Am I being ungrateful?

[Owhatsoccurring]

I asked my mother this year not to buy me anything for Xmas - this is the 3rd year of asking. I said that if she really wanted to get us something, then please make a charity donation on our behalf and buy some lego/ toys for a local food bank collecting.

She buys for my kids and that’s enough for me.

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

She ignored my wishes. Said she didn’t want to donate to charity and bought me a load of stuff - a pashmina that I will never wear, a bag that she would use but I will never use, at least 5 other things- toiletries, etc etc.

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter. She also bought me stuff that she likes but feels like it’s for the person she wants me to be and I am not. She knows this too.

It actually felt so disrespectful that I have asked for 3 years running now for no presents. But she makes me feel like I am being ungrateful - and I feel guilty then because I don’t want any of it. And angry that she can’t respect my wishes.

Luckily she wasn’t with us for Xmas this year- I was actually quite angry and upset by it all.

I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful when I keep asking her every year not to buy me stuff.

Aibu?

If you have too much stuff and it's overwhelming, give it away. You are not obligated to keep stuff just because someone gave it to you. Just get rid.

But trying to control someone's gift giving when they obviously don't agree isn't a "boundary." It's manipulative. My adult children, dh and I decided to donate to charities in each other's names this year. The key is that we ALL agreed. Your dm doesn't agree. She wants to give you gifts. In that case accepting them with thanks and passing them on to someone who can use them is the gracious thing to do.

Yes this, or think of something you actually need. We do an extended family adults gift thing, where we are each given two names to buy for with a value of £25-30 each. It's the least christmas thing ever as we all just swap Amazon lists. i make sure there are things I need so this year I got amazingly comfortable sketchers slippers as my old pair were falling apart, and a travel kettle so I can make my own coffee in my hotel room when I go skiing.

There must be something you need OP, ask for that.

When is her birthday?
Register it all back to her

I struggle a little with the concept of buying more for very full houses but I also understand her wanting to ‘gift’ something, despite you not wanting it.

I think there are two options here - 1) next time carry on and ask for some things but makes them usable items .e.g. I use Christmas and birthdays to ask for any skincare, make up or perfume that I do use. I don’t use tonnes but it makes sense to time it with gifting events as otherwise I’d be getting them myself.

Alternatively, is there something you like to do that could be gifted? A membership, subscription, theatre ticket, voucher for dinner out or National Trust? Then it’s not ‘cluttering’ but a lovely experience.

It’s literally a forum for discussing stuff - 99% of the posts on here would probably meet your definition for self absorption so not sure why you are here?

No empathy then? It’s more likely
that this is a bigger issue, of not feeling heard, and boundaries not being respected in general. It’s not self absorbed at all

Did you know that the Mirror has written an article based on your post? I thought you should know. That's how i ended up here, via their link to your post in the article

Oh and i always write ridiculously long messages - i never expect people to read them either though. Idk, i always mean to write something much shorter. :/ Sorry, you can skim read or not bother reading i understand.

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so, you have my total sympathy because my mother does much the same. Slightly different motivations, but the same result really and i have a huge clutter problem already too.

Obviously those who don't have similar mother or clutter situations etc are more likely to say quite unhelpful, over-simplistic things like, just sell it or donate it. If it was really so easy then you wouldn't be discussing it online and you wouldn't be battling clutter for years. That's not the real problem. It's the extra emotional stress and wanting to be heard/respected/supported as an adult and someone probably doing their best to make things better (regarding the clutter), etc. I think you want to be heard and understood ..i read your story and i thought well there's someone who would get it. I wanted you to feel like at least some people understood too, so i was really glad a number of people were sympathetic on this site. I thought I'd add my support/sympathy too. As opposed to writing my mother another pointless angry email before the next occasion and pile of junk arrives. I hope this is a better option.

It's not fair, it's another burden and hypocrisy when your mother criticises you while adding to your problem (i liked the suggestion that you collect everything and put it back on her doorstep; maybe also with the clothes add a note saying it's more your style). It's no wonder you get angry and not grateful. It's not a gift. It might even just be a criticism or effort to control you.

Can i be honest (if not, and it's usually a bad idea, i apologise so much..because i don't know your mother to say anything really anyway. I could be 100% wrong, so sorry in advance for any offence caused) and say that i think your mother is possibly a Narcissist because you say she's trying to dress you in her style of clothes (or can she not accept you're a grown up individual?) &doesn't show concern for your feelings regarding presents or your clutter struggles (only criticising and sabotaging you, not supporting your efforts to deal with), etc. Idk, I'm only guessing. My mother is a depressed hoarder, a compulsive shopper. Her motivations are partly different, although i think narcissism or simple, ordinary selfishness is a big part too because she shows no concern over what i want or feel. I have a huge clutter problem, tell her annually multiple times not to buy me anything and am always ignored. I feel the same way you do, angry and stressed and made to feel ungrateful/guilty.

