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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to occupy himself for periods of time?!

118 replies

Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:15

My DS5 has never been good at occupying himself. Eg this morning he woke up, we had a cuddle and a chat, then I said I'm going to have a shower. He had a huge meltdown that he had noone to play with.
This isn't unusual.
If I say I want some time alone and he needs to occupy himself he'll just sit there hugging his teddy and stare at me. I normally put up with it, empathise and then firmly tell him he needs to give me some space to look after myself (which works)...but today I just felt too empty to listen to him cry over such a trivial need of mine.

I did train him to occupy himself for short periods of time and had words with him about accomodating other people's needs....and he got...okay...at it...but since school started he's reverted back to type...and this morning I just lost my tether as I haven't had a minute to myself for 10 days...
...I feel like this puts a lot of strain on me and DH ...
...is it normal at 5?

My absolute dream would be if we could have a couple of hours in the morning where I could shower, exercise and journal while he's in the same room pottering around with whatever he enjoys...and then we can convene and play together for the rest of the day...but at the moment it's such hard work to get even 10- 20 minutes 🙈

He doesn't like watching TV, and if I put an audiobook on he'll only listen to it if I'm with him, he doesn't like colouring or drawing or Lego either. Almost all the games he'll get into and actually focus on require interaction. He can focus for hours if he's not being asked to do something alone - eg played monopoly for 5 hours on holiday one day.

He loves cutting paper so if I had given him a pile before my shower it would have given me a few minutes respite but I don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask him to find something to do himself. Or he loves sorting numbers out so I could have given him some numbers to put in order - again though, the "lonely" feeling means he only focuses on something he enjoys, it I'm not there, for a few minutes. Its a problem in the classroom too...he's fine with 1:1 attention (the teacher takes it in turns to teach each child 1:1) but struggles to focus on something if the teacher isn't with him....which is the majority of the day! He just spends the whole time eavesdropping on the other 1:1 lessons.

It's really difficult for me to relate to him as I spent hours playing on my own as a child and would have been a bit flustered if I hadn't had that space!

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:18

Where’s your dh in all this?

feel very sorry for your dc tbh

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:19

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:18

Where’s your dh in all this?

feel very sorry for your dc tbh

He was out on a walk. Can you explain why you feel sorry for DC? We've tailored our lives so that he's hardly ever having to play alone...eg we cook before he wakes up or with him on a chair helping, we have a cleaner, I wake up 2 hours before him so that I get some time alone (our shower is really loud so that's the one thing I can't do before he wakes up) but we see other people's kids are able to occupy themselves colouring or playing Lego or whatever while their parents cook/clean ...

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:19

Why didn’t he take you dc? Then you could have had some time to yourself?

momofonex · 26/12/2024 19:20

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:18

Where’s your dh in all this?

feel very sorry for your dc tbh

God forbid a mother wants to shower and self-care whilst a school aged child plays with their toys for an hour or two in the morning Hmm

Jingleberryalltheway · 26/12/2024 19:21

2 hours in unrealistic.

DD1 was terrible at occupying herself at that age but DD2 can easily occupy herself but likes to be doing things in the same room as another person.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:22

Jingleberryalltheway · 26/12/2024 19:21

2 hours in unrealistic.

DD1 was terrible at occupying herself at that age but DD2 can easily occupy herself but likes to be doing things in the same room as another person.

I know, that's what my dream would be...but I feel like 10- 20 mins for a shower should be doable

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:23

@momofonex For 2 hours when their dc is 5??
They also have dh who clearly is useless as op said they haven’t had a break for 10days

UnbeatenMum · 26/12/2024 19:23

My 5yo finds this difficult and I and DH have to tag team. Often he will play independently for a little while with something we have set up with him but we have to be there and give him a decent amount of input first. He does have autism though, and no close in age siblings, I'm not sure what you would expect from a neurotypical 5 year old.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:23

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:19

Why didn’t he take you dc? Then you could have had some time to yourself?

He left before DC woke up.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 26/12/2024 19:24

Generally speaking yes, at 5 I would expect a child to be able to occupy themselves for a period of time.

My step son couldn’t at 5, some of the behaviours you describe are very familiar to me. He’s now being assessed for ADHD a few years later.

We’ve found that giving very clear set tasks is helpful to him, he doesn’t enjoy free play in any capacity and prefers things with a clear end point and outcome.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:24

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:23

@momofonex For 2 hours when their dc is 5??
They also have dh who clearly is useless as op said they haven’t had a break for 10days

Can I be clear 2 hours would be my dream but I feel like 10-20 minutes is a reasonable ask for now.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 26/12/2024 19:24

Apologies if I've missed it but is he an only child? I have an only child who is 5 and while we get some stretches of him playing by himself and he's quite self-contained, he think he wants my/our attention more than he would if he had a sibling.

SelkieSeal · 26/12/2024 19:25

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:18

Where’s your dh in all this?

feel very sorry for your dc tbh

No need to be a sanctimonious snark, is there?

OP I sympathise, some DC are like this and it's very draining! You just need to persist in actively teaching him to occupy himself. It's a skill that comes more easily to some children than others. Could you try using a timer so he doesn't feel lost and that it's endless? You need to build on his existing skills/skill level so start with a short manageable time and an activity he loves to give the best chance of success.

