To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

Probably the best advice TBH.

The house or mess in the house seems to be the issue.

We had two ELC Build It Construction Set like large Meccano for pre schoolers - they loved it but it often got scattered - years after even a decade after we got rid of it (gave it to the school nursery) we'd find a stray nut or bolt we just shrug and get rid - they loved playing with it though.

Outdoor toys could also be a good idea if you have a garden.

He seem to be enjoying more physical play - while seems eldest was perhaps a very different type of child maybe a more sit still one. Chances are with age he'll calm down or find other outlets - DS used to be extremely boisterous especially in early school years - lot of walks and outdoor play but he grew older and calmer.

I know the point is moot because you have binned the ice-cream set that someone spent a lot of time and money on but do you not play with him one of you being the ice-cream server the other the customer? What flavour would you like? He answers, you build the ice-cream ask if wants toppings add them etc then swap roles. When my DC were that young we would then start asking for ridiculous flavours, outrageous orders etc.
Likewise the wooden train track you need to help him build a layout, chug the trains around and have Thomas the tank engine style adventures.

I guess he is OK playing at preschool because the staff and other kids are engaging with him not just expecting him amuse himself.

We had the same thing & eventually gave up trying to get him interested in toys - we tried playmobil, train set, scalextric, hot wheels, Lego, jigsaws, play doh etc.

We found only things he was interested in were football related (goals, pump, gloves, kit), micro scooter, trampoline.

We never got rid of toys but stopped getting more. We used to ask for things like annual pass to places, footie stuff. Then basically just had to go out a lot to keep him entertained. He wouldn't watch TV either - wasn't interested in anything other toddler boys like. I'm still recovering!

I was being sarcastic.

What OP needs to do is actually give her son undivided attention and play with him, and stop the little bits getting lost.

Toys don't walk away. They don't "get lost" all by themselves. The adult should be responsible for keeping track during the play session, retrieving anything knocked or kicked away, and making sure all bits are put away after.

OP - Perhaps keep the toys with small bits out of DC reach - but you the parent has to be engaged enough to actively suggest getting them down to play with, not leave them forever untouched on a high shelf.

It's not a bad plan even if you think you were being unnecessarily nasty to a struggling mother asking for support and advice.

She already plays with the child sometimes- who doesn't seem bothered - plus some kids like DD1 really don't enjoy adults playing with them- kids differ. I remember at one group someone rushing over to play with my "ignored child" while I nurse a baby the utter disgust DD1 managed to convey to the woman was comical.

Telling someone not to be bother about something upsetting them - ie mess does help or change anything but adds more pressure.

This is a source of stress for OP - so reduce it - have less toys or big movement toys or outside toys and be out the house more - somewhere with space for this boy who clearly enjoys more physical play than OP used to ie avoid the trigger.

I used to find we had better day when we were out in the morning as it ran the energy of the kids - DS in particular - and we then have a quieter more manageable afternoon - so when groups weren't on this time of year we'd spend more time in parks or garden or soft play places so they still got out and I didn't feel I was always tidying and worried about house getting trashed.

OP have three kids and they were wildly different in play you just need to find ways to adjust to who they are.

OP - Perhaps keep the toys with small bits out of DC reach - but you the parent has to be engaged enough to actively suggest getting them down to play with, not leave them forever untouched on a high shelf.

Look for a playmat with a lip/edge that will contain the pieces, there are draw string ones that will scoop up all the little bits for instant tidying.

Toy Storage Bag,Children Play Mat,Large Tidy Bag, Foldable Baby Kids Rug, Portable Child Toys Organizer, Drawstring Bag 60 inch(150cm) https://amzn.eu/d/1AAyyTR

@trivialMorning The OP has argued back at every piece of advice given on this thread. I don't think they want to change their own behaviour, they just want permission to get rid of the toys.

Toys filling three 30x30x30 cm baskets, one little wicker basket the size of a soup bowl, four teddies with a few clothes, a doll's house the size of a shoebox, a handful of peg people and plastic animals and some sand and play dough, is not a lot of toys.

