New bf, Xmas disappointment

[Journeyjunkie]

Am I being a bit of a spoiled brat?

New BF, been together 7 months so 1st Xmas together. Money is a bit tight for both of us but I have been buying his Xmas presents over the past few months to spread the cost.
I went to his Xmas afternoon after kids went to their Dads. Got there, he’d just got up from a nap so was half asleep (he knew I was coming) house was a mess, dirty plates by the sofa, kitchen a mess.
There’s an Amazon box on the sofa next to a roll of wrapping paper, said he couldn’t find any cellotape. He gives me the box & it’s a frying pan, which to be fair I do need.
He then says we’ll go away in Feb/March for a weekend & starts suggesting places he’d like to go!
He took me away for the weekend for my bday which at the time I thought was lovely & romantic but now I’m wondering if he knows me at all. No cards for either bday or Xmas & for my bday he also said he’d bought me a couple of things which never appeared.
Can’t help but feel a bit undervalued as a person, he’d made little effort on Xmas day, no nice food/drink & he fell asleep on the sofa!
AIBU?

Haha ha! Absolutely THIS!

If you don't dump him, then you think this is what you deserve.

Life can be short and you only get one go at it.

Make your choice.

If this is your first Christmas together, he should be pulling out the stops. Yet you go over to an unwrapped present and a dirty house. Not a good indication of things to come.

I'd have whacked him over the head with his frying pan!! That's a life necessity, not a gift.
Obviously I wouldn't really have hit him with it, but the sentiment would be there!
He us seriously low effort and you clearly deserve better.

Oh come on OP, why are you selling yourself short? He cant be arsed to make any effort, gave you a shit (and slightly insulting) present, and only wants to spend money and effort on stuff he himself would benefit from.

It really boils my blood. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated as easy, cheap, and unappreciated?

He texts me good morning & good night every day, has done since we met.
Generally pays for everything when we go out.
Suggests things for us to do.
He planned my bday trip including things for us to do when we were there.

Apart from paying for most things when you're out, which is generous. All of the other things on the list are pretty standard IMO.

The texting is normal - most couples do this if they live apart.

The paying for stuff is somewhat ambiguous - is it so he can control what happens? Or is it truly borne out of wanting to do nice things?

Was your birthday trip something that benefitted you as well? Or was it something that he chose and organised because he liked it?

I’m trying to get to the nub of whether you need a conversation around expectations as he’s basically decent, or if he’s selfish and thoughtless when he’s not directly benefitting.

Very easy to have nice plans when you’re included in them. Very different when it’s just for a partner.

Can't believe you're even asking. Why are you wasting time on this guy.

My birthday trip was to somewhere I’ve never been, but neither had he. He booked the flights & accommodation & paid for most things while we were there.

It’s only at the suggestion of another weekend away am I questioning his motives as yet again he’s avoided buying a card & gift & he gets to benefit by going. This time though nothing is booked it’s just a suggestion.

Yes op he's also getting the benefit from these trips away and probably going to places he wants to go. Please don’t see this as some sort of romantic gesture when he acted like the most unromantic slob ever on Xmas day.

He’s shown you how he feels about giving your Xmas present to you - he couldn’t be bothered to wrap it/ buy sellotape. He couldn’t be arsed to be fully awake and have the house ready.

@Journeyjunkie

Don't be swayed by 1 previous 'nice' gift/gesture. It's easy for him to keep playing on that as he knows it impressed you at the time - that's why he quickly mentioned it again now - an empty promise of another trip is NOT good enough! If it was tickets, an itinerary, a hotel confirmation, etc, then fair enough....but it's not...it's a panicked comment because he's got you f@ck all.

Well he got her a frying pan but it’s hardly the gift of the century 😂 I can’t imagine why a guy in a new relationship would think “I know let’s get my gf of 7 months a frying pan”! Fair enough op said she needed a frying pan but it’s obviously not much thought went into it on his part.

At the very least I would make sure that my next gift to him matches the energy of the frying pan.
And don't put yourself out for him any more than he does for you.
In other words match his energy at every turn!

I would throw this one back! I wouldn’t be going out with someone that had bought me a frying pan for my Xmas present and also not even bothered to wrap it!!!!

Would you ever treat anybody the way he's just treated you op? Anybody at all?

So hypothetically- you've got a health visitor coming round and she needs to see your paperwork. Would you have the house in a complete tip, be asleep when she arrived and not have your paperwork ready?

I'm going to guess you wouldn't. You wouldn't even treat a stranger how he's just treated you.

So why do think it's acceptable that you're treated like this? Why not place more value on yourself?

With regards to how he's been generous in the past, that's lovely, but absolutely standard for the start of a relationship.

Please raise your bar op, you're worth so much more.

I don't like the sound of him at all. I wouldn't be impressed with the weekend away grand gestures, I'd be more concerned about the filthy house, unwrapped gift and not being dressed to impress when I arrived on Christmas Day. What an anticlimax! And no food?! No treats?! Nothing but a frying pan. It's a very hard nope from me.

A filthy, slovenly tightarse. How do you resist?

If he doesn't meet your expectations then get rid *unless you think he'll improve if you have a conversation about it.

I hate to be the harbinger of doom BUT it will only go downhill from here. If he can’t pull out all the stops to impress you for your first birthday and first Christmas, he’s never going to.

The state of his house and lack of hospitality also show you what kind of partner he’ll be if you lived together - a lazy one!

These are serious red flags OP. Get out while it is still easy to do so. Picture yourself with him five years down the line. It is only going to get worse. You are bound to look back and wonder why you didn't heed the warning signs.

Bitmlike my Dad thinks throwing money at us or paying for things means we will turn a blind eye to the fact he isn't a ice person and who calls us stupid and other manner of words. We aren't blind to it.

I'm sorry but do you want to come gome to a messy house and be the one who ends up cleaning it up? That will be your day to day reality. Are.some paid for trips and paying everytime you go out going to be enough for you to put up with.

You are being bought.

I’ve been single for six years by choice and this is one of the reasons why. I’m just not willing to accept this sort of crap (anymore!) Value yourself more OP and get rid of this absolute waste of space.

Walk away, most men try their hardest in early stages of a relationship so if this is his best, walk away..

Great typo 😂