Is it unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to occupy himself for periods of time?!

[Overwhelmed123]

My DS5 has never been good at occupying himself. Eg this morning he woke up, we had a cuddle and a chat, then I said I'm going to have a shower. He had a huge meltdown that he had noone to play with.
This isn't unusual.
If I say I want some time alone and he needs to occupy himself he'll just sit there hugging his teddy and stare at me. I normally put up with it, empathise and then firmly tell him he needs to give me some space to look after myself (which works)...but today I just felt too empty to listen to him cry over such a trivial need of mine.

I did train him to occupy himself for short periods of time and had words with him about accomodating other people's needs....and he got...okay...at it...but since school started he's reverted back to type...and this morning I just lost my tether as I haven't had a minute to myself for 10 days...
...I feel like this puts a lot of strain on me and DH ...
...is it normal at 5?

My absolute dream would be if we could have a couple of hours in the morning where I could shower, exercise and journal while he's in the same room pottering around with whatever he enjoys...and then we can convene and play together for the rest of the day...but at the moment it's such hard work to get even 10- 20 minutes 🙈

He doesn't like watching TV, and if I put an audiobook on he'll only listen to it if I'm with him, he doesn't like colouring or drawing or Lego either. Almost all the games he'll get into and actually focus on require interaction. He can focus for hours if he's not being asked to do something alone - eg played monopoly for 5 hours on holiday one day.

He loves cutting paper so if I had given him a pile before my shower it would have given me a few minutes respite but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask him to find something to do himself. Or he loves sorting numbers out so I could have given him some numbers to put in order - again though, the "lonely" feeling means he only focuses on something he enjoys, it I'm not there, for a few minutes. Its a problem in the classroom too...he's fine with 1:1 attention (the teacher takes it in turns to teach each child 1:1) but struggles to focus on something if the teacher isn't with him....which is the majority of the day! He just spends the whole time eavesdropping on the other 1:1 lessons.

It's really difficult for me to relate to him as I spent hours playing on my own as a child and would have been a bit flustered if I hadn't had that space!

I am sure it is not your parenting!!

Have tried this ..even with a game he's immersed in he completely breaks focus "nooo, I'll come with you" or "nooo, stay here"

It may well be. I remember being very clingy at around your DS's age, plus I'd had time in hospital around then. Learning to read started at 5 and I was fluent by 6. . .and it was as if someone had flicked a switch. Once I got started, I was voracious and my parents had their work cut out to keep me supplied with things to read, but it did the trick. DM had time to herself and I was much happier.

I remember my parents telling me off for reading too much instead of spending time with the family 🙈🤣

My eldest was an only for quite some time, but when he was 5 he would happily occupy himself for up to an hour, whereas I have a friend who had 3 close together who would always want her attention every waking hour and would not play amongst themselves until they were much older. My point is all children are different and some are needier than others, siblings or not.

My parents never said that. They were keen readers themselves, and couldn't have been more pleased that I was. I remember other people, especially the sort who delight in trotting out platitudes, saying that books weren't a substitute for friends. In fact, I found that there were times when they were better and as I got older, books helped me make friends, especially with people who'd had similar experiences growing up that I'd had. I hope that books and reading offer your little boy a route to a wider world as they did me.

@Overwhelmed123 Just how much are you regretting saying "... wish I could have a couple of hours..." seeing as so many have taken it super seriously?

Yeh quite a lot 😅🙈

My daughter is 7 and will play alone now, but wouldn't have done at 5 - so maybe your son will be the same? Thinking back I did have to be quite strict about getting her to play alone for short chunks and gradually build it up. I also have an only child

What happens about doing household tasks with him? Mine is one who quite happily played alone for a couple of hours at 4 or 5 but I've always done any household chore that can be done with her there. Early on that meant nap time was my me time. Later on it meant she got that interaction and involvement but it also accomplished household things, again freeing up more time for me to do what I want later at another time. Everything from washing up, emptying the dishwasher, sorting out laundry, cooking. The only things I wouldn't do with her there are things like oven cleaning because of the chemicals. They eventually get to the point where it's either really boring so they'll wander off and play on their own, or be able to do the task themselves!

