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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ungrateful?

113 replies

Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:13

I asked my mother this year not to buy me anything for Xmas - this is the 3rd year of asking. I said that if she really wanted to get us something, then please make a charity donation on our behalf and buy some lego/ toys for a local food bank collecting.

She buys for my kids and that’s enough for me.

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

She ignored my wishes. Said she didn’t want to donate to charity and bought me a load of stuff - a pashmina that I will never wear, a bag that she would use but I will never use, at least 5 other things- toiletries, etc etc.

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter. She also bought me stuff that she likes but feels like it’s for the person she wants me to be and I am not. She knows this too.

It actually felt so disrespectful that I have asked for 3 years running now for no presents. But she makes me feel like I am being ungrateful - and I feel guilty then because I don’t want any of it. And angry that she can’t respect my wishes.

Luckily she wasn’t with us for Xmas this year- I was actually quite angry and upset by it all.

I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful when I keep asking her every year not to buy me stuff.

Aibu?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 27/12/2024 05:15

Disrespected? Upset? Angry? No need to be so dramatic, say thanks and give it to a local charity. Job done.

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:19

I guess it’s a reaction to a similar thing happening throughout my life- she steam rollers over anything I ask/ has no respect for me as an individual. And my reaction is the sum of that!

OP posts:
Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:22

Sound annoying. I would have suggested the charity shop but that’s just one more thing to organise to do on your day off.

Can you play it differently? Tell her you’re saving for a holiday and could she give you cash instead? Or a gift voucher to John Lewis or whatever for a big purchase?

Snowmanscarf · 27/12/2024 05:24

You’ve mentioned it, and left the ball in her court. She’s decided that she would still like to buy something. Accept the gifts and move on.

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:34

I guess it’s about boundaries too. People speak a lot on here about boundaries with partners or friends or in work etc.

My mother has no respect for my boundaries or views and this felt like an example of that. I ask something repeatedly over years - she ignores it repeatedly.

OP posts:
MumChp · 27/12/2024 05:36

Let it go. Regift or charity.

BigMingeEnergy · 27/12/2024 05:37

Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:34

I guess it’s about boundaries too. People speak a lot on here about boundaries with partners or friends or in work etc.

My mother has no respect for my boundaries or views and this felt like an example of that. I ask something repeatedly over years - she ignores it repeatedly.

Boundaries is a word that's thrown around lots on here. And it definitely has its place. But 'boundaries' over a few unwanted Christmas gives? Just pass them into the charity you choose and move on!

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:39

Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:34

I guess it’s about boundaries too. People speak a lot on here about boundaries with partners or friends or in work etc.

My mother has no respect for my boundaries or views and this felt like an example of that. I ask something repeatedly over years - she ignores it repeatedly.

I get that. If I asked my mother not to buy me anything she would 100% respect that.

Does your mum give to everyone? For some people giving gifts is compulsive, they get a dopamine hit from it.

landbeforegrime · 27/12/2024 05:41

yanbu. my sister decided one year that she would only gratefully accept gifts from her wish list. anything else would go to charity shops. it does mean she comes across as a CF - items are not usually cheap and can be insane requests, but we all know where we stand. so next year why not tell your mum that you would like a b or c and if she doesn't get you something from your list then due to lack of space it will be re-gifted. if you don't have much space can you include consumables on the list, or fancy candles from certain high end brands, makeup or moisturiser you use regularly etc so would otherwise need to buy?

GB81 · 27/12/2024 05:43

Regift them back to her

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:46

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:39

I get that. If I asked my mother not to buy me anything she would 100% respect that.

Does your mum give to everyone? For some people giving gifts is compulsive, they get a dopamine hit from it.

Show quote history

I don’t even know what it is. She buys for my kids. I buy her what she asked for - a voucher.

I don’t know why she just can’t hear what I am saying! She knows that w are trying to get rid of years of stuff too- I also inherited a load of scarves from an auntie and she knows this too, knows I am trying to get rid. Yet buys me a cream pashmina knowing I have 4 already as I inherited all this stuff and it’s overwhelming me. It’s so bizarre!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:47

landbeforegrime · 27/12/2024 05:41

yanbu. my sister decided one year that she would only gratefully accept gifts from her wish list. anything else would go to charity shops. it does mean she comes across as a CF - items are not usually cheap and can be insane requests, but we all know where we stand. so next year why not tell your mum that you would like a b or c and if she doesn't get you something from your list then due to lack of space it will be re-gifted. if you don't have much space can you include consumables on the list, or fancy candles from certain high end brands, makeup or moisturiser you use regularly etc so would otherwise need to buy?

It’s not even that I have a gift list! I have a no gift list!!!

OP posts:
Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:48

Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:46

I don’t even know what it is. She buys for my kids. I buy her what she asked for - a voucher.

I don’t know why she just can’t hear what I am saying! She knows that w are trying to get rid of years of stuff too- I also inherited a load of scarves from an auntie and she knows this too, knows I am trying to get rid. Yet buys me a cream pashmina knowing I have 4 already as I inherited all this stuff and it’s overwhelming me. It’s so bizarre!!!

Show quote history

Wow, so she asks for a voucher for herself!

You definitely need to tell her that you will only accept a voucher or cash and that you won’t be taking any gifts for uou home.

Can you just leave the gifts with her?

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:52

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:48

Wow, so she asks for a voucher for herself!

You definitely need to tell her that you will only accept a voucher or cash and that you won’t be taking any gifts for uou home.

