New bf, Xmas disappointment

[Journeyjunkie]

Am I being a bit of a spoiled brat?

New BF, been together 7 months so 1st Xmas together. Money is a bit tight for both of us but I have been buying his Xmas presents over the past few months to spread the cost.
I went to his Xmas afternoon after kids went to their Dads. Got there, he’d just got up from a nap so was half asleep (he knew I was coming) house was a mess, dirty plates by the sofa, kitchen a mess.
There’s an Amazon box on the sofa next to a roll of wrapping paper, said he couldn’t find any cellotape. He gives me the box & it’s a frying pan, which to be fair I do need.
He then says we’ll go away in Feb/March for a weekend & starts suggesting places he’d like to go!
He took me away for the weekend for my bday which at the time I thought was lovely & romantic but now I’m wondering if he knows me at all. No cards for either bday or Xmas & for my bday he also said he’d bought me a couple of things which never appeared.
Can’t help but feel a bit undervalued as a person, he’d made little effort on Xmas day, no nice food/drink & he fell asleep on the sofa!
AIBU?

1st Christmas should make an effort. Firstly, dishes all around and asleep in the middle of them is a red flag for an adult living alone its either he is a slob or he is depressed. Either way, red flag in a new relationship. Frying pan is a terrible gift, he is either an idiot or only buys practicle presents. Has he had a woman in his life before, how did his last relationships end? I did actually buy my husband a slow cooker one of our first xmass but it was one of many presents and he absolutely loves stew. A frying pan is rubbish unless say, you love omlettes so much that you would be super excited to have a new pan to cook them in.

he’s given me the ick just reading about the mess 🤢 I refuse to discuss the frying pan

What a minger, not even making the effort to tidy up before you came over, still half asleep and zero effort to wrap your gift. As for the gift of a frying pan how original 🙄. Chuck him back, he’s showing you who he really is and you have have to ask yourself if this is a few months into the relationship can you imagine what he’d be like in years to come?

Edited to add the dirty house would be the end, I don’t do dirty messy houses or men that think that’s appropriate. I’d have left him to wallow in his filth.

Did he expect you to tidy up? Because this is a woman's job
What a disappointment. Throw him back and find someone who shows that he cares about you (or no one and just do your isn thing)

Well, this is as good as it gets so if you want to stick around for the decline that’s up to you.

I hope you didn’t pretend to be pleased with that gift.

@Journeyjunkie agree with @arethereanyleftatall - if he can’t be arsed to tidy up then that’s how living with him would be. Never mind the shit present. It wouldn’t be shit if he had got other more thoughtful things, since you obviously discussed needing one, but on its own with the slob behaviour it’s saying ‘your job is cooking and cleaning up after me’ ☹️🙄

for my bday he also said he’d bought me a couple of things which never appeared
He sounds like a liar to me. The discussion about where to go in Feb/March all sounds made up off the top of his head. I think I’d be looking for someone better OP.

Fuck that shit.

What a lazy loser. Making an effort costs nothing.

Dump him. It ain't gonna get better.

Quite right. The lust is endless.. it's what got them into this problem

Oo-er missus!

For him maybe - It’s obviously a turn-off for the OP!

I’d have dumped him there and then. A fucking frying pan? Just no. Please raise your bar op, the fact that you’re not even sure that this is shoddy treatment is worrying. It is. And you deserve better.

Urgh, OP do you want this to be your life forever more?

My first Christmas with my boyfriend we had been together about 10 months. He bought me the most gorgeous pair of Swarovski crystal earrings that I still treasure years later. My gifts are always perfect because he loves and cares about me, listens to me and makes the effort.

If I got a frying pan I would have clouted him over the head with it!

What did you buy him out of curiosity?

I would dump and run if you don't want a miserable life.

I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t be arsed to make the effort to be up and ready and plates cleared away from the sofa in time for me coming round if they knew I was going to be coming, especially on Xmas day. I also I couldn’t be arsed with someone who gave me a frying pan for Xmas (unless you’d specifically asked him to get you a frying pan?). Also knowing you was coming round but left your present lying around with the wrapping paper is a bit shit. There are better ways to give your present to you. I take it he couldn’t be arsed to nip to the shop to buy a roll of sellotape or a gift bag? As pp’s have said, what an absolute slob!

Oh that's nice to have a new frying pan, you can wazz it at his head when he's asleep

You're absolutely right to point out that women should feel able to express their needs in a relationship (and in general) in a straightforward way.

But this isn't something that can be solved by a conversation. This isn't about a boyfriend who has made an effort but wildly missed the mark. This is a man who simply hasn't bothered to think about making an effort for his girlfriend AT ALL.

Throw this one back, OP, it will only get worse.

I don't advocate violence but you could say that you would like to try out your new frying pan...

I was with someone like this last Christmas. Totally self absorbed, constantly watching me for effort without putting any in himself. Broke things off in January.

Remember this is the peak. The honeymoon period. The best it will get. Throw him back.

Time for you to develop some self-care and self-esteem, OP, because you're not going to get it from him.

Hold your head high and move on from that waste of space.

It is so sad to read threads like this, when a woman is asking if being upset by going to her BF house, to find it messy and disgusting, no food prepared, him just woken up, an unwrapped frying pan for a gift and other gift promises that didnt materialise is being a "spoilt brat".

The bar is so low already. Walk over that bar and carry on walking.

Good god no! Just leave him to his squalor

What?! No Christmas food or drink? That’s the best bit! How can you spend Christmas Day together and he doesn’t do anything (apart from the unwrapped frying pan.) Does he not celebrate Christmas or something?

I think that’s really lazy. Just a total lack of effort. He should have been looking forward to sharing the day with you and making it enjoyable. What did you eat and drink when you were there? I would have gone home tbh especially when he fell asleep.

I bought him some clothes, mugs that he’d mentioned before, nice smellies cos he loves a bath & some headphones cos he likes to listen to podcasts in bed.

In general life he can be quite thoughtful & generous.

I’m happy with the idea of going away. We talk a lot about places we want to go etc, but I’m wondering if he actually knows about about what I like & that bothers me. That & the lack of feeling valued enough that his place would be nice when I went round.

He’s not really fussed about Xmas, he’d spent the rest of the day on his own.

I didn’t eat anything, wasn’t all that hungry, he made himself some pasta.