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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To use the kids Christmas money to get me through January?

520 replies

darkmorning · 27/12/2024 07:15

In a way I don’t know why I’m asking as I don’t have a choice really, but if the overall consensus is absolutely not I suppose I can use a credit card or something.

PIL gave both children £50 for their savings accounts. I’d have to put the cash in my bank account and transfer to their savings accounts: plan is to do this after I’ve been paid in January. Should I? Or is this just horrible?

OP posts:
envbeckyc · 29/12/2024 11:32

Radiohat · 29/12/2024 01:11

Yes it seems your situation is very differnt from "Darkmorning" and it is sad that you had such a mother.

Luckily in the UK there is no legal obligation to pay for next of kins funeral . I don't know where you live so maybe it is different.

My Mum actually moved 300 miles away from me in pursuit of Husband number 5, however he wouldn’t divorce his third wife because he was waiting for his youngest child to turn 18 so he could force her to sell the house and take a full 50% equity. So they never married and her previous husband remarried too!

When my Mum died ( I did see her alone a few times while she was ill while staying a local hotel) her boyfriend reported her death and used the co-op for the funeral. They contacted me to do some paperwork to release her body for cremation and not to request an autopsy which I did at my local branch.

However her boyfriend was sneaky and told them that as I would have control of her bank accounts as next of kin I would have the funds to cover it from her estate.

when I got access to her accounts amazingly she had £73 in them as she appeared to have blown the lot while she was ill and left nothing for a funeral, I assume with her boyfriend’s help!

Her boyfriend signed the paperwork for the funeral, however a few days before the funeral the coop contacted me to say that he had declared that he couldn’t afford the funeral and unless someone paid the funeral wouldn’t go ahead, and my Mum would incur a storage fee which they would seek from the estate. I felt entirely blackmailed by them and just couldn’t leave it so I paid up!

At the end of the day I just wanted it to be over!

Flippingnora100 · 29/12/2024 12:54

Sorry you’ve been attacked on here! I just wanted to say I know it’s hard with nursery fees and trying to get out of debt. Been there! I understand you don’t want any financial advice, but it does sound like you’re torn between your values of wanting the best for your kids and what is best for your own financial situation. It might help to remember that if you prioritize your own finances a bit more now, your kids will ultimately have a better time of it. They are young now, so if you spent a couple of years being really diligent now - maybe reducing the ISA amounts to $10 or $20 each month and 1) creating an emergency fund of $500 then funneling all the rest to paying down credit cards, you could then make up the ISA amounts later when you’re no longer in debt. Good luck, OP!

TattyBluebell · 29/12/2024 13:01

I think as long as you do pay it back then that's fine. I would rather do that than go down the credit card route. I remember when mine were little I had to to that a couple of times. I was bringing up my kids on my own and December is a hideous month financially.
If they are pre-schoolers then they possibly won't notice so no harm done as long as they get it back. You probably wouldn't get away with it with older kids though! 😊

emmax1980 · 29/12/2024 13:59

Do it, just pay it back.

HarrietsweetHarriet · 29/12/2024 16:37

Do what you need to do, OP, and don't feel guilty.
You're obviously doing all you can to make ends meet and, God knows, it's bloody hard.
Take care x

Retiredfromearlyyears · 29/12/2024 19:19

Radiohat ,you may have misread the post. She wasn't saying anything about inheritance. She was saying she was left to pay for her mother's funeral Obviously her mum did not want to spend on life insurance . Very selfish mother to leave her girl in that position.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 29/12/2024 20:49

Pay back later. Credit card interest does you no favours, especially if you are relying on payday money for everything.

BluesBird19764 · 29/12/2024 23:29

Don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t need to. You will pay it back when you are can & unless they are saving for something in the immediate future, what’s the issue? Ignore those who are judging you, sometimes needs must.

Closetheblinds · 30/12/2024 10:08

MinnieBalloon · 27/12/2024 07:25

Let’s be honest, with the best will in the world, they won’t get the money back if you do this.

There will always be another reason.