Knowing a lot of similarly aged children, it definitely is a low number of toys. I think you'd have to stretch back to the Edwardian era, when a spinning top in your Christmas stocking would have been the height of luxury for a child, to consider this "loads".

Regardless, I get the feeling OP's child has a lot more toys than this and my experience is that's what leads to kids dumping and not knowing how to play. I'd bet that simplifying his toys, as well as focussing on the physical play that he prefers, would help the situation.

I'm guessing if you had kids that they don't speak to you anymore considering how Draconian and out if touch you sound.

You're only in it to 'teach him a lesson' and punish someone smaller than you, bet you would relish the opportunity to crow.

You've clearly got no insight into child development/behaviour or even an ability to read a thread with any kind of comprehensive skill.

OPs child is wired to need a certain kind of toy, and play in a certain way. Obviously open ended play/imaginative play doesn't do it for them. For some kids it just doesn't. They might need a toy which 'does something' or a game/activity with clear outcomes.

Okay so I hate the jump to ND that three quarters of mumsnet claims they/their children have.

But I think your kid might be. Just a little. He sounds a lot like a friend's DD. Clever, advanced. But, unable to engage in imaginative play. She needs a toy that does something, she can't make up a game around it. It's a little problematic for her at school as she understands games like It, ball games etc but can't wear there's some kind of elaborate pretend element as she can't feed into it.

We've always known she's ND, never looked for a diagnosis and she happily makes her way in the world. It's affected her friendship groups a little (not many girl friends) but she's got a solid core group now.

Even if you don't think your son is ND, maybe its worth reading around ND and play to gain any insights?

@EuclidianGeometryFan

What OP needs to do is actually give her son undivided attention and play with him, and stop the little bits getting lost

We tried this but DS had no interest in 'playing' with toys & it made no difference whatsoever. He would however enjoy it if we played football with him. Some children really aren't fussed about toys. I have a DD who would sit for ages from a very young age playing imaginary games with soft toys, Happyland, Playmobil, toy farm, Sylvanians. This held no interest whatsoever for DS & we had to go out & about.

Besides which adult has the inclination to sit doing imaginary play with a pre-schooler? Surely that is why toddler groups & nursery exist?

Nurseries may look bright and airy, but I’m pretty sure you’ll find that at most times of the day they will be in chaos! Staff will be just really good at picking up and putting stuff away quickly ! Most things have a box or area that they are chucked into!
I am a TA , but I do After School club.( so from 4 11 year olds).Most of the time it looks like a bomb has hit it, but by 5pm it is all lovely and ‘tidy’!!

My older sister has never been interested into toys.
She enjoyed board games, card games, and everything book / trivia related.
I remember a Christmas she got a big book about nature, space and stuff like that and she was absolutely obsessed.
Mind you, she now has a PhD in microbiology.

I, on the other hand, was able to occupy myself for hours with just a stick, a chestnut and a plastic bottle lid (No PhD in sight though)

Observe and follow his interest. Donate the things he doesn’t like, with his permission.

It seems to me that he does not like playing alone, not that he doesn’t like playing at all. Because you say he likes to read WITH you, but not on his own, and that he ignores his train set at home, but plays with the one at nursery. At nursery, there are other children to play with, or a member of staff will play with him, show him what to do, encourage his imagination.

My son was never in to toys and still isn’t really but he loves reading!
When he was small we used to go out as much as possible and I used to give him my old iPad when home. Downloaded him YouTube Kids and the amount he learnt from watching educational videos. Then I would put him to bed and he make him to read to him for ages which I loved. He’s now 8, this year for Christmas all he asked for was books to read and new hiking books. Still loves his iPad and now into playing Roblox instead. It’s all about balance with screen time.
If he’s an outdoor kid, see if they have ‘Squirrels’ in your area. It’s the younger version of Beavers meant for 4-5 year olds and my son used to love it. They do so much outdoor activities.