Can you just leave the gifts with her?

Show quote history

I know!

She also has this weird thing about giving to charity. I have asked several times that she gift some toys to a local charity instead and she won’t do that. Won’t donate to the charity I asked her too either (Plan international - I asked her to sponsor a girl on our behalf - you can like donate so a girl can go to school) - she refused.

The whole thing is just so frustrating.

OP posts:
icecreamsundaeno5 · 27/12/2024 05:55

I really love Christmas, and choosing gifts for my grown up children and grandchildren. I would be quite upset myself if they said that I couldn't buy them gifts.

I would probably think that they didn't really mean it, or were worried about me spending a lot of money.

Couldn't you compromise by suggesting something you actually want next year? That way your mum gets to buy her daughter a gift, and you get something you don't consider 'clutter.' There must be something surely, even if it's practical or a voucher.

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:58

Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 05:52

I know!

She also has this weird thing about giving to charity. I have asked several times that she gift some toys to a local charity instead and she won’t do that. Won’t donate to the charity I asked her too either (Plan international - I asked her to sponsor a girl on our behalf - you can like donate so a girl can go to school) - she refused.

The whole thing is just so frustrating.

Show quote history

This definitely sounds like a control issue for her.

You’ve got to take the control back.

Where does this present exchange happen?

Where are the toys? Are they at yours, if yes, put them on her doorstep.

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 06:00

icecreamsundaeno5 · 27/12/2024 05:55

I really love Christmas, and choosing gifts for my grown up children and grandchildren. I would be quite upset myself if they said that I couldn't buy them gifts.

I would probably think that they didn't really mean it, or were worried about me spending a lot of money.

Couldn't you compromise by suggesting something you actually want next year? That way your mum gets to buy her daughter a gift, and you get something you don't consider 'clutter.' There must be something surely, even if it's practical or a voucher.

Yes, I get what you are saying totally. I think my view is that she gets to spoil my kids if she wants to.

I have asked that she just spend a small amount on a charity donation for us and understand that it would bring me more satisfaction than more stuff!

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 27/12/2024 06:05

icecreamsundaeno5 · 27/12/2024 05:55

I really love Christmas, and choosing gifts for my grown up children and grandchildren. I would be quite upset myself if they said that I couldn't buy them gifts.

I would probably think that they didn't really mean it, or were worried about me spending a lot of money.

Couldn't you compromise by suggesting something you actually want next year? That way your mum gets to buy her daughter a gift, and you get something you don't consider 'clutter.' There must be something surely, even if it's practical or a voucher.

If people don't want presents you should respect that.
It's not about what you want.

CreationNat1on · 27/12/2024 06:08

It might be a mental health issue of hers. It's madness, but you can't control her, just your reaction to her.

Sell the stuff ebay or FB market place or regift. Do you know anyone that would want the gifts? Can you donate them to a women's refuge? Same with the clothes you inherited, can you donate?

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/12/2024 06:12

icecreamsundaeno5 · 27/12/2024 05:55

I really love Christmas, and choosing gifts for my grown up children and grandchildren. I would be quite upset myself if they said that I couldn't buy them gifts.

I would probably think that they didn't really mean it, or were worried about me spending a lot of money.

Couldn't you compromise by suggesting something you actually want next year? That way your mum gets to buy her daughter a gift, and you get something you don't consider 'clutter.' There must be something surely, even if it's practical or a voucher.

This would drive me potty if you were my mum. It’s really rude to disregard what someone asks of you because you think you know better. YOU might like giving gifts but they don’t want to receive them. Since gifting is meant to be about the recipient and not the giver, you should give people the gift of respecting their wishes if they ask for no gifts. They mean it.

OP you are not BU.

Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 06:13

CreationNat1on · 27/12/2024 06:08

It might be a mental health issue of hers. It's madness, but you can't control her, just your reaction to her.

Sell the stuff ebay or FB market place or regift. Do you know anyone that would want the gifts? Can you donate them to a women's refuge? Same with the clothes you inherited, can you donate?

Yea that’s a nice idea actually. Women’s refuge - I have been trying to sort the clothes stuff to get rid- will do some research over next few weeks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Owhatsoccurring · 27/12/2024 06:16

I also think once you get to a certain point in life (I am 51), your values change.

The absolute irony of all of this is that she lives in a super minimalist house & has no clutter and is actually quite critical of our house and how it’s not very tidy.

Yet she adds to it by buying me more crap!

OP posts:
Hottoffeesauce · 27/12/2024 06:46

When my kids were little, my mum did this too. Bought them loads (and I mean tonnes of 'crap') every Christmas. I soon realised, it wasn't about what the kids (or I) wanted, it was about her love of going shopping and our wishes didn't come into it. I would load it all up into my car and drop it all off at the local charity shop - job done!

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 06:55

Hottoffeesauce · 27/12/2024 06:46

When my kids were little, my mum did this too. Bought them loads (and I mean tonnes of 'crap') every Christmas. I soon realised, it wasn't about what the kids (or I) wanted, it was about her love of going shopping and our wishes didn't come into it. I would load it all up into my car and drop it all off at the local charity shop - job done!

Dropping it off to charity isn’t so easy for everyone. Our high street has one car park which is a long walk from the charity shops.

The high street is pedestrianised so you can’t even just quickly stop and drop it off.

SoftandQuiet · 27/12/2024 06:55

I think this is an example of the bigger problem OP. She doesn’t listen to you or respect your opinion in general which is why this seemingly insignificant issue upsets you so much.