To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

I don’t think kids need as many toys as the marketers would like us to believe (they do need some, obviously). My 5 year old loves little hot wheels cars- but he isn’t bothered with the toy garage- he just zooms them over boxes and sofas and mountains made out of cushions etc. He loves Magnatiles and blocks, but then likes to add to these with string and cardboard and other random things he finds in the house. He does love dressing up, so a few dressing up type things could be good? Loves his sand pit and kinetic sand inside. And his marble run. I agree that a small number of pretty open ended toys is the way to go.

He sounds maybe more like at the jumping up and down on the sofa cushions, emptying the cupboards stage than sit down and play with the toys stage. Sink play or bath play are great for emptying and filling. Emptying and filling the sock drawer was one of dds favourite occupations for a while. I have a photo of her somewhere standing proudly beside the closed loo seat which has a neat tower of toiletries stacked up on it. She just liked real life things better for a while. Although empty cardboard boxes were always very appreciated.

You have to teach a child how to play to a certain extent- say with a train set, who's catching a train- where are they going? Is the train late, has it broken down, which trains fastest? Build a story. If you're no good at playing it's not surprising that he doesn't know how either

Emptying things out on the floor (and putting them away again!) can be a type of playing! If you're not a a vroom-vroom-driving-the-car-around sort (which it sounds like you're not, and which is ok!). There are different ways to play: sorting the cars into colours, counting them, etc, as well as racing them of course!

Maybe try arts and crafts, play doh that sort of thing.

you seem to be only offering traditional ‘boys toys’.

OP, kids are all different in how they like to play, and it will evolve as they go through different stages. Climbing and active outdoor play is great, but kids do need to be able to play in more contained ways, and they need to do that alone, with adults, and with peers (preschool has the last one covered). But just like adults they won’t all like the same things. Keep trying different things. And I understand struggling with play as an adult - I enjoy most types but make-believe play was not my thing as a kid and I struggle with it now. Fortunately it’s ok to do 10 minutes of child-led play (devices down, give them your full attention and let them take charge as long as it’s safe and not grossly damaging), you don’t need to commit to entertaining your child like that for hours at a stretch. Around that age they often like to play conductor and tell parents what to be and what to do, and we inevitably get it wrong and they get to correct us. Go with it, this is normal and healthy. Sometimes I just go with the new instruction and sometimes I pretend to wildly misunderstand and do something extremely silly.

Dumping things out can be a sign of frustration, but it’s also an important part of child play. Lean into it. Get him containers with small items that he can sort and make patterns with, or just dump from one container to another. You can control the chaos by making sure he has a defined area (a rug is easy) and only giving him a few small containers at a time. At 4 he is undoubtedly well practiced at cleaning up his play, so mimic school rules where he has to put the things he was playing with away before moving on to the next thing. Let toys be used for whatever purpose he can dream up as long as it’s safe, and take cues from what he’s doing. If he’s hammering with something that will break, find something he can hammer with. Find him a variety of floor cushions and poufs he can sit and lay on and stack. Look for age-appropriate science experiments. If he likes to knock things down find big blocks.

I have a sibling who emptied things out all the time. They are autistic. Also no interest in toys at all.

That on it’s own isn’t a sign though I don’t think…sibling didn’t talk, or like touch, for example. Emptied out food in kitchen, was very destructive in that respect.

BUT I wouldn’t be worried if your child doesn’t tick the other boxes.

I wonder if you’ve got expectations around what play is & how they should play?

Had older family who very well it has to be done like this and were very prescriptive - and the kids would lose interest and do something else - often felt like the toys were an excuse for the adults to play.

Fewer toys out and embrace the empty and cater for that - baskets/trolleys bags - big containers - sand/water play. Plus if they have access to toys at groups/nursery and are occupied at home with other activities I'd worry less

What about one of those play car mats that he can put the cars on?

www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/toys/construction-and-cars/car-toys/garages/play-city-rug-playmat/p/167876

This IKEA tunnel was a favourite of DS at that age. He used to crawl through it, sit in it, chuck balls and race cars through it.
The cat thought it was hers too and would play in it after he went to bed.
We also used to build towers with the blocks and knock them down again, or build cities and let the remote control robot attack them. 😂 Mine didn't do tea parties either.

