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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop looking after my SIL"s kids at family gatherings?

168 replies

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 07:25

SIL and BIL have 2 boys, 4yo and 6yo. When they are with family they seem to think that it is some sort of break for them and that naturally their kids will be looked after by.... someone. They don't seem to care who. It's been like this since they were born.

This often falls to my MIL Often DH, me and my young adult kids will do it in order to give MIL a break or let her get on with cooking a meal for 15 people.

I hate it. Not because I mind looking after the kids but because I feel like I'm enabling something that is wrong. The parents always make sure they are sitting at the other end of the table to their kids and then ignore them. My 18 yo DD had to pull a large piece of parma ham out of the 4yp"s mouth at one point as he was starting to choke on it.
I had to intercept both kids being handed a large bowl of soup that had literally just been taken off the boil.
And we spend the entire meal cutting up their food (otherwise they stuff huge bits in their mouths), reminding them to chew, stopping them from eating ridiculous amounts, etc, etc.

We also played a lot with them and took them out for walks, took the little one to the toilet, etc.

The older child is also quite violent towards his little brother. At one point I had to intervene as he had his brother in a headlock and was choking him. It was really bad. The little one was choking and coughing and obviously frightened. I pointed out to their mum what had happened and she ineffectively made noises about Santa taking presents back. Older child laughed in her face and retorted that Santa doesn't exist. Nothing was done to explain to the child how dangerous / unacceptable it is to choke someone.

We will be having another big family meal this week and I've had enough of participating in allowing SIL and BIL to neglect their turbulent and obviously troubled kids.

I don't want to do it anymore. Or certainly not without saying something. Obviously I wouldn't leave a child to choke to make a point. But I think at the very least we should say something. MIL will try to stop me though (she massively enables all this).

I know I will create tension and my PILs will have a go at me but at the next family meal I want to decline for my and my kids to be placed at the table near my nephews and point out that we looked after them all over Christmas so perhaps their parents should parent them.

I know it probably won't make any difference and DH doesn't want me to do it for that reason. AIBU for doing it anyway?

OP posts:

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 07:28

Just don’t do it. You can’t stop MIL doing it, but you can certainly stop your DC from having to do it.

Overthebow · 27/12/2024 07:29

Why are you doing it? I’d just not. Don’t say anything, just get on with what you want to do and don’t watch their DCs.

Octavia64 · 27/12/2024 07:29

No point saying anything. In my experience the parents don't want to know.

What you can do is try to make sure you aren't seated near them.
Don't bother to intervene on any behaviour that is just manners - so don't bother cutting up food etc just let them put it in.

Try to be as far away from them as possible.

Allswellthatendswelll · 27/12/2024 07:30

Do it! They are CF. At the next meal you say loudly "oh no I think you should sit next to Mummy and Daddy. You almost choked last time,"

Olika · 27/12/2024 07:30

Do it. Enough of you having to parent their kids.

Hadalifeonce · 27/12/2024 07:32

Make sure they are both sitting near their parents. You can usher the children to seats near them.

Thesystemisbroken · 27/12/2024 07:33

If no1 is watching the kids... sneakily sit them at the end of the table with toys etc... then sits yourselves at the other end. Their parents will be forced in the middle.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 07:34

Tricky. But I think I would just keep saying "BIL, you are needed here, Cain and Abel are fighting again" or "SIL, do you want to come and cut Cain's food up for him"

Just keep prompting them to get involved and parent their own children and stop doing it yourselves.

I have a certain sympathy for SIL and BIL. DS was a very active child so there were a couple of occasions where I thought "Sod it, let someone help me out" but it wasn't every time and I definitely got involved if I could see it was getting beyond reasonable.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2024 07:37

The parents haven't asked you for anything at all, they are not expecting you to do anything. It was your choice to intervene, sit next to them, 'parent' them etc. From your description, the kids weren't being loud or disruptive in any way, just not behaving or eating the way you think they should.

And they are not babies, if they need something like going to toilets, they know where to find their parents.

AnarchismUK · 27/12/2024 07:37

They probably do it everywhere. You're not saving them and saying something will make no difference. Do you think the DC's behaviour is saved for family events?
We all see parents like this when we go out. Make sure you and especially your DC are not seated near them.

BonneMaman77 · 27/12/2024 07:38

The parents’ behaviour is not very nice. They could ask for a few hours of your family’s help with their kids but throughout the meal is unacceptable. However, you don’t say if your young adult kids have said they’ve minded or not.

On the other hand, a few days over Christmas in a year looking after some kids during meals could be good experiences for young adults?

If none of you want to do it, then your DH need to step up, he can ask the little ones to sit between himself and his sister or BIL.

