I'm an actual idiot.

[Meandmymouth]

I'm expected to be ripped a new one.

Been on 4 dates with a man, last date was in his place. Cuddled like we was in a relationship (kissing the top of my head) etc. I know we're not in a relationship but trying to give you the picture of how close we became.

Christmas eve he'd messaged in the morning. I was so busy, then around 5ish he'd text again saying "Take it that it's been a busy day x" As i hadn't replied to his first message. I got back to him & apologised as I'd been busy. Felt bad that I'd ignored his first message.

I knew he was going to visit family on Christmas day. He sent me a message Christmas day, I replied 12pm, he totally ignored me, (no probs he's busy I assume) I was too with it being Christmas. 22 hours later still no response & I'd seen he'd been online repeatedly.

Here's where I am a knob. I messaged & said its a bit of a double standard isn't it, you made a jokey dig about me being busy but you fall of the face of the earth & ignore me. It definitely come across worse than I meant it.

Now he thinks I'm some crank & I feel like an actual twat. I just think it's so so rude to ignore someone for 22 hours but then have a pop at that person the day before for them not replying for a few hours. In my eyes it's a boundary that I have. Just say you're busy, don't ignore & then repeatedly be online.

First world problems I know. But it's playing on my mind so much. I text & apologised for kicking up a fuss. He's not replied & I don't think he ever will now. I have to see him again due to mutual friends. So I know I've been unreasonable but needed to vent. I'm ready to be told I'm an idiot.

You had 4 dates and a snog… you liked the idea of him and it’s brought out your inner 14 year old…. Adults don’t play games

Did your Christmas day message need a response? Did you ask a question?
As I assume his said "Merry Christmas, hope you have a good day" and yours said "Merry Christmas and hope you have a good day too" in which case I don't see why he needed to respond and the strict turn taking in messages is daft. But if you asked a question maybe I would see it differently.

Also his message about you having a busy day ended in a x not a ! So I don't see it as a dig at all.

It was a conversation that hadn't ended, no question's but it also wasn't the end of a conversation. Either way I haven't made myself look good have I. We live and learn I suppose.

You didn't message on Christmas Eve as you were busy. He acknowledged that. I don't think his message was arsey - I think he was sending you a light hearted message communicating to you that he wasn't pissed off and got it.

He was probably having a busy Christmas Day and, as you'd already communicated to him that you're not on your phone all the time by not replying immediately, probably thought you were also busy and were each celebrating your own Christmas Day and would catch up when you could.

I don't think he was punishing you or playing games. At the very most, it sounds like a miscommunication or a not really understanding each other's messaging style yet as it's only been 4 dates.

You've already said you overthink and I'm not sure other posters feeding into that by essentially telling you he was being a dick and you've had a lucky escape is going to be particularly helpful.

I'm struggling to see what you did wrong. He did pull you up for not replying, he did then not reply to you. You pulled him up. Not sure what you think you did wrong that he hadn't already done the same

I wouldn't bother again with him - he sounds like a petty game player.

The "jokey" dig at you being busy, then deliberately not responding to get back at you. Really?!? You really want to date someone like this?!?!?

I had a friend who did this. They'd get narky if I didn't reply (I was usually busy with my kids and not a slave to my phone) then would check if I'd been online (creepy). If I replied saying "sorry was busy" then he'd screenshot a FB comment I'd made. He was just way too intense and creepy and needy so I decided it wasn't a friendship that was sustainable! We are no longer friends.

If he irks you after just 4 dates then call it a day.

I think how I worded it was wrong. I absolutely wouldn't blame him if he never replied to me again. But at the time I was a bit annoyed at the ignorance of ignoring someone for so long but constantly being online. The same time though I could be totally wrong & he wasn't intentionally ignoring me. Either way, I've fucked it up & I won't be reaching out again

Mmm, I don't htink his original message was a pop at you. But I absolutely would be suspicious that his leaving you on read for almost a full day was a little reminder to you that if you "ignore" him he will punish you. So you are better off with this relationship not going anywhere.

HOwever, in light of your self flagellation and, I'm guessing, abject apologies to him, the chances are that if he is a bad 'un, he'll be back because he's learnt that yes, he can push your boundaries. So please please, either accept this is over because he thinks you're a bit OTT OR, if he does return, make it be over because it's not a good look on him.

