Am I being ungrateful?

[Owhatsoccurring]

I asked my mother this year not to buy me anything for Xmas - this is the 3rd year of asking. I said that if she really wanted to get us something, then please make a charity donation on our behalf and buy some lego/ toys for a local food bank collecting.

She buys for my kids and that’s enough for me.

Also, I have a house full of stuff that I am desperately trying to get rid of! I don’t need anything and genuinely am happy if it’s just my kids having presents. It’s enough for me! I have all the stuff I could ever need and I don’t want more stuff when I am desperately trying to declutter years of stuff.

She ignored my wishes. Said she didn’t want to donate to charity and bought me a load of stuff - a pashmina that I will never wear, a bag that she would use but I will never use, at least 5 other things- toiletries, etc etc.

I know this might sound ungrateful but it really upset me. I am desperately trying to declutter. She also bought me stuff that she likes but feels like it’s for the person she wants me to be and I am not. She knows this too.

It actually felt so disrespectful that I have asked for 3 years running now for no presents. But she makes me feel like I am being ungrateful - and I feel guilty then because I don’t want any of it. And angry that she can’t respect my wishes.

Luckily she wasn’t with us for Xmas this year- I was actually quite angry and upset by it all.

I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful when I keep asking her every year not to buy me stuff.

Aibu?

I have known people who have insisted that they don’t want any gifts just to complain that they haven’t been given anything and we should have known that they were being modest. Does your mum know that you actually don’t want a gift

Absolutely......so disrespectful and rude

Try to spin it positively......there will be SO many people who would love those gifts (charities eg) .....give the gifts away with a glad heart and a straight middle finger 🥰

Sorry but this sounds more like a you problem, you ‘inherited’ scarfs?
Surely this was more of a clearance job, put scarfs in bag drop off at charity shop?

Is she in the wrong? Yes.
Are your feelings valid? Yes.
Will i pt change? Probably not.

She's at least 70 based on your age so highly unlikely - at this age you just wont change her.

Put it on vinted for a few pounds just to get it out of the house or literally just put it in the bin.
I used to waste a lot of energy on this with a relative and i dont even know how but ive given it up to jesus and its incredibly liberating. I feel so much freer and dont have this negative stressful energy weighing me down.
We visited around mid dec and got the usual boxes (plural) of crap. I let my dd keep the only age appropriate things (1 book and 1 soft toy) everything else just went to the skip on the way home.

I get it OP.

It's not about the gifts it is about you not being listened to and that reminds you of when that has happened before, it probably takes you back to being 10.

I would not even open them. I would either give them to a charity shop or save them for next year and regift them back to her.

I would find this extremely upsetting and annoying too OP.

It's the toal disregard for your wishes and what you have asked that is hurtful. My family always totally disregarded me in everything, which is why I eventually went no contact them.

I also sympathise with the idea of gifting to charity instead of exchanging unwanted and unneeded items.

My mother didn't raise me and has severe mental illness.

She does exactly this. Buys me things she would like or thinks I should have. Has no idea who I am, what I like or dislike etc despite me telling her.

I am a size 8-10. She buys me size 14 clothes. I spend a lot of time giving brand new things to charity shops or selling on vinted. It's time consuming and unnecessary as I don't want any of it. I honestly think she does it to be unpleasant to me. She doesn't have a lot of money so it's very frustrating. I go through phases of not taking things from her but she always seems to give them to other family members who are less blunt with her.

Ask her for a voucher or money. Or ask for one more expensive item that would sell well. Sell it on Vinted and keep the cash

I think you are missing the point. The mother buys what the mother wants not what is asked for.

The mother only buys what the mother wants because op tells her to donate to charity.

If op asked for a new winter coat, or sent her a link for a new kettle, or said she'd love a John Lewis voucher, then everyone would be happy.

I don't know either of them, but mum isn't the only one exerting control imo. Being furious and upset because your mum bought you gifts is an odd response unless she's abusive and you're nc. OP is annoyed because she told her mum what to do and her mum had the temerity to ignore it. Probably because she wants to be a normal mum who buys nice things for her daughter at Christmas. As pp said, she's at least 70 and unlikely to change so why not make it work for both of you.

