Am I being ungrateful?

[Owhatsoccurring]

I asked my mother this year not to buy me anything for Xmas - this is the 3rd year of asking. I said that if she really wanted to get us something, then please make a charity donation on our behalf and buy some lego/ toys for a local food bank collecting.

She buys for my kids and that’s enough for me.

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

She ignored my wishes. Said she didn’t want to donate to charity and bought me a load of stuff - a pashmina that I will never wear, a bag that she would use but I will never use, at least 5 other things- toiletries, etc etc.

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter. She also bought me stuff that she likes but feels like it’s for the person she wants me to be and I am not. She knows this too.

It actually felt so disrespectful that I have asked for 3 years running now for no presents. But she makes me feel like I am being ungrateful - and I feel guilty then because I don’t want any of it. And angry that she can’t respect my wishes.

Luckily she wasn’t with us for Xmas this year- I was actually quite angry and upset by it all.

I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful when I keep asking her every year not to buy me stuff.

Aibu?

Totally agree with this.

Plus the Op has complete control over what she does with the gifts (& the aunts scarves) so could regift, take to a charity shop or simply bin the lot.

Decluttering isn't difficult unless you're a hoarder so all this sounds overly dramatic!

What I would give to have my mum at Xmas………..

My MIL is the exact same OP, it drives me insane, buys loads of crap every year. The last couple of years I have been really specific with what to buy when she asks I.E we needed a new pan this year. She's never going to not buy you anything so come up with somethings that are useful or need replacing. I'm more bothered about the environmental impact with all this extra stuff just floating around!

I can't get past the fact that you inherited scarves from your auntie and are struggling to get rid of them. Unless they are Hermes and worth a bomb, what exactly are you struggling with? 50 to 100 scarves would fit into a shopping bag and can be dropped at your local charity shop. As you are keen on charitable donations you can even sign a gift aid form.

How long can that possibly take? Ditto the rest of the decluttering you are talking about. Get some moving day boxes and book a man and van to take it to the tip if there's that much. Job done.

Meanwhile, learn a little grace. Gifts are about receiving as well as giving.

Other issues at the root of this I suspect.

Without wanting to sound mean- I think the issue here is with you. You seem to have put a hell of a lot of baggage behind these gifts and they’re really not that. I would suggest working through this with a therapist as it sounds to me like there’s so much more to these thoughts.

You also need to remember that not everyone believes in charity’s and certainly wouldn’t want to spend their money on that so, you asking your mother to do that is potentially just going to rattle her. It certainly would me.

My love language is gifts so my way of showing love is also by giving gifts. It would be worth looking into love languages to learn a little more about yourself and others. It’s so enlightening.

I understand where you’re coming from and appreciate how frustrating it is but, all of the things you’re suggesting are not what your mother wants or needs. She clearly wants to show you, her daughter (not her grandchildren/charity/anyone else for that matter) her love and the way she knows how is through gifting you.
I understand her and I think as your children grow older you’ll understand it more. I most definitely couldn’t buy just my grandchildren Christmas presents when it is my daughter that has done all of the hard work of bringing them into the world and bringing them up.

I’d suggest either graciously accepting whatever she buys you in future and gifting elsewhere or actually telling her something that would be really useful to you. Or what I like to do with my mum is ask for a day out together that she pays for. She then enjoys making a voucher and wrapping it for me to open on Christmas Day/birthdays. It’s also a lovely opportunity to spend time just me and her which in all honesty is so rare now I have children of my own. No, I don’t always want to go. Yes she can be a right royal pain in the arse but, when I do it it’s always worth it. Try it. Xx

As PP have said, gift giving and receiving can be about something much deeper than a simple 'just be grateful/ just give it to charity/just get over yourself'.

OP, I just want to recommend a podcast: Calling Home with Whitney Goodman. She talks a lot about difficult relationships between parents and their adult children, and she's just done a little series of episodes on gift-giving and Christmas which you might relate to.

Then you’re choosing a bad example. It’s hard to justify your anger at being ignored when the outcome was that you received gifts.
If the issue is a generic ‘boundary’ one, then choose better examples and address it with her properly, face to face, like an adult.

You might be reading more into this than there is. She's your mum. Buying things for you makes her feel happy. Just accept it and then donate it to charity.
It's hard for some people to accept that someone really doesn't want anything

I have told my mother for years that I don't like pralines or chocolates like Milk Tray and prefer malteses or chocolate bars. Every year for Christmas and birthday she buys me Milk Tray! I am 60 next year and she has never listened. This year I swapped with ds. Tbh after losing my db this year I'm just happy to still have her and df so I've given up. If it makes dm happy to give me things I don't want it's fine.

The posters saying you’re unreasonable clearly have never experienced this sort of deliberate and repeated disregard of their wishes. I can sense how unbelievably frustrated and disappointed you must be.

I note that she asks for a voucher, could you do the same? Ask for m&s or John Lewis, then spend it all on lovely food for the new year, instead of having unwanted objects in your home.

I would be frustrated too.

So. You’ve tried 3 times and just saying ‘I don’t want presents’ isn’t working. Change tactic. Be more specific and make the charity donation one that feels like a present e.g. ‘I would really love my toilet to be paired with one in the developing world, could you get me that? It comes with a certificate I’ll hang in my loo!’ Provide a link.

Also, if she’s set on getting you multiple things, be clear about what you really don’t want e.g. ‘I really don’t need any clothes or toiletries. But I would love a scented candle/bar of chocolate/fancy olive oil/voucher for an experience.’

Ask her for the receipts so you can return and if she doesn’t have them then offer the gifts back or say you are donating to charity.

my mum wraps up stuff from her house that she wants to declutter. Some of it is new stuff like bed spreads and gives to to me for Xmas. She wrapped up a school picture of me that was in my nans house.

tell her that you want her to donate your gift money to charity or just not buy you anything. You have to be firm and take stuff back to her house. She is basically gaslighting you.