New bf, Xmas disappointment

[Journeyjunkie]

Am I being a bit of a spoiled brat?

New BF, been together 7 months so 1st Xmas together. Money is a bit tight for both of us but I have been buying his Xmas presents over the past few months to spread the cost.
I went to his Xmas afternoon after kids went to their Dads. Got there, he’d just got up from a nap so was half asleep (he knew I was coming) house was a mess, dirty plates by the sofa, kitchen a mess.
There’s an Amazon box on the sofa next to a roll of wrapping paper, said he couldn’t find any cellotape. He gives me the box & it’s a frying pan, which to be fair I do need.
He then says we’ll go away in Feb/March for a weekend & starts suggesting places he’d like to go!
He took me away for the weekend for my bday which at the time I thought was lovely & romantic but now I’m wondering if he knows me at all. No cards for either bday or Xmas & for my bday he also said he’d bought me a couple of things which never appeared.
Can’t help but feel a bit undervalued as a person, he’d made little effort on Xmas day, no nice food/drink & he fell asleep on the sofa!
AIBU?

What's his star sign?

😂

He’s shown you what his standards and effort are. It’s up to you to make your own mind up on whether you can accept this as Christmas for the foreseeable future.

Well it wasn’t how you wanted to spend Christmas so don’t do it again.

Sounds miserable. I hope you didn't turn down a better offer for this?

Yeah it was the lack of effort rather than lack of presents.
A weekend away would be lovely, but obviously he gets to enjoy that too, so presents off me & a weekend away! And he was naming places he wanted to go.
I’d put a lot of thought into getting things I thought he’d like & it’s the lack of that on my part that hurts 😥

YABU to have spent so much money on him and bought him so many gifts when money is tight, it’s only been 7 months and his gifts/effort for your birthday were so low.

YANBU to be unimpressed with his low effort for your visit on Xmas day, and what sounds like more lies about ‘jam tomorrow’.

I’d take the frying pan & not continue the relationship, but from your second post it sounds like you wish to continue - unwise!

He's given himself the gift of a trip away amd convinced you to be happy about it!

He seems like the sort of bloke that sees himself as a good guy and winders why women are so picky.

It's 7 months. He didn't put in the time to plan a trip, so he hasn't done the labour, he also hasn't spent any time thinking about how to impress you. It's really sad because he can't think you actually desperately wanted a frying pan. A frying pan that he will no doubt benefit from as you cook for him.

A frying pan? WTF?

Look - if he doesn’t make his house look reasonable and wrap your present and provide something nice to eat on CHRISTMAS DAY you need to move on. Now.

I think the frying pan isn't a huge issue - OP needs one, I'd frankly be more than happy to get pans as I love cooking! One present is fine - that's all DP and I did for first Christmas after a similar amount of time and especially if money is tight.

But tidying, cleaning and making an effort costs nothing. That's what I would struggle with.

In general life he can be quite thoughtful & generous.

How? In what way?

This.

And he's so comfortable he thinks you'll be together going for weekends away in March!!! Talk about taking you for granted. He's not even pretending to be interested in keeping you keen.

Get rid, you can do far better.

Gross and slobby

DH bought me a Dyson Hoover for our first Xmas, it caught me slightly off guard initially as I was taken a back with a practical housework gift. The card however said something along the lines of "less of a struggle for your back" which I thought was v thoughtful- he'd obviously noted me lugging Henry (the hoover) around.

Following on from that, I've received a Ninja, Dyson Air Wrap, etc etc- so he's a practical, non romantic, gift giver. I wouldn't be offended at a Frying pan- I'd think it's half arsed, but not worth breaking up over.

I would however be ending it because he made zero effort on Christmas day, no card, no wrapping, messy house, half asleep and then made pasta for himself! Ew, just ew, I'd struggle to have sex again with such a beta. Blergh. Do better.

@Journeyjunkie if this is all he can be bothered with just 7 months in I'd run a mile!!

I know this will seem basic and unsympathetic but you are not compatible. These months at the beginning of a relationship are when you find out if you fit, have the same values or if not will respect the differences and maybe even try to close the gaps if you can without loss to yourself because you love each other.