Everyone thinks it's so easy to get rid of stuff, but it's not. Especially if you don't drive, have energy, time, etc etc etc.. and also you have someone sabotaging you too. Like it's not already so hard and like you have room to store yet more stuff before you can get it to a new home/charity shop/sold. If it was easy to deal with a few new presents then you wouldn't have a clutter problem still. Decluttering is hard. It's an emotional thing, not just a practical challenge (especially when you have a large volume of stuff). Idk why people aren't understanding the situation more.

Maybe they think selling on ebay is fun, easy and profitable.. well, not really in my experience. Idk if you would have better success, but it's still a lot of work even if it's profitable/worth it financially. Even if there's no problems from the buyer.

I hate the wasted money (and things sat around unused, doing nothing but cause stress) too. Even if she kept the money for herself it would be better.

In short (maybe/at last?), you aren't ungrateful and your feelings do matter. You should be supported (offering to pay a professional declutter to help you would make sense if she insists on a present and wants to criticise your home - if you wanted that) and not have things only made worse. I doubt things will change, based on more than 3yrs of trying to get my mother to stop doing the same. a good present might also be free babysitting while you sort out your home, or just get to pamper yourself for once. Yeah, so sorry you have to deal with this too and best wishes. Hope it does improve ..because maybe you can agree something that involves experiences rather than things next year? Maybe she would enjoy doing something she could be involved in too, idk. Good luck and sympathies

I've got an idea.

You say your mum gives you stuff she would like? Well, along with "boundaries", we're also fond of saying "Match their energy". So gift your mother a Plan International sponsorship!

Job done, point made, and she might even enjoy getting updates from "her" girl.

3yrs isn't long if you have depression, hoarding issues, disabilities, kids, job(s), sabotaging family, or who know how what issues and a house with decades full of stuff, plus if you read it she has inherited stuff that isn't even wanted too i think. It's easy/quick for some people.. but not everyone is the same or has the same situation

Oh, get over yourself! If it bothers you then give it to a charity shop.

https://anglodoorstepcollections.co.uk/

Charity doorstep collection

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

This is where I’m at at the moment and experience a slight rising panic when people talk about giving me more fecking stuff. But this is MY problem really.

It sounds as if you see your mother gifting you stuff as the equivalent of somebody giving cigarettes to a friend they know is trying to quit.

Regardless of any wider issues in your relationship with your mother though, I can see how it could be very hard for any mother not to give her child presents for birthdays or Christmas. It may feel intolerably unnatural and uncomfortable to her. Could you ask for something more experiential in future that won’t take up space - like a beauty treatment voucher, cinema or restaurant vouchers?

As for the current crop of unwelcome gifts, if you eBay them and get some money for them, it won’t feel as if the money was totally wasted.

Can you not just give her the stuff back?

I know you mean well mum, but I asked for no presents, and a lot of this is your taste, not mine, so why don't you keep it or get your money back?

That would definitely drive the message home.

If she doesn't want it back, let her know it is all going straight to the charity shop, so is she sure she doesn't want to get her money back.

If it’s something you enjoy doing, could you ask for something like an afternoon tea voucher?

I understand OP. I feel the same as you, if I say I don’t want something it’s because I genuinely don’t, but here on planet Mumsnet that makes you ungrateful.

Just give it to a charity shop. That’s what you asked her to do, donate to charity so just a round about way of doing it. Some people find it hard not to buy anything.

I hear you mentioning boundaries, disrespect, and similar concerns. It sounds like you want to set your own rules (not wanting gifts) while your mum still wants to give them. She might feel hurt if there’s nothing for you to open. Have you considered respecting her wishes too?

It seems like these issues could be avoided. If she gives you something you don’t want, you could simply donate it to charity, sell it online, or regift it. Problem solved.

Next year, instead of saying you don’t want anything, perhaps you could say something like: “Mum, I really don’t need anything, but if you’d like to give me something, maybe a voucher for a day out with my kids would be perfect.”

This.

Just donate it to a local charity or sell it and donate the money

You have absolutely no right to dictate how your mother spends her own money and you sound so petty it's untrue

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter.

Why "desperately trying"? How difficult can it be to take this stuff to a charity shop if you really don't want it?

I was going to say that

"Trying" to declutter ... Just do it then get off your booty and get it sorted rather than moaning it's there and your mum's so nasty by giving you presents

(Obviously in reply to op not you)

Never have I seen such a bizarre reaction

I would.love it if someone asked me not to buy something. Less shopping. However that is not the point.
I would be grateful that my Mum has thought of me, bought gifts and wrapped them. As working mums we are doing a lot and nobody does anything for us .
However, I get she clearly hasn't listened and also bought stuff you won't use.
Some people get great joy out of buying presents for others at xmas. My sister does.
She is your mum. You know what it's like to be a mum and you are still her baby and just accept that she wanted to buy you something. No need to feel angry or disrespected

I'm sorry but 3 years is a long time even with those issues.
The fact OP mentioned inherited scarves makes me think there is more to it, they are probably the easiest thing to put in a bag and drop off at the charity shop but 3 years later they are still in the house...

You know she is going to buy you something so either ask for something you would like, a voucher for a shop or experience. You must like some.