Is there an ongoing theme about not feeling heard?
It Is absolutely ok to feel however you feel, especially if it’s bringing something up that’s affected you in childhood. Your feelings are valid.

you can only put boundaries in for yourself though.

This would annoy me too. Is there anything at all you would enjoy as a gift that isn’t a charity donation? As it sounds like she’s not going to change and if you specifically asked for something you wanted you might find it all less infuriating.

I totally see your points, especially about your mum not respecting your wishes and buying for the person she wants you to be rather than who you actually are. I think as far as presents are concerned, I would change tack.
Not having a gift lift to guide her is part of the problem. Give her a list of things you would buy for yourself (or want to buy for yourself) throughout the year anyway - your favourite mascara, moisturiser, bubble bath etc - or the luxury versions that you wouldn’t normally spend that much on. Things that you use every day - could you do with a new set of towels, oven gloves, saucepans? Has your bedding seen better days, or your socks? Even things like coffee pods!

It’s a form of mental illness in a way or at least deeply rigid thinking, something I’m seeing more from my Dad who is elderly now and is buying things we have expressly asked him
not to buy. Despite the conversation he then goes onto some weird drive of needing to buy presents and then settles on ideas from the past. Ask for gift receipts

Op keep the new scarf and put all the inherited ones to charity shop.
Your mum obviously isn't comfortable with charity gifts so come up with voucher ideas of your own, spa day, restraunt vouchers then she has something to give to you that's non-clutter

I get it OP, my family have bought so much shite I've had to buy an extra suitcase to take it all home. We live in a really small house and space is a big problem. We all agreed just a token gift but I'm 3x Santa sacks in and loads of it is super random.

I inherited a load of stuff from an auntie who died- China, scarves, handbags - she was young when she died - am still going through the stuff.

This is a non issue that you are making into a mountain. Your mum is probably not going to change. One day you will lose her. Accept her warts and all and find a way to not be angered and upset by the behaviours you don't like. Give the unwanted gifts to a charity shop. Move on.

Yes you're ungrateful. She wants to buy you something. Let her. If you don't want them give them to a charity shop

I think you are being a bit ungrateful. You said this is the third year in a row. So you know she doesn't want to give to charity and that she does want to buy you a gift. So why not help her out and suggest something you do want rather than let her freestyle?

My parents insist on giving us actual gifts, so I've just got them trained these days. They know exactly which face creams and perfumes to buy and which beers for my husband.

There must be something you need, even if you are decluttering. Everyone needs socks or soaps or something you'd usually just buy as a natural matter of course. Get them to buy it instead and donate your own money to charity that you would have spent on the stuff yourself.

This is true, and even if you do haul it down there, they might not want it.

We have Anglo Doorstep Collections in our area. I book a collection date and put it out in black sacks or cardboard boxes before 8.00 a.m. on that day, at at some point it gets taken away.

OP, Google Anglo Doorstep Collections and see if the operate in your area, the website tells you clearly what they will and won't take.

The problem here does actually sound like you and your home. Your home sounds absolutely full of stuff, I couldn't cope with that. It's a normal thing in life to accept gifts at Christmas, and I couldn't imagine ever saying sorry don't get me a gift because my house is so full of crap that I need to sort. And if you've been saying this for 3 years, it seems like a problem that you're not sorting.

However, if you've asked for no gifts and she's ignored you, I'd either just refuse to take them off her when she handed them over, or tell her if she buys you any more gifts they are going straight to the charity shop with everything else.

But "angry, upset, disrespected"....this is all unnecessary.

She's your mama, she wants to give.

I have EXACTLY the same issue with my mother. I have realised that her love language is gifts and mine is acts of service so I let her get on with it and if I do find something I would like to be given then I send her a link. Consumable things like nice beauty/skincare products I know I'll enjoy and use up seem to work well for both of us.