To be disappointed with Christmas this year

[Northtosouth]

Usually DH and I have always gone to my parents for Christmas dinner.
My parents are excellent hosts and we always have a great time. We usually see in laws either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

This year in laws asked us to go to theirs, we didn’t have any issue with this as we’ve never been before so accepted their invite.
It was really terrible. They hardly had any food, we literally ran out of Christmas dinner. Nothing left for supper later on. No effort made to provide any of the usual Christmas festivities. We ate dinner in near silence, no background music or much chit chat at the table. They also pretty much just followed us around all day which I found quite idd
(for example both of them coming upstairs with me when I needed to change DS nappy). We popped out for a walk with DS for some fresh air while they were cooking and they insisted on coming with us which delayed dinner. We were all starving as we’d been offered no food since a bowl of cereal at 8am and this was 3.30pm. We didn’t end up eating until after 5pm.

DH dropped in that we’d be back with my parents next year as usual and they then suggested we start to alternate.
I think also feeling a bit miffed (on DH’s behalf) that they seem to only be interested in spending Christmas with us now we have DS. Feeling a bit sad really that we spent our first Christmas with DS like this, it was nothing like I thought it would be.

I spent one with dh parents. Boiled potatoes, no music, no crackers , talking about local deaths, small baby and never again. Dh loved it but his family live like that. They centrepiece of the dining table was a packet of bistro gravy which was bizarre.

Could you host the in-laws on alternate years?

DD’s partner spent Christmas with us yesterday and before bed last night he announced ‘thank you for the most wonderful Christmas, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself’. They went to his parents for 1hr yesterday before dinner and didn’t get offered so much as a cup of tea, this was the first year the man had a Christmas stocking, a house filled with music, family and laughter. I think for us we assume the way we do things is the norm, but it’s clearly not.

I wouldn’t take DC for another Christmas like that, if you feel generous invite PIL to you on occasion but don’t get stick with year about.

Next time, take some contributions to the meal, take a game or something to occupy the afternoon. Of course they joined you on the walk, they wanted your company.

It might be very hard for them to judge quantities if you’ve not been there for a meal bafore. I just count my offspring as two people each when cooking for them

They’re not your family, you’ll never feel Christmas is “right” with them. But they are DH’s family and your child’s grandparents, so spending alternate Christmases with them isn’t unreasonble.

But maybe at your house not theirs.

I think you’re being a tiny bit unfair.

my husbands family is also a little bit ‘less’ at Christmas (no canapés, no starter, no trimmings eg cheesy leeks). And it’s basically a roast lunch. No twiddly bits.

my family is games and wine and chocs and stuffing and cranberry sauce and two kinds of pudding and films and chocs.

we have to do both because we are married and can’t just do my family every year!!

Does your husband have any brothers or sisters?
Maybe they didn't have any clues how to host a christmas dinner or how much food is needed?
That might be a weird suggestion but couldn't you all have a christmas dinner together, your family, your parents and the in-laws. That's how my family does it but we all get along very well and don't do the typical christmas roast. So maybe not feasible...

Is this uncharacteristic behaviour for them? Did not even DH have any inkling about his own parents’ approach to Christmas and hosting?

I think most grandparents naturally want to enjoy Christmas with their grandchildren hence their interest in alternating. There’s plenty of time before 2026 to organise with them arrangements for food and entertainment etc, or to host yourselves.

Just host them on the alternative year

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go back, but you need to find a way to incorporate them into Christmas. They are your DH and DC family after all.

But I get where you are coming from. My family is loud and boisterous at Christmas - music, games, talking over each other and over the films and sport we have on in the background. Pub for pre-dinner drinks with family friends. 16/20 for dinner some years. Someone always topping up drinks or trying out lethal cocktail recipes. Random kitchen discos. Other ways of doing Christmas can feel a bit underwhelming.

Other people's Christmases can be a trial. We spent our firstborn's first Xmas with my in laws and it was such a let down. For MIL it is all about religion whereas nobody else in the entire family is religious. Presents, fun, crackers, games, decorations other than the nativity scene are not part of MIL's ideas of Xmas. PIL only gift to their first GC was a bib that said "baby's first Xmas" and cost about 50p. PIL are comfortably off. DD had never used a milk bib EVER as she didn't drool! So we couldn't even use it. Honestly WTF.

So if you usually see them christmas eve or boxing day you know what they are like? Was this unusual for them?

Of course you should alternate. They’re equal, and just because their day isn’t as ‘fantastic’ as your parents, it is what it is. Maybe it’s been a learning curve with it being their first Xmas hosting, re the food situation. Next time they’ll think to get more stuff in.

BOILED POTATOES!!!!!! Wtf?!

They’re his parents. And they must have also noticed that there wasn’t enough food. Surely your husband can just open his mouth and speak to his parents about how it clearly went a bit wrong so alternating Christmas isn’t going to work unless it’s done differently, or you can offer to host them, or host them and your parents. Or just continue doing Xmas eve with them and Xmas day with yours .

I will never understand how you can sit there with family, having a shit time with no food and no one can just say, “We haven’t eaten since 8am, are there any snacks/let’s get dinner on the table/why is there not enough food.”

I probably am being a bit unfair as I do understand everyone is different but that doesn’t make it less disappointing. We did offer to take food etc but were told it wasn’t necessary. We did take some games but they didn’t want to play them, his mum fell asleep on the sofa at 8pm. We did also suggest a walk earlier in the day together but they said it was too windy to go out.

Usually when we see them Xmas Eve or Boxing Day we’ve been out or met up somewhere. They’ve never hosted us for an occasion before.
DH and I have been together 10 years, we had 2 apart when we first met but then he started coming to my families. His parents never asked us and we enjoyed Christmas with mine so didn’t change anything. They do host for other family members each year, their parents and siblings etc, so they aren’t totally new to hosting.

Yes I agree @Hesonlyakidharry DH could have said something, I didn’t really feel like it was my place to.
@StormingNorman that sounds exactly like how my family does Christmas too.

I think hosting them at ours in future is probably the way to go though.

Could you host everyone?

It's fair enough if you prefer being st your own parents', most people do, but why do people have to pick apart the whole day when they hosted you.

no it's not, that's the best part

regardless who leaves their guests to starve until dinner time

Was it just the food that was a problem or was their a lack of generosity and festive spirit in other ways? And is that how your DH’s Christmases were, or have they got out of the habit of making Christmas special and will adjust on future occasions?

While I’d be prepared to go every other year for the sake of my DH, I would not countenance making my DC endure a miserable Christmas every other time for fairness sake. Not every family has to have excess but not enough food for a celebration meal is way too far in the other direction. If it wasn’t something they were able and willing to sort I wouldn’t be going.

A candid chat from DH might make it better, but hosting at yours when it’s their “turn” to have Christmas with their DGC is an alternative (and has a host of other benefits)

How do you know he enjoyed being with his parents?

I don't think it would be fair to have Christmas with your parents every year and you would need to alternate.
We choose to spend Christmas in our own home as this way there is no disappointment of what I might think of the in-laws and what my DH might think of my parents idea of Christmas. My family are close by so we visit on boxing day for a few hours, DH family are further away so we visited them for the day the other week.
Perhaps not going to anyone for Christmas itself would be the solution.

You've got a baby so surely hosting would be the easiest thing for you all going forward. When your little one gets slightly older are you going to take all the presents from santa etc with you? It just seems far easy to spend it at home when you have children.

Go to your parents next year, then when the alternating year comes round, you can say that DD will be happier in her own house with all her new toys so why don't they come to you? Job done.