Purpleturtle46 · 27/12/2024 07:40

My brother and SIL do this too with my Mum and she often misses out on her own meal to look after my nieces. I used to say something like 'Mum, make sure you are getting your dinner too' in a loud voice. There was no point in the end though as my Mum would just enable it anyway. The parents definitely see any family gathering as an opportunity just to hand them over. Very frustrating to watch but even worse for you if you end up doing it. I wouldn't look after them personally and if your MIL wants to to do it then that's up her.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 27/12/2024 07:40

I'd go for middle ground like @Createausername1970

But would sit strategically to bookend your kids with your DH so they are blocked off /protected then turn your back and engage in conversation with your teens.
If the nephews are choking / need their food cutting / are setting fire to something alert their parent(s) and go back to eating /talking.

You arent causing a huge scene but you are not picking up the slack either.

Fraaances · 27/12/2024 07:44

Keep your kid away from them. Don’t do that to them!

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 27/12/2024 07:48

Isn’t that one of the joys of visiting your parents - you get a bit of a break from parenting…

The issue here is your MIL not speaking up about how she feels. My mum has always made it clear she expects me to relax when she’s there whilst she deals with the grandchildren, but if she wants to do something else or she’s tired she will tell me.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 07:52

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 07:34

Tricky. But I think I would just keep saying "BIL, you are needed here, Cain and Abel are fighting again" or "SIL, do you want to come and cut Cain's food up for him"

Just keep prompting them to get involved and parent their own children and stop doing it yourselves.

Nah, this is cheeky AF.

AsTheLightFades · 27/12/2024 07:53

If you have concerns about their feralness and the older boy harming the younger, you should be ringing social services.
It seems obvious that no-one in the family will deal with this cruel parenting. Are they waiting for some kind of disaster to occur?

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 07:58

All good points.

I don't really know why we do it. I think it's a combination of loving the kids and wanting to spend time with them and a weird family dynamic where S'IL and BIL are allowed to be incapable by everyone.

And I feel sorry for the kids.

I said in a loud voice when we were going to the table at Christmas that maybe it would be practical for SIL or BIL to be near the kids and MIL said no, they are fine where they are.

The table thing is a bit tricky (we're not in the UK) and the done thing is for hosts to place people. It's very bad form to refuse. I want to try though.

OP posts:

TimeForATerf · 27/12/2024 08:02

if you were all helping poor MIL cook for 15 then you wouldn’t have time to be roped into babysitting.

Original poster

Beachcomber · 27/12/2024 08:03

And with the toileting, the little one asked his mum to go with him. Not to help, he's 4 and can certainly manage a wee on his own. But we were in my DH"s uncles house and the children don't know it very well.
The toilet is at the end of a long and gloomy corridor and the little one was afraid to go alone.

SIL just brushed him off and impatiently told him to go by himself. He didn't go and then a while later asked my DH to go because he was afraid.
DH just went because his sister wasn't going to do it and who would refuse to help a child who needed a wee but was a bit frightened of where the toilet was??

OP posts:

MumChp · 27/12/2024 08:11

Just don't do it. You don't owe free babysitting.

DarkAndTwisties · 27/12/2024 08:16

And we spend the entire meal cutting up their food (otherwise they stuff huge bits in their mouths), reminding them to chew, stopping them from eating ridiculous amounts, etc, etc.

I don't understand why you're doing this?

The safety stuff (hot soup etc) I appreciate someone needs to step in and if the parents are useless then obviously you can't just watch them seriously hurt themselves.

But a 6 year old kid that isn't yours? Stop watching how much he's eating and telling him when it's too much. You're making work for yourself. I don't disagree that the parents are in the wrong here. But some of this stuff doesn't need doing by others

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2024 08:16

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2024 07:37

And they are not babies, if they need something like going to toilets, they know where to find their parents.

I agree with this.

They're letting you do it because you're coming across as if you want to. If you don't want to, don't do it anymore.

Maybe you want them to be disciplined more regularly than they are by their parents? That's not your call.

nomoretreats · 27/12/2024 08:16

What a sad post where you are looking for ways to stop helping the kids. Your children's first cousins. Assuming you never got support or help at family functions when yours were little?

If you personally don't want to help them don't but don't stop others who can speak for themselves.

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 08:18

It’s quite normal in extended families for parents to relax a bit when there are lots of relatives around to keep an eye on the kids. In my experiences of family gatherings it would be quite strange for parents to be hovering around their children in the same way they would with other friends or in public.

Your BIL and SIL sound like they take it to the extreme and give up on parenting completely which isn’t ok, but one of the things I liked most about big family get togethers when children were young was sharing the load a bit. That might make me sound like a MN CF, but equally I now take my turn playing fabulous Auntie to give the parents of younger children some time to enjoy themselves. It’s just normal family stuff.

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