He seems very different to you at a fundamental level. You mentioned you both want to go away for break or holiday at some point. Well practically everyone wants to do that. It’s how you get along the rest of the time that matters.

and to be honest, if you have very different values and life styles, trips away will hold a magnifying glass to that

I don’t think it’s so much that he doesn’t know you/ what you like it’s more the fact that he either hasn’t taken the time to get to know you and find out what you like or he just doesn’t care. I actually think it’s a combination of both.

When you look at the bigger picture, he couldn’t be arsed to be ready/ have the house ready in time for when you came round (especially seeing as it was Xmas day). Instead you got a half arsed boyfriend that was still half asleep and couldn’t be arsed to buy some sellotape or at least give your present to you in a nice way rather than you finding it in an Amazon box next to some wrapping paper.

He seems incredibly lazy and like he doesn’t really give a shit about you/ the relationship. You might think he seems thoughtful and generous but it’s still in the early days of your relationship so he will still be on his best behaviour in certain situations. I would say though that as time goes along, all these trips away will get less and less. If he treats you in a lazy arsed shitty way at Xmas then you will probably see more and more lazy behaviour as time goes on, especially as he gets more comfortable in the relationship. He knows he’s got away with acting like a slob this Xmas so I doubt next Xmas will be any different.

Some people are less into these things than others. I don't give a fuck about Christmas and birthdays and think people are way too needy about them. For me Christmas is about presents for kids and food and drink for adults. I put a lot of effort into people in other ways though. Just because he doesn't have the same Christmas standards as you it doesn't mean he is a waster and doesn't care.

If I were to find myself in that position with a man on our first Christmas, I would take it as a clear sign he wants me to end it, as he can't be arsed.

Totally agree with this. OP- you seem very caught up in the idea of weekends away/holidays but thats not every day life is it? him being lazy and uncaring the rest of the time isnt going to suddenly be ok because you have been on a few weekend breaks together.

He couldn't even be bothered to wrap your present or clean up a bit before you arrived and it's your first Christmas together! If his level of effort and care is so appallingly low now, what will it be like in 5 or 10 years time? This is a huge red flag- dont ignore it or in 10 years time you will be looking back on this moment and thinking WTF did I stay?

This! ⬆️ I'd be furious!! Get rid of him now unless you're happy to sign up for a future of this shitty effort & feeling disappointed ALL the time!

In the bin with him. They gift you how they see you. Jesus sounds like a waster

Cards and presents wouldn’t bother me as much as the house being grungy. He’s either a lazy slob or doesn’t think you’re worth the effort (presuming he’s not unwell, which sounds like not the case).

My mum said yesterday that coming to my house was like being wrapped in a big cuddle. Made all my efforts worthwhile.

He didnt clean up, didnt wrap your present, fell asleep, and "made HIMSELF" some pasta for Christmas Day?

Bloody hell OP- listen to yourself. He's a lazy dickhead. I am not suggesting he put bunting down the entire street but this is a whole new level of cant be arsed that is mind blowing.

Bin him. It will only get worse.

My ex was like this, he would even buy me flowers and little "treats" with my own money (with change out of what I'd send him to the shop with), I never made it to Christmas. However i unfortunately ended up with a lifetime DNA attachment to him. I wouldn't change having DD but it pains me that this is the type of father she is stuck with. DD has never met him or his family nor has she even recieved a card, acknowledgement or anything.

Please don't be me! It really doesn't get any better and they certainly don't change. I've learned if this is how they treat you early on, in a time when they are supposed to woo you, then it really isn't worth your time or money.

He’s not interested in making any effort to make you feel special, he can’t be arsed to think of presents that you would love, going out to the shop for sellotape, tidying the house so it’s nice when you come over is too much work for Him. He is only interested when He gets treated and you make the effort, it’s a one way street and you need to ditch him. It’s a new relationship and he’s showing you early on who he is!
In the future he will be the type that will be sitting up the table in his pants, shouting at his wife because she is too lazy to make his cup of tea, it’s 10.30 a.m, he’s just got up after being out all night with his mates drinking. His poor wife who has been up all night with a toddler with D&V and a newborn who needs breastfeeding every hour, can hardly see the kettle through her sleep deprived eyes quickly makes him a cuppa hoping he doesn’t demand a full English as he will expect her to leave the baby screaming in hunger in her cot whilst she cooks for him and god forbid his egg yoke are overcooked!