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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to occupy himself for periods of time?!

118 replies

Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:15

My DS5 has never been good at occupying himself. Eg this morning he woke up, we had a cuddle and a chat, then I said I'm going to have a shower. He had a huge meltdown that he had noone to play with.
This isn't unusual.
If I say I want some time alone and he needs to occupy himself he'll just sit there hugging his teddy and stare at me. I normally put up with it, empathise and then firmly tell him he needs to give me some space to look after myself (which works)...but today I just felt too empty to listen to him cry over such a trivial need of mine.

I did train him to occupy himself for short periods of time and had words with him about accomodating other people's needs....and he got...okay...at it...but since school started he's reverted back to type...and this morning I just lost my tether as I haven't had a minute to myself for 10 days...
...I feel like this puts a lot of strain on me and DH ...
...is it normal at 5?

My absolute dream would be if we could have a couple of hours in the morning where I could shower, exercise and journal while he's in the same room pottering around with whatever he enjoys...and then we can convene and play together for the rest of the day...but at the moment it's such hard work to get even 10- 20 minutes 🙈

He doesn't like watching TV, and if I put an audiobook on he'll only listen to it if I'm with him, he doesn't like colouring or drawing or Lego either. Almost all the games he'll get into and actually focus on require interaction. He can focus for hours if he's not being asked to do something alone - eg played monopoly for 5 hours on holiday one day.

He loves cutting paper so if I had given him a pile before my shower it would have given me a few minutes respite but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask him to find something to do himself. Or he loves sorting numbers out so I could have given him some numbers to put in order - again though, the "lonely" feeling means he only focuses on something he enjoys, it I'm not there, for a few minutes. Its a problem in the classroom too...he's fine with 1:1 attention (the teacher takes it in turns to teach each child 1:1) but struggles to focus on something if the teacher isn't with him....which is the majority of the day! He just spends the whole time eavesdropping on the other 1:1 lessons.

It's really difficult for me to relate to him as I spent hours playing on my own as a child and would have been a bit flustered if I hadn't had that space!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2024 20:21

And sounds harsh but let him sit there cuddling his teddy and go and do what you need to do

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:22

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2024 20:20

I was about for write this

Too many kids can't play alone as have never been left alone to play

Maybe I'm lucky but yes dd now 7 but from 18mths or so would happily play with toys alone for a while

Obv as got older she would play for longer

Can he read ? Dd loves reading and will often take her self off to playroom /bedroom and have a read to chill but I love reading and have read to her every day from Tiny

Show quote history

He's only just learning how to read (reception) but I do think/hope it'll be a turning point for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:23

Happyhappyday · 26/12/2024 19:59

YANBU to want time to yourself and definitely feels like he should be able to entertain himself for some time. My DC is just turned 6, only child and has pretty much been occupying themselves since they opened the first toy yesterday. Had to drag DC out of their room for meals because too busy playing. I realize my DC is kind of strange though!

I mean this was me! So I'm finding it really hard to relate to DC 😅🙈

OP posts:
Februarygirl · 26/12/2024 20:28

My 5 yo son could happily watch TV for hours, but otherwise can hardly occupy himself at all and needs constant attention, he even needs someone to go upstairs with him or to the toilet. He will play with his younger brother for a bit though.

If it's only me and him at home and I need to shower, he just comes in the bathroom with me.

We suspect he has ADHD and are trying to get help from the school with this. I would recommend you read up about it and see if your son fits the symptoms. But to warn you, it can be quite a battle. In my area a child can only go on the waiting list for an ND assessment if the referral comes through the school, but as my son is not disruptive at school the teachers don't see him as a problem.

LaplandProblems · 26/12/2024 20:29

My eldest was like this, even as a young toddler my friends would think it weird he insisted on sitting at the table in a high chair and joining in every conversation rather than playing or drawing.

The only toy he has ever really liked is board games.

Learning to read was a complete game changer and turned him from a very clingy toddler into a semi reclusive reading child.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/12/2024 20:31

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2024 20:21

And sounds harsh but let him sit there cuddling his teddy and go and do what you need to do

Well yes, I think you have to develop a level of comfort with his occasional unhappiness or distress OP to break the dynamic. Loving but firm with the emphasis on the firm. Neither of mine were as you describe and it would have absolutely done my head in of they were. I NEVER did the unbroken hours and hours of endless playing and interaction, from the get go I carved out periods of time where I was doing something else, either housework or showering, reading, talking on the phone, taking my turn watching a programme on the television, etc. You run your household, not your child..

MrsSunshine2b · 26/12/2024 20:32

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2024 20:20

I was about for write this

Too many kids can't play alone as have never been left alone to play

Maybe I'm lucky but yes dd now 7 but from 18mths or so would happily play with toys alone for a while

Obv as got older she would play for longer

Can he read ? Dd loves reading and will often take her self off to playroom /bedroom and have a read to chill but I love reading and have read to her every day from Tiny

Show quote history

DD 4 will do short stretches depending on where she is. I guess it is partly expectation as I have noticed at her grandparents house she requires constant attention from every adult in the room at all times, to the point it's hard to have a conversation. We've just been there to visit and I told her that we're not going to watch Wallace and Gromit tonight as we're both too tired after she made herself the centre of attention for 3 solid hours and none of us had a moment to catch up with my parents. She is not like that at home.