With showering, DH worked long hours so I never waited for him to be home to go and shower. Initially made sure baby was changed and fed, then showered with the bouncy chair next to the cubicle. Now I go and shower but DD knows she can come in if necessary with a question. It's annoying when she does but I don't let on! It's always been a non-negotiable that I get a shower.

Hi there @Overwhelmed123 , I can't remembered where I read this, but it works for me whenever I have periods like what you describe: connect with him first of all, and then he'll be able to entertain himself. Find something that you both can do together for a little while and that make him feel good. Then let him to it while you go fetch something from another room/load the dishwasher/answer email/go to the loo. You do this incrementally and don't make "a thing" of it (don't tell him you need space, because he may feel insecure and then cling even more to you).
It's like you provide him with enough feel-good connection, and then you subtly train him to sit with it while you do other things.
I do think that at 5yo they still need to be with you while doing their things, they need to know you are seeing/listening to what the do. I mean that your child sounds normal to me 👍
Good luck: been there 😅

I don't know if it helped too but we are a low-screen use household too. DD had no screens until about two, then very limited time watching TV. No phone or tablet use until about age 8, and only limited then (never on her own). That seemed to help her build the skills to occupy herself.

I don't know, I was going to say no it's not reasonable for any serious length of time but I have a just turned five year old and she's happily playing in a different room with her toys whilst I'm finishing my lunch.
But if she hears me talking or I go and find her she will involve me in her game.
I definitely could take a shower but not for two hours. She'd watch the iPad if I let her for ages but she gets a bit miserable from too much iPad exposure. (it's happened when we all came down with Covid at the same time and she was the only one with any beans).
So I guess it's down to expectations expectations - she couldn't occupy herself for many hours, I have to facilitate crafts etc although she can draw by herself, she loves small world and role play though so that probably helps. Right now she is making a nest for her toy owl but I'm expecting her to come and get me to help her make it fly within the next 15 mins.
What sort of games does he like playing?

There seems to be a huge variation in this in my experience of children. My 4yo is great at entertaining himself and will colour, play imagination games or do sticker books etc for an hour or more at a time whereas my 6yo niece cannot occupy herself for a single second. She won’t play alone for a minute and is constantly asking people to play or do crafts with her. I can see how exhausting that is for her parents so you have my sympathies!

It sounds like you’ve done great work so far in teaching him skills for playing alone, hopefully with continued reinforcement he will get better at it.

This is pretty much exactly our situation too!

N the OPs defence for those of us with children this age they are lockdown babies. We had very limited options to socialise at young ages. DD spent the first six months of her life with just three other people (me, DH and her 11 year old brother) and she wasn't allowed to see anyone's faces when we started going out again (in fact I carried her in a 'me facing' sling so she just saw my own masked face) so their socialization was very much interrupted. Going to nursery etc may have helped her a bit but she is part of a large cohort in her school year who have extra sessions based on interaction etc because a lot of children missed out on early years socialization that other ages got as default.

This is probably your problem. He's only 5, so as far as he's concerned, he's never had to be alone his entire life. So on the rare occasion that you ask for it, he genuinely doesn't know what to do.

I'm afraid I don't really understand this parenting style... I have an acquaintance who is the same with her two DDs, who are about 6 and 8. They seem to lurch from adult-led activity to adult-led activity.

Myself growing up... My mum would maybe play a board game with me, or colour with me, or cook with me perhaps once a week. Something with a fixed end point.
My dad played with me maybe 3 or 4 times a year, if that.
The rest of the time, the unspoken expectation was that my sister and I entertained ourselves.

I have an addendum. DD came into the kitchen with her paint sticks to paint a large box she found. I didn't pay a lot of attention, she apologised that she got a spot of paint stick on her trousers but they are old and a bit too small so I wasn't massively worried.
Turns out she painted herself blue from hands to knees while I was mumsnetting.
So whilst she can quietly occupy herself for a while, I'm no longer sure I want her to