This is what I was going to say. In relationships you’ll have misunderstandings and miscommunications. The way you both handle them shows if you’re compatible. You called him out directly on something you felt was unfair. You clearly like to have things out in the open. If his way of dealing with a disagreement is ghosting or the silent treatment then he’s not for you. No loss.

I wouldn't have apologised, you were right. He was passive aggressive. You laid it straight down the line. Nothing wrong with saying it straight

No idea if he was ignoring you or not but this whole he was repeatedly on line is not necessarily the case. I know people have definitely asked me why I have been on line at say 3am both WhatsApp and messenger when I have actually been sound asleep I just haven't shut the app down. And I very often don't shut them down especially those as I use them a lot. That said there are many times when they are open and I am not looking at them. Xmas day/Boxing day being one of them.

OP I don't think you've done that much wrong, he needs to grow up and stop being tit for tat. Stop blaming yourself, dust yourself off and keep busy! It's weird but I feel like people can sense vibes so do not be waiting around for msgs from him, he will 'know' 😅

It was weird that he called you out for not replying. You're not at his beck and call. I wouldn't be impressed with that. Your message was truthful if a little blunt. And whilst not replying for a few hours is normal as not everyone is tied to their phone leaving it thst long is likely deliberate.

I'd write him off

See I think I try to reply to Christmas texts pretty promptly. More so than on normal days.

I’m a tiny bit miffed at my best mate - texted her Xmas morning to thank her for my present - read - no response. Texted again late evening to say I hope you had a nice day - read - no response. By that point was a bit worried (she’s been having
problems with her DD).

Texted the next morning to check she’s ok. Read. Eventually responded, saying how busy she’d been.

Well we’re all busy on Xmas day. I can understand being too busy to pick your phone up and read messages. However if you’ve got time to pick up your phone and read the message surely you’ve got the LITERALLY 10 seconds it takes to text a response?

"Ignoring" is very loaded, dramatic language. Why are you both noting down the time taken for a response? Or when the other has been online? This sounds very unhealthy.
If you need to talk urgently then phone. Otherwise, surely it can wait and they can respond if/when they like?

Thanks for the replies.

I think I'm in the wrong for how I worded it. But as someone's just said, to not reply for the length of time he did is deliberate.

It doesn't help that when he replied saying I could've messaged him again, I turned around & said "please don't think i wanna be hanging off my phone texting you 24.7" he replied "whatever have a good one👌" that's when I left it to cool down & text to apologise for kicking up a fuss & take care. That's not to drip feed btw, I'm just all over the place at the min.

I need to just stop beating myself up over our last texts. I'm embarrassed & definitely a bit gutted we won't spend time together again. I know it's only been 4 dates but we knew each other before the dates too. I've definitely learnt to keep the trap shut though x

Personally, I'm shit at replying to messages, so it wouldn't bother me. (Going to try and improve on this!)

BUT if it's important to you, then that's totally valid. This means that he's not right for you, but better to know that now.

That said, he probably didn't realise it was a hard and fast boundary but that's probably neither here nor there now.

Reading this thread... I'm more unusual in my message response times than I thought 😳 Feeling quite relieved my friends haven't blocked me!

To me, reading a text and not replying is a bit like being in a room with someone and ignoring them when they speak. It’s different if you haven’t read the text.

Your friend is very wise

I think your update does change things. I wouldn't be responding to that either after 4 dates.

Fair enough. I have acknowledged my mistakes & apologised. What else can I do?

How is 'Take it it's been a busy day.x.' a 'pop'?! It's a perfectly normal thing to say on a typically busy holiday if you can't get hold of someone.

You sound more than a bit neurotic.

Holding people you've only met a handful of times to these kinds of standards will only push them away. He doesn't owe you a message, no matter how many hours it's been. You're not in a relationship.

I definitely agree. Like I said in previous posts. Hindsight. I'm embarrassed & cringing at myself that I even lowered myself to behave like a twat. Believe me, nobody is a bigger critic of myself than me.

I think I would send one last text. And say what you have said here. Pride gets in the way of communication sometimes. And text messages can be read wrong. How about an old fashioned phone call? If he doesn’t answer then at least you know you tried.