sounds like you’ve both had a lucky escape to be honest, you’ve flown off the handle at nothing but his response to ignore you has been immature. Maybe neither of you are emotionally mature enough for a relationship right now and need to spend some time working on yourselves.

Owly11 · 27/12/2024 10:53

Trust your gut. It sounds like he was playing games with you not replying to you for a long time because you hadn't replied to him for a long time. When things go this sour this early it's a sure sign that this is not going anywhere. Better that you found out early on.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 10:53

BleachedJumper · 27/12/2024 10:51

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve just expressed yourself and set your stall when it comes to expectations and boundaries.

He sounds like a bit of a game player, which id find a red flag at this stage. It might just be that you aren’t compatible in your communication style, and this would never have worked out as a longer term thing.

You've basically said what my friend said too me. That it's ok to have a boundary. I think how I worded it is what's wrong. I've made myself look daft & he's probably thinking he's dodged a bullet. But I can't help feel leaving someone on read for that long is just ignorant.

OP posts:
jigglywigglyhungryhippo · 27/12/2024 10:56

What an over reaction. Your message would make me take a step back and would be a red flag as the saying goes. Yes- you've been an idiot, but can be forgiven.
His text wasn't having a go in my opinion- but more a "seeing someone new- don't forget me kinda text". Christmas time is hectic for most people. And he may not actually be online- my WhatsApp and messenger always says I'm online if I haven't actually shut down the app, even if my Lock Screen is on and I'm doing something else.
Too much drama already for only 4 dates. Find someone you are more compatible with. And don't dwell- just laugh and move on.

ShortyShorts · 27/12/2024 11:01

If someone I'd only been on 4 dates with had a massive rant at me at Christmas, I'd leave them on read too I'm afraid.

I'd probably assume they'd been drinking, but either way, I wouldn't want to get involved in a pointless row that early in a 'relationship'.

Gem359 · 27/12/2024 11:02

Who cares who's right and who's wrong - this is all way too much hard work for 4 dates in.

Katemax82 · 27/12/2024 11:02

My best friend literally ignores my WhatsApps for days/ weeks which I found annoying but would ask if she had upset me if I didn't reply to her for 1 day. Last time I sent her a picture of my daughter holding her newborn niece (my husbands granddaughter) she ignored it for about 2 days so I just blocked her after that time because I'm fed up of it

ShortyShorts · 27/12/2024 11:03

And I wouldn't assume 'game player' because he doesn't want to acknowledge the OP's rant at him.

I'd assume he sees it as a red flag.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 11:03

ShortyShorts · 27/12/2024 11:01

If someone I'd only been on 4 dates with had a massive rant at me at Christmas, I'd leave them on read too I'm afraid.

I'd probably assume they'd been drinking, but either way, I wouldn't want to get involved in a pointless row that early in a 'relationship'.

I agree. I 100% should've worded it better. It weren't Christmas day it was boxing day I messaged him. Not that that's any different. But I couldn't have held what I thought in. It is shitty behaviour to ignore someone that long. But I'll learn to keep my mouth shut in future.

OP posts:
HeyPrestoVinegar · 27/12/2024 11:05

Don't call yourself names. It was rude of him, however, you've known him for a matter of minutes, so none of this matters.

Do not 'keep your mouth shut' in future! Men choosing to behave poorly should be called out before dumping them. Have exceptionally high standards.

BeensOnToost · 27/12/2024 11:07

I think the only place you went wrong was to apologise.

He 100% left you on read as tit for tat to punish you and teach you a lesson.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 11:09

BeensOnToost · 27/12/2024 11:07

I think the only place you went wrong was to apologise.

He 100% left you on read as tit for tat to punish you and teach you a lesson.

Now when I think back, i think there's probably some truth in that. Because when I sent him the message saying about double standards, he replied something along the lines off "Why didn't you just message me again" like he did to me. But maybe that means nothing & I'm overthinking again🤐

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 27/12/2024 11:09

Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 11:03

I agree. I 100% should've worded it better. It weren't Christmas day it was boxing day I messaged him. Not that that's any different. But I couldn't have held what I thought in. It is shitty behaviour to ignore someone that long. But I'll learn to keep my mouth shut in future.

Show quote history

You messaged him at midday on Christmas day and then went off on one because he hadn't replied by 10am Boxing Day.

He might still have been in bed!

Or perhaps he wasn't up long and had a few messages to reply to.

therealpatmustard · 27/12/2024 11:09

You probably like him a decent amount to be creating a thread for outside opinions.

I personally think someone with a good level on emotional intelligence would have responded in any way they saw fit by now. Not responding is a bit odd.

It's perhaps a blessing in disguise that something like this has happened 4 dates in, seeing how this unravels will be very telling.

Original poster
Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 11:13

therealpatmustard · 27/12/2024 11:09

You probably like him a decent amount to be creating a thread for outside opinions.

I personally think someone with a good level on emotional intelligence would have responded in any way they saw fit by now. Not responding is a bit odd.

It's perhaps a blessing in disguise that something like this has happened 4 dates in, seeing how this unravels will be very telling.

I do like him a lot & I'm not to proud to say I'm gutted we probably won't date again. But I recognise what I said has caused that. I apologised & that's all I could've done.

OP posts:
GrannyJJ · 27/12/2024 11:14

Meandmymouth · 27/12/2024 11:09

Now when I think back, i think there's probably some truth in that. Because when I sent him the message saying about double standards, he replied something along the lines off "Why didn't you just message me again" like he did to me. But maybe that means nothing & I'm overthinking again🤐

Show quote history

Don’t sweat it.. dating is a time to get to know someone and if he was needily chasing up a response then what you sent is just calling him out for playing games. It’s not like he’d not been on his phone - he was playing games. But best to blow him off now anyway.
He will be back in touch. Folk who play games / are needy always do… so you can block him now and put this down to experience. Just don’t get into more drama