Grand assumption!

auderesperare · 30/12/2024 23:46

Do what you have to do OP. You are parenting small children by the time they have access to £50 inflation will have eaten it away. You make decisions for the good of the family. Hold your head up high. You are doing the best for your family.

caringcarer · 30/12/2024 23:50

AhBiscuits · 27/12/2024 07:31

Use the credit card. You won't have to pay any interest if it's just for a few weeks and it will remove any temptation to keep the children's money.

This.

petmad · 31/12/2024 11:54

Not for me id rather i starved than take their money

Characterbuilding · 31/12/2024 23:20

petmad · 31/12/2024 11:54

Not for me id rather i starved than take their money

You wouldn’t be much use to your children kneeling over from hunger would you? Or is that just more sanctimonious hyperbole?

I needed to buy a car last year - I was waiting for payment from scrapping my non-ulez compliant car. Payment had been processed but it hadn’t arrived yet and I desperately needed a vehicle.

I had two options take £1000 out from my daughters account to buy the vehicle and get her and her siblings to different schools. Or lose the car, start my research all over again and cause stress to myself, my kids and possibly waste more money unnecessarily on cabs. Several complex health conditions means this would have been almost impossible.

I’d never touched their money before (money I’d saved diligently and also added every penny ever given to them since birth - even if it was a fiver) but I had to be pragmatic.

It made no difference to her at all, was paid back within 2 weeks and she received extra money on top from me as a thank you. Thank you for a loan from an account she’s too young to comprehend exists, from a mother who loves her. Even though she was "up" on the deal I still felt bad at the time, looking back now I didn’t need to. She’s my daughter and can trust me for the rest of her life.

OP is a mother who puts away money every month for her children, this doesn’t strike me as someone who would randomly "forget" to ping over their Christmas money.

Life isn’t always simple but this false narrative of "I’d rather starve and die" seems quite grandiose and detached from reality to me…

Zemu · 01/01/2025 04:38

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 18:01

Don't the people on here who are telling the OP that she should be saving the equivalent of several months of salary and should be cutting back on everything to get debt free understand that many many people aren't in the fortunate position where they can do that? Most people I know owe money on credit cards, overdrafts, loans etc and can't clear everything at the end of the month because they don't earn Mumsnet six figure salaries! Being in debt to a smaller or greater amount is a way of life for a significant proportion of the population, and they have to juggle things around every month to make ends meet.

I’ve been out of work and extremely poor before and I always had a mindset living of within my means, go without, make do and save up for things. I think it’s far too easy to take out credit card debt these days and it’s an absolute trap that leaves you in a worse position each month with the interest compounding.

The Barefoot investor steps are applicable for people on a low income as well as people with a high income. Many high earners have a load of debts as well. You may not clear them in one month but you do need to clear them sooner or later and the sooner the better. OP has 100 spare a month so it’s a case of directing that towards current emergency savings, so she never has an 0 account balance again, and debts which are accumulating, rather than the kids long term savings account.

LBFseBrom · 01/01/2025 05:57

Characterbuilding · 31/12/2024 23:20

You wouldn’t be much use to your children kneeling over from hunger would you? Or is that just more sanctimonious hyperbole?

I needed to buy a car last year - I was waiting for payment from scrapping my non-ulez compliant car. Payment had been processed but it hadn’t arrived yet and I desperately needed a vehicle.

I had two options take £1000 out from my daughters account to buy the vehicle and get her and her siblings to different schools. Or lose the car, start my research all over again and cause stress to myself, my kids and possibly waste more money unnecessarily on cabs. Several complex health conditions means this would have been almost impossible.

I’d never touched their money before (money I’d saved diligently and also added every penny ever given to them since birth - even if it was a fiver) but I had to be pragmatic.

It made no difference to her at all, was paid back within 2 weeks and she received extra money on top from me as a thank you. Thank you for a loan from an account she’s too young to comprehend exists, from a mother who loves her. Even though she was "up" on the deal I still felt bad at the time, looking back now I didn’t need to. She’s my daughter and can trust me for the rest of her life.

OP is a mother who puts away money every month for her children, this doesn’t strike me as someone who would randomly "forget" to ping over their Christmas money.

Life isn’t always simple but this false narrative of "I’d rather starve and die" seems quite grandiose and detached from reality to me…

That is a very sensible and helpful post, Characterbuilding.

