Am I being ungrateful?

[Owhatsoccurring]

I asked my mother this year not to buy me anything for Xmas - this is the 3rd year of asking. I said that if she really wanted to get us something, then please make a charity donation on our behalf and buy some lego/ toys for a local food bank collecting.

She buys for my kids and that’s enough for me.

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

She ignored my wishes. Said she didn’t want to donate to charity and bought me a load of stuff - a pashmina that I will never wear, a bag that she would use but I will never use, at least 5 other things- toiletries, etc etc.

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter. She also bought me stuff that she likes but feels like it’s for the person she wants me to be and I am not. She knows this too.

It actually felt so disrespectful that I have asked for 3 years running now for no presents. But she makes me feel like I am being ungrateful - and I feel guilty then because I don’t want any of it. And angry that she can’t respect my wishes.

Luckily she wasn’t with us for Xmas this year- I was actually quite angry and upset by it all.

I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful when I keep asking her every year not to buy me stuff.

Aibu?

It sounds like there are two issues here…

You already have your own things you want to declutter and you are trying to work through those and you’re not finding it easy. Plus, you have your aunts things which I’m guessing had an emotional attachment for you especially as she died young. That alone sounds overwhelming.

Then to compound this your mum, who knows what you are already dealing with, is adding to your burden by giving you more things and not listening to you this may be because she has her own issues that need addressing. I don’t really have advice - you could suggest she get a voucher for afternoon tea or some other activity for the two of you but she may still buy that and something along with it…

Could you instead ask her for vouchers?

Why would you not respect their requests?

@CreationNat1on is right. The key to your peace of mind in this situation is choosing to react differently. Your mother is going to give you things that you are going to bounce straight to the charity shop or someone you know who would appreciate those gifts. You don’t actually want gifts from her so you are not missing out. You are just tasked with making the donation instead of her making a donation direct to a charity.

If she ever asks if you enjoyed her gifts explain what you did with them because you have said numerous times that you don’t want gifts. She’ll probably be upset but it will focus her mind on your boundaries

It's not unreasonable that she buys you a gift for Christmas and I'm sure your house is not full of stuff all from her so she's not to blame for that. Asking for a charity donation isn't generally what people do at Christmas, so it's sort of unreasonable in return, especially as others have said you could donate it all to charity tomorrow and there's your donation! Can't you send a link for some clothes and toiletries you like next year because everyone does need clothes and toiletries.

It’s not the stuff, it’s the control element and lack of respect that you are upset about. Give the stuff to charity - make a point of telling her that, I would!

This

So for example I think we can assume everyone showers/has a bath. So you could ask for a beautiful soap or shower he'll that you wouldn't normally justify spending on for yourself. It's something you'll use anyway so isn't clutter?

I am obsessed with lip balm and hand cream and love it when I get fancy ones as gifts

It is totally disrespectful- putting her desire to give things above your wish not have stuff

It's trying to force a lifestyle ( one based on goods ) on you

Just take the stuff straight to the charity shop as you wanted to support charities anyway

@Owhatsoccurring how about you suggest she spends what she spent on you, on herself and not get you anything and you won’t buy a voucher for her, with the warning that if she does buy you anything, you will donate to charity?

This is about more than Christmas gifts, clearly.

I agree with PP re: both respect and also giving. List of things you would appreciate. For now, donate some and flog the rest? Use the money to pay for something you actually would like, like tickets to a film or a subscription, ie an experience rather than ‘stuff’?

Yea it is. But this is how it manifests- she buys me stuff that she likes - the bag she got me isn’t something I would ever use- it’s something she likes. She wants me to be like her- but I am not- I am my own person. It’s a complicated mash up of lots of things. But Xmas often brings these things up in families I guess - I suspect I am far from being the only one.

It's all about her isn't it? I would regift the things back to her. Wrap them up now and label them to her, put them in a cupboard and when it's her birthday give them to her.

What ever happened to the old fashioned etiquette of graciously accepting a gift, regardless of what it is. Why does everything have to be so complicated these days?

Which we do- for my kids.

But Christmas is also a mad consumer fest with tons of tat circulating that no one needs. What’s also wrong with saying ‘enough’ and trying to do something less consumer driven and more positive- ie, giving to some kids who would otherwise have no presents.

Because pointless consumption is a tradition that belongs in the past like smacking children or treating women as property- why can't some people accept that and respect alternative ways of living and showing love and affection ?

To all the posts saying charity shop, regift etc they are missing the essence of the problem which is you feel unheard, not listened to and giving you more stuff when decluttering is unhelpful. It's not black and white

Maybe your mum also feels unheard, not listened to, as if her wishes are being disregarded.

Just compromise like most folk manage to do.

YANBU. It's horrible when you are totally ignored and get shit foisted on you.

Everyone on here is encouraged to make lists and be clear with family what they want and if they get crap they don't want are told they are entitled to feel aggrieved. Unless what you want is a charity donation or nothing at all and then suddenly it's switched over and it's the river's wishes that suddenly take precedence. Absolute bullshit.

Only PIL and SIL but me Christmas presents. I've manged to get them to do the charity option a couple of times but now they refuse. I think it's rude and stupid but suck it up as they do respect it at my birthday so accepting Christmas presents is my compromise.

I think its understandable that your mother won't buy you 'nothing' for Christmas. So the trick is to ask for something you do want, or at least will use. she obviously thinks a voucher is a 'suitable' present and a charity donation isn't.
So next year you ask for a voucher too.
If it's for m&s or somewhere general you can always spend it on food, furniture or stuff for the kids, things you need, so it won't go to waste.

If you ask for a voucher and she ignores that and buys you random crap then the following year do the same to her.

If you tell her you don't want anything but then graciously accept when she ignores you she's going to keep doing it because she'll assume you don't really mean it.

Just manage this differently- clearly she’s uncomfortable with not getting you anything, and you refuse to give her ideas. What about meal out voucher, or Air B &B , or a theatre tickets?

Agree . I have never heard anyone IRL use the word boundaries unless they are talking about land boundaries!😂

Which is understandable. Just say nothing, and donate to charity, anything you do not want yourself. Some people just seem to love giving other people things, that they have no need for.

Three years is an awful long time to be decluttering your home....do you live in a mansion stuffed to the rafters with things?
For most people a scarf, hand bag and a few bits won't make that much difference to the state of their home.
Yes it is annoying that your mother hasn't listened to you but normally people would laugh and donate to charity, are you sure you're not so upset because the gifts have shown how little progress you have made in 3 years?

Decluttering is a sort of on going process for many people. I try to clear out every cupboard once a year, my mum does hers twice a year.

I know there are things I struggle to part with but that's my own issues.