Rosebyanothername19 · 26/12/2024 20:36

My DC isn't great at playing by themselves for very long at all and much prefers doing something with us. Even watching TV, they want us to sit with them.

However... If I ask them to go and get dressed then I can go into their room a good half hour later to find them still in PJ's and playing with something, or making something etc. I ask them again to get dressed and it's at least half an hour before they are actually dressed!

So basically, give him a job that is fairly boring to do and he might happily procrastinate for ages and you can get stuff done!

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:36

Februarygirl · 26/12/2024 20:28

My 5 yo son could happily watch TV for hours, but otherwise can hardly occupy himself at all and needs constant attention, he even needs someone to go upstairs with him or to the toilet. He will play with his younger brother for a bit though.

If it's only me and him at home and I need to shower, he just comes in the bathroom with me.

We suspect he has ADHD and are trying to get help from the school with this. I would recommend you read up about it and see if your son fits the symptoms. But to warn you, it can be quite a battle. In my area a child can only go on the waiting list for an ND assessment if the referral comes through the school, but as my son is not disruptive at school the teachers don't see him as a problem.

Yeh the school have currently asked re our parenting more than suspecting ADHD etc and how much we've tried to get him to play independently...but he's very new there...also they're a small village school not that clued up on Sen so we may have a bit of a battle both ends

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:37

LaplandProblems · 26/12/2024 20:29

My eldest was like this, even as a young toddler my friends would think it weird he insisted on sitting at the table in a high chair and joining in every conversation rather than playing or drawing.

The only toy he has ever really liked is board games.

Learning to read was a complete game changer and turned him from a very clingy toddler into a semi reclusive reading child.

This describes my son exactly! Re sitting with the adults...even if his friends are there too
Not much interest in toys up to now, bought him his first board game at Christmas and he's played it for about 8 hours already!

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 26/12/2024 20:37

I came to say, surely he can play in the same room as you, but saw he doesn't

Sorry, op, that sounds stressful - understand feeling overstimulated and just needing a 'mummy minute' x

VivaVivaa · 26/12/2024 20:38

DS1 sounds very similar. Demands intense focus and interaction all day and can’t cope with being left on his own, shy of maybe 15 minutes in front of the TV. Also struggles with children his own age. Very verbal and emotionally sensitive. Views requests to play independently as a threat.

DS2 is only a toddler but already will happily potter around the room entertaining himself without me needing to be constantly interacting with him. DS1 has never been like this. He needed constant interaction from being a tiny baby.

DS1 is neurodiverse (autism diagnosed, awaiting ADHD assessment next year). Early days but I have no reason to suspect DS2 is anything but neurotypical.

My experience is, most 5 year olds prefer to play with someone else, but most will entertain themselves for a brief spell begrudgingly. The ones who absolutely cannot are the ones who maybe need a closer eye on development more generally.

MiniPumpkin · 26/12/2024 20:38

Op I know you said there’s not much interest in tv/ipad, but have you tried the YouTube videos of parents and children ‘unboxing’ toys ?

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:39

theleafandnotthetree · 26/12/2024 20:31

Well yes, I think you have to develop a level of comfort with his occasional unhappiness or distress OP to break the dynamic. Loving but firm with the emphasis on the firm. Neither of mine were as you describe and it would have absolutely done my head in of they were. I NEVER did the unbroken hours and hours of endless playing and interaction, from the get go I carved out periods of time where I was doing something else, either housework or showering, reading, talking on the phone, taking my turn watching a programme on the television, etc. You run your household, not your child..

Show quote history

Thank you, needed that. I have had periods of being very firm and running the household but we're just back from a holiday so all out of routine and energy to be firm 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:42

Rosebyanothername19 · 26/12/2024 20:36

My DC isn't great at playing by themselves for very long at all and much prefers doing something with us. Even watching TV, they want us to sit with them.

However... If I ask them to go and get dressed then I can go into their room a good half hour later to find them still in PJ's and playing with something, or making something etc. I ask them again to get dressed and it's at least half an hour before they are actually dressed!

So basically, give him a job that is fairly boring to do and he might happily procrastinate for ages and you can get stuff done!

Omg that's a great idea! He takes an infuriatingly long time to get dressed but I could totally be using that to my advantage!
That reminds me...that's exactly what I do when he's back from school...after bath he puts his PJ's on and takes so long I get a batch of housework done. I think I have just forgotten all my tricks in the hols 🙈

OP posts:
KittyPup · 26/12/2024 20:42

We can only achieve a couple of hours if he has access to the tv as he pleases. If we say he can watch 30/45 mins and then he has to play, then he’s bothering us straight away. He likes being able to watch 10 minutes and then he goes off and plays for a bit and then goes back to it. Then back to his toys again for another play. In reality, he won’t watch that much more tv, he just wants likes pottering about knowing that nobody will turn it off if he’s paused it - which in turn means he’s less glued to the sofa as he knows he can go back. Our change in mindset and trying to control his time means that everyone is more relaxed and we get to things we enjoy too.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:43

VivaVivaa · 26/12/2024 20:38

DS1 sounds very similar. Demands intense focus and interaction all day and can’t cope with being left on his own, shy of maybe 15 minutes in front of the TV. Also struggles with children his own age. Very verbal and emotionally sensitive. Views requests to play independently as a threat.