An ice cream van seems a bit young for many four year olds.

what would be considered a "decent toy" to you, then, and why?

I think you are equating play with imaginative play, but there are lots of ways of playing that he might enjoy more and that you might find easier to do together- sorting and measuring toys (shapes, sand, water etc), board games, building, creative activities such as drawing and clay- for children all of these are types of play.

Maybe try some Orchard Games? My kids always loved these and something structured might be easier for you if you don’t like imaginative play so much. Children benefit from all types of play but they don’t need to do them all with you (especially if they go to nursery where they will encounter all kinds) so lean into the sorts you both like and don’t worry too much about the rest.

Re the mess- sounds like a source of anxiety for you. You can turn tidying up into part of the game but again it does need some engagement.

Finally, posting this article about hating imaginative play as it always makes me laugh

www.thetimes.com/article/c5ce1577-f015-4a7a-a9fe-e023abcfe359?shareToken=27b0df9ac96af1494df57130f4a626da

DS also like a truck which held multiple cars inside it - he push that along and get cars in and out - DN likes toys he can carry round as well.

To answer your original question, you probably need less toys, but you can't get rid of all of them.
Depending what he has, you could get rid of half or two thirds, either bin if broken or key bits lost, or donate if complete and unbroken, or put away into storage if you think he may "grow into" the toy.

You have to manage outgrown toys in the same way as you manage outgrown clothes - you have to constantly be on top of it. Have a "donations" bag on the go all the time, e.g. at the bottom of your wardrobe - just put things in there whenever, donate when the bag is full and start a new bag immediately.

It is not good enough to say you just "forget" to rotate toys that you have put away. Would you "forget" to do their laundry or change their sheets? Put a reminder in your phone for a fortnights time to rotate stuff, and make it part of your routine.

Thank you.

The funny thing is I was very imaginative as a child and I had lots of intricate stories with dolls and animals and the like but I didn’t play with my parents in my memory anyway (they were great but just didn’t ’play.’)

He isn’t a crafty child at all. Just isn’t interested.

I will keep trying. It’s marked how different he is from my second: she does actually play.

If he likes emptying things and is semi interested in trucks I'd start of with that.
My little boy likes to tip out all his small metal cars, and then use a bigger bulldozer to lift them into a tipper truck and empty them out of that. Over and over. Might be an easy starting point for you to play with him?

I think it can help some parents to learn more about play in early development. The play schemas used in Montessori education can be a really useful approach to breaking play down, and it actually helps explain some more frustrating or baffling behaviors like knocking things over, pulling all the books off the shelf, stuffing objects in weird locations, etc.

Your 4 year old is moving past toddler stage but this is still good starter read to understand the foundation of play, and there are more guides on the site. It also helpfully doesn’t focus on the idea that you need to buy a billion plastic toys.
https://www.onehundredtoys.com/understanding-schema-play-in-toddlers/

I think that emptying toys everywhere is possibly him playing?

@EuclidianGeometryFan that was really bossy. No, I wouldn’t forget to do their laundry but it’s not the same thing. If I put the laundry in a different building to the house I probably would to be honest. Toy rotation is just a source of stress for me that to be frank I could do without.

My DGS doesn't really play with toys, he loves books and will spend a lot of time reading. Even when he was unable to read he looked at pictures in a book for ages.

He will also jump up and down and any game that involves jumping is fair game.

He will literally empty a drawer then walk away though, so I think it’s boredom and looking for something to do rather than anything else.

Do you ever sit down and play with him? With something like a toy kitchen there is so much scope for language development, talking about the food, where it comes from, how it “tastes”, what you are going to cook, who will be “eating” , using the language of cooking, stirring, chopping, choosing, mixing, boiling frying etc.

The same with a toy train set, or cars, so much prepositional land descriptive language , in front, beside, behind, next to, overtaking, etc. the big red car, the fast car, the little engine etc.

it is a bit unreasonable to expect young children to understand what they can do with toys,and certainly unreasonable to expect them to understand how much language development small world toys have the potential to give.

My eldest DS (now 25!) was the same, I bought him a 3 step stepladder in the end and he spent months climbing up and down it - he’s a scaffolder now 😄

amzn.eu/d/dzcvZsD

This is really worth reading. It made me look differently at play and I try to incorporate it a lot more now, and it's made quite a difference.