My son is a teen now and never really played with toys either

I would start playing with the toys myself
and after a while curiosity will bring him over to you and he will join in
having play dates in your home will help
sometimes tho if he plays at preschool he might just want to relax at home
My Grandson won’t initiate play because he is autistic and “ just can’t “ but once his brother starts a game he wants to join in

I've thought about this thread some more.

we aren’t usually in the house for long periods

I think the house is part of the problem possibly. It’s dark and the rooms are small, and I find I’m falling over things a lot. It lacks the airy openness that we’d ideally need.

Plenty of books, we are a fairly bookish household.

One thing he did actually play with was a toy tool set but all the bits just got lost

I had to tell him not to sit on a dolls house as it would break. That sort of thing is just constant

it’s hard finding places to hide them

I just tend to forget about them if they are out of sight!

We probably do need a big declutter

I find I’m falling over things a lot

twenty separate pieces and half end up under various sofas and bookcases

I can’t find anything, I can’t find the TV remote, my purse, keys, nothing. I’m doing shit at work because of it, because I live in chaos

it was crumped at the bottom of the stairs AGAIN, so it is in the bin, with the ice cream set and I do not care who is judging, come and bloody clean it up yourselves then

every day I have to take out the furniture (three sofas, two bookcases and TV unit) and clear behind them, pick up anything else, put things back together, pick up things that get thrown around like paper, cushions and so on, shoes (dear god shoes) and clothes. And that’s before we even start on the kitchen

Hoarding causes huge problems, as children don't have space to play, the constant shrieking visual noise distracts them, the not being able to find where something is (and how do they know where something is supposed to go if the adults have everything out all of the time?).

Some learn to sit in the tiny space allocated to them. But not all can.

Mine wouldn’t play with toys and as for imaginative? 🤣 I’d make a car out of a cardboard box or a boat with oars , so we coukd sit in and pretend and he would look at it and say, ‘that’s not a car / boat. That’s a box’ …so much for the book on parenting. Toy cars and scalectrix, train sets, Lego, hot wheels, rocking horse, everything discarded. Get up, tip toy box all over the floor, head outside. We were lucky. We lived on an island by the beach so he could run free, playing among the stones on the beach , looking for little eels and crabs and other wildlife. Paddle till his boots filled with cold water..that stopped him going too deep. Or potter through the long grass and rushes with the dogs, hunting mice ? He had a red bobble hat on so I could watch him from the kitchen. When older, I bought him a fishing rod and tackle, a boomerang, his dad got him a catapult 🤣 and these things were good lol..for him. The broken windows were a bit inconvenient, especially when skylights .
Inside, I taught him his letters and to read by age 3, counting, writing, making shapes from coloured card to show fractions . We would paint , finger painting was better than brushes because the paint would end up on the ceiling like cast off blood after a murder but he liked both, so long as I was involved too. We would play with building blocks- I’d build them, he’d knock them down…used to say he would go in for demolition..and he did when he grew up. Practised on our jcb when he was 12 ish, when he almost took the shed roof off driving round the corner with the bucket up, but he learned from it. He had real tools from age 3 and learned to use screwdrivers and hammers with off cuts of wood and planks . Once he started school, it was boring.. My knees stopped hurting then after years of crawling on the floor with him on rainy days.

Bloody brilliant 😁

Learn how, like the rest of us. Not engaging with him is going to have a negative effect on his cognitive development. 10 or 20 minutes; build it up slowly over time.

If he sits there staring into space, doesn't engage , is a risk taker with climbing- Talk to your health visitor, GP, and nursery staff.

Of course adults have the inclination to sit and play with pre schoolers! I spent hours and hours on the floor with my daughter when she was little playing with her and her little tykes toys, Sylvanians, tinkle tots, baking pretend pies on her cooker, and being bandaged and injected constantly with the doctor's kit. She didn't go to nursery because it was my job to stimulate her and teach her how to use her imagination.

The quote didn't work - my last post was I response to @converseandjeans

His behaviour sounds quite normal to me, I think you may need to chill out. Yes it can be annoying but sometimes you have to breathe and let be 😅 just teach him to put toys away at the end of the day.