DS2 is only a toddler but already will happily potter around the room entertaining himself without me needing to be constantly interacting with him. DS1 has never been like this. He needed constant interaction from being a tiny baby.

DS1 is neurodiverse (autism diagnosed, awaiting ADHD assessment next year). Early days but I have no reason to suspect DS2 is anything but neurotypical.

My experience is, most 5 year olds prefer to play with someone else, but most will entertain themselves for a brief spell begrudgingly. The ones who absolutely cannot are the ones who maybe need a closer eye on development more generally.

Mine sounds like DS1, even as a baby

OP posts:
MumonabikeE5 · 26/12/2024 20:43

A couple of hours each morning to shower exercise and journal.
wow.
not saying I wouldn’t like this myself, but I haven’t achieve this at all. Only now my son is 10 would i have that, except I have a younger child who chats endlessly.

and says they feel lonely if I don’t spend my time with her.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:44

Oh I haven't come across those....but even with (any) TV, if I leave the room or focus on something else he gets all upset. I need to regain my firmness I had during the summer hols/school term.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 20:45

MumonabikeE5 · 26/12/2024 20:43

A couple of hours each morning to shower exercise and journal.
wow.
not saying I wouldn’t like this myself, but I haven’t achieve this at all. Only now my son is 10 would i have that, except I have a younger child who chats endlessly.

and says they feel lonely if I don’t spend my time with her.

That's the dream, but I'd go for 10-20 mins shower right now

OP posts:
GretchenWienersHair · 26/12/2024 20:47

I empathise, OP. DD was like this at that age and, unbeknownst to her, it used to drive me insane. Now she’s a teenager who rarely wants to speak to me for more than 5 minutes at a time and I miss that 5-year-old shadow I had!

Ponderingwindow · 26/12/2024 20:47

I struggled to get 10 minutes when dd was 5. She was diagnosed ASD when she was 9, so our experiences don’t always match average development.

RegulatorsMountUp · 26/12/2024 20:48

Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:15

My DS5 has never been good at occupying himself. Eg this morning he woke up, we had a cuddle and a chat, then I said I'm going to have a shower. He had a huge meltdown that he had noone to play with.
This isn't unusual.
If I say I want some time alone and he needs to occupy himself he'll just sit there hugging his teddy and stare at me. I normally put up with it, empathise and then firmly tell him he needs to give me some space to look after myself (which works)...but today I just felt too empty to listen to him cry over such a trivial need of mine.

I did train him to occupy himself for short periods of time and had words with him about accomodating other people's needs....and he got...okay...at it...but since school started he's reverted back to type...and this morning I just lost my tether as I haven't had a minute to myself for 10 days...
...I feel like this puts a lot of strain on me and DH ...
...is it normal at 5?

My absolute dream would be if we could have a couple of hours in the morning where I could shower, exercise and journal while he's in the same room pottering around with whatever he enjoys...and then we can convene and play together for the rest of the day...but at the moment it's such hard work to get even 10- 20 minutes 🙈

He doesn't like watching TV, and if I put an audiobook on he'll only listen to it if I'm with him, he doesn't like colouring or drawing or Lego either. Almost all the games he'll get into and actually focus on require interaction. He can focus for hours if he's not being asked to do something alone - eg played monopoly for 5 hours on holiday one day.

He loves cutting paper so if I had given him a pile before my shower it would have given me a few minutes respite but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask him to find something to do himself. Or he loves sorting numbers out so I could have given him some numbers to put in order - again though, the "lonely" feeling means he only focuses on something he enjoys, it I'm not there, for a few minutes. Its a problem in the classroom too...he's fine with 1:1 attention (the teacher takes it in turns to teach each child 1:1) but struggles to focus on something if the teacher isn't with him....which is the majority of the day! He just spends the whole time eavesdropping on the other 1:1 lessons.

It's really difficult for me to relate to him as I spent hours playing on my own as a child and would have been a bit flustered if I hadn't had that space!

He needs an ipad with games etc.

doodleschnoodle · 26/12/2024 20:52

Have you tried doing pockets of play? So set him up with something, join in for a couple of minutes then say 'I've got to do X, I'll be back in a minute'. Leave for a minute, come back and join in again for another minute or so, then repeat. Over time extend how long you're away, but always come back and check in, colour in something, help stick something on.

DD1 is pretty good at entertaining herself but when I've got stuff to do and she's in a 'play with me' mood, I find that doing short bursts of play like this interspersed with other stuff works quite well. She's happier to let me go so what I want when I've spent 2 mins colouring something in with her first, and she knows I'll return to carry on shortly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2024 20:52

Does he like matching /puzzle games ?

Dd loves

match tiles
slime making
Solitaire
Polar match

All games on iPad /phone