Look up forward and backward chaining too. It's the approach I've had to use with my SEN child to teach them basically all independent skills and it's been really helpful to use it as a framework.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:25

momofonex · 26/12/2024 19:20

God forbid a mother wants to shower and self-care whilst a school aged child plays with their toys for an hour or two in the morning Hmm

Show quote history

Hahaha! Yes this is how I feel

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:25

Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:19

He was out on a walk. Can you explain why you feel sorry for DC? We've tailored our lives so that he's hardly ever having to play alone...eg we cook before he wakes up or with him on a chair helping, we have a cleaner, I wake up 2 hours before him so that I get some time alone (our shower is really loud so that's the one thing I can't do before he wakes up) but we see other people's kids are able to occupy themselves colouring or playing Lego or whatever while their parents cook/clean ...

Edited
Show quote history

I feel sorry your dc because you’ve made him sound like an inconvenience when he’s 5 years old

and I feel sorry for you that your dh goes off on walks knowing you’re struggling without a break rather than wait for your dc to wake up and give you some space

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:26

UnbeatenMum · 26/12/2024 19:23

My 5yo finds this difficult and I and DH have to tag team. Often he will play independently for a little while with something we have set up with him but we have to be there and give him a decent amount of input first. He does have autism though, and no close in age siblings, I'm not sure what you would expect from a neurotypical 5 year old.

We are suspecting autism as it's been brought up to us at nursery and school (the "need" for constant adult attention that is) and nothing we've done to help seems to have changed things. He also struggles to make friends his own age.

OP posts:
SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 26/12/2024 19:27

Surely tv and tablets were invented so parents so could shower? You have an only child, so no playmate. Lots of young kids don't like being alone. I say that as someone who was a rather solitary child and could play or read for ages by myself, but most aren't.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:27

SemperIdem · 26/12/2024 19:24

Generally speaking yes, at 5 I would expect a child to be able to occupy themselves for a period of time.

My step son couldn’t at 5, some of the behaviours you describe are very familiar to me. He’s now being assessed for ADHD a few years later.

We’ve found that giving very clear set tasks is helpful to him, he doesn’t enjoy free play in any capacity and prefers things with a clear end point and outcome.

That sounds really accurate to my son. You've reminded me - if I'd given him a list of things to do he would have been much happier. Thank you.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 26/12/2024 19:28

All of mine could entertain themselves for ages at this age. My 6yo has played all afternoon by herself, I watched a movie and had a nap. She will sit to hours with crafts like bracelet making and diamond art. She is a 3rd child but even my older 2 were like it. You need to start stepping back and not physically involving yourself with his play. Sit on the sofa and watch, nip off and do a job etc.

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:29

SelkieSeal · 26/12/2024 19:25

No need to be a sanctimonious snark, is there?

OP I sympathise, some DC are like this and it's very draining! You just need to persist in actively teaching him to occupy himself. It's a skill that comes more easily to some children than others. Could you try using a timer so he doesn't feel lost and that it's endless? You need to build on his existing skills/skill level so start with a short manageable time and an activity he loves to give the best chance of success.

Look up forward and backward chaining too. It's the approach I've had to use with my SEN child to teach them basically all independent skills and it's been really helpful to use it as a framework.

Show quote history

Thank you, this is really helpful. I'll look that up. As much as nursery and school have brought this to our attention I've been stabbing in the dark with how to actually help

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:29

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 26/12/2024 19:27

Surely tv and tablets were invented so parents so could shower? You have an only child, so no playmate. Lots of young kids don't like being alone. I say that as someone who was a rather solitary child and could play or read for ages by myself, but most aren't.

He doesn't like watching TV, gets bored within 5 mins

OP posts:
Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:31

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:25

I feel sorry your dc because you’ve made him sound like an inconvenience when he’s 5 years old

and I feel sorry for you that your dh goes off on walks knowing you’re struggling without a break rather than wait for your dc to wake up and give you some space

Show quote history

He's far from an inconvenience and I love spending time with him, I just needed a break today.
And I'm worried also as his teachers don't seem to know how to help him when he's not in a 1:1 lesson

OP posts:
brummumma · 26/12/2024 19:32

We've tailored our lives so that he's hardly ever having to play alone..

Well this was a huge mistake

No child needs their parent to tailor their lives to this extreme

You've made a rod for your own back here and if no sibling is on the cards you should have been teaching him resilience and ability to play alone before now?

Original poster
Overwhelmed123 · 26/12/2024 19:32

Stressfordays · 26/12/2024 19:28

All of mine could entertain themselves for ages at this age. My 6yo has played all afternoon by herself, I watched a movie and had a nap. She will sit to hours with crafts like bracelet making and diamond art. She is a 3rd child but even my older 2 were like it. You need to start stepping back and not physically involving yourself with his play. Sit on the sofa and watch, nip off and do a job etc.

Yeh thats what I was like at that age. We've tried really hard not to involve ourselves in his play all the time but the moment he realises we're not actively joining in he'll change the game so we are or stop playing etc.

OP posts:
ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 26/12/2024 19:33

Runningoutofthyme · 26/12/2024 19:18

Where’s your dh in all this?

feel very sorry for your dc tbh

Oh don’t be silly.

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