Marelli · 01/01/2025 14:38

I see this is a few days ago that you posted & I've read through some of the replies & your responses & some references to other posts, to try to get a "bigger picture" & there are some things that I noted.

If I have this right, I see the money is to help with fuel to visit family then get to work. I have to be honest in that, as for visiting, I would tell someone that if you can't afford the travel costs then you don't go, this isn't a necessity, but I understand seeing family is very important to many, children love seeing grandparents & depending on the age of grandparents those opportunities to see them could not be there in the near future....
Personally I see no problem in borrowing the childrens money as long as you are sure you can pay it back, it's going into an ISA, so they can't spend it, so they lose nothing.
BUT....
Regardless of whether you use the children's money or credit cards, maybe this is your sign to take a look at how you are managing finances.
You say you are paid well, so the question is, why would you be running out of money & why have you no savings?
I have helped many people sort out their finances over the years, one of the most common problems is people being paid monthly. With people running out of money before the end of the month, we work on breaking their finances down to weekly amounts, the goal is to have a set amount each week to spend.
I was finding people were saying, "I have no money this week because X is being paid this week" eg: X = any bills/DDs like Mortgage, Rent, Gas, Electric etc, so we would work on building up enough money so a person is like a month ahead financially, so all bills etc didn't matter what they day they left the bank, a person would still have the same amount of money every week of the year. Another issue was people not budgeting for things like birthdays, Xmas, so we would set a budget & these would be planned for, each month a set amount was put in a savings account just for these occasions, included would be presents, food, travel.
There should always be the emergency fund, I always ask "if your washing machine/cooker/boiler breaks can you afford to replace it without getting into debt?"
Prioritising is important, so with budgeting, it's daily expenses first, then other essentials that aren't necessarily weekly like your clothing, shoes, the emergency fund takes priority over birthday/Xmas fund. In some cases people have told family that they are no longer to buy Xmas/birthday presents for each other, sometimes it needs to stop, you don't need to buy for all your niece's, nephews, cousins, even your brother & sisters, if your situation needs it.
Finally if a person is in the position you have the luxury fund, that's your holidays, concerts, day trips, luxury items, jewellery, tech etc.
We also look at ways of saving money, better ways to shop, cheap meals, ways of making little bits of extra money, eg: cashback sites, if people are good at budgeting, cashback credit cards, use for your daily spending & pay in full at the end of every week/month.
Often people are shocked when they break down their finances & spending & just how much money they are wasting & how much they could have saved..this includes people who thought they were managing their finances & budgeting well, thinking they just didn't have enough money to get them through the month.
It doesn't take long to go through your incomings & outgoings, breaking it all down & rejigging so you don't end up in situations like this, if you need to ask a trusted person or an advisor to help you do it.

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 01/01/2025 22:03

This thread….

OP do what you NEED to do and best wishes to you - take care

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/01/2025 15:40

Baileysfeverdream · 28/12/2024 20:29

I used to borrow money from my DS fairly often when he was in primary and i was working part time, though it was cash from his piggy bank and I always left an IOU. He had plenty in his puggy bank as my Dad had a tendency to slip him a fiver once or twice a week.

I was pretty broke for a few years, so needs must - if we needed milk and toilet paper, I didn't want to put it off till pay day and I didn't have a credit card, just a debit card, so could only spend money I had.

It's not as if you're spending the kids money on gambling or drugs, it's taking them to see their grandparents and feeding them, so I don't think it's awful to consider spending their money, as long as you put it into their account eventually.

It's a shame that your dad didn't realise and slip you the fiver. You needed it for living, your son didn't because you were taking care of that.

Ponderingwindow · 03/01/2025 13:25

You’re married, but you have debt from maternity leave? Does your husband also have debt from your maternity leave? If not, is there a drip feed like he is in a coma? If he is earning and didn’t share the financial loss, that is financial abuse.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/01/2025 13:38

Use the cash, repay it in Jan/Feb

My Mum really scrimped and saved to put money into a savings account for me when I was growing up. when I got to 18, it was a nice to have, but it was about £50 from memory (1970s) - I bought a fridge.

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