To be disappointed with Christmas this year

[Northtosouth]

Usually DH and I have always gone to my parents for Christmas dinner.
My parents are excellent hosts and we always have a great time. We usually see in laws either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

This year in laws asked us to go to theirs, we didn’t have any issue with this as we’ve never been before so accepted their invite.
It was really terrible. They hardly had any food, we literally ran out of Christmas dinner. Nothing left for supper later on. No effort made to provide any of the usual Christmas festivities. We ate dinner in near silence, no background music or much chit chat at the table. They also pretty much just followed us around all day which I found quite idd
(for example both of them coming upstairs with me when I needed to change DS nappy). We popped out for a walk with DS for some fresh air while they were cooking and they insisted on coming with us which delayed dinner. We were all starving as we’d been offered no food since a bowl of cereal at 8am and this was 3.30pm. We didn’t end up eating until after 5pm.

DH dropped in that we’d be back with my parents next year as usual and they then suggested we start to alternate.
I think also feeling a bit miffed (on DH’s behalf) that they seem to only be interested in spending Christmas with us now we have DS. Feeling a bit sad really that we spent our first Christmas with DS like this, it was nothing like I thought it would be.

This!!!

But your suggestion is also to alternate? But just hosting the alternate year rather than visiting…..

Don’t be silly. You’re gleaning this info from a MN echo chamber on MILs. You could flip it and say that the mothers of daughters are raising uptight, self entitled women, who have jealousy issues against the mothers of their husbands who, remember, have chosen their sons to marry and father their children. So I would assume the dils are happy with how their husbands have been raised?

They do things differently to your family.

Now you know, you could agree to alternate, but when you are at theirs, you prepare. Take a dish, nibbly food for the gap between dinner and lunch, a game, suggest a film to watch together.

Or you could host them - their quiet Christmas might well be all they know and you could show them how you like to spend it.

Cheesy leeks?

What’s your question?
Google it and bbc shows you a delightful recipe

Like cauliflower cheese, but leeks and a thinner sauce.

Rogue choice for Christmas dinner 🫢

I absolutely love cheesey leeks.......far nicer than broccoli cheese.

Why can't you have both sets of parents at yours?

No way!
trimmings = deluxe gravy, pigs in blankets, spiced red cabbage, cheesy leeks, sprouts with pancetta, parsnips, honey carrots, roasties

We host every year - tbf we have the most space and since DS came along at 4( now 17) it's easier as he's in his own space with all his stuff around.

It's harder as miners dwindle as apart from DB and DSIL there's only my DF at 93 left - that said they all arrived at 11am for coffee - tv was on with the previous nights carols for DF and the fire was roaring away , canapés and several champagne cocktail later we sat down to lunch and mire drinks and around 5 pm we started on gifts . They are welcome to stay over but DF likes his own bed do they left around 9pm - DS on phone to girlfriend then and DH and I watching Gavin and Stacey with a lovely glass of wine - it was great. To be fair when MIL came although they were the "quiet" ones she seemed to enjoy herself - DF good at including her and of course DS was the apple of her eye so it all worked out beautifully, I suggest you host in alternate years and have both lots of parents to you.

For every thread that says “why do women do this to themselves?” working themselves to the bone doing bells and whistles for the perfect Christmas, here is the answer. They want to look good in front of others. I only have boys, they’re too young for partners but I’m looking forward to travelling abroad in future years while my sons go to their in-laws for fancy Christmas things, as then I can’t be judged for being shit!

I was alone which was fine, then the fridge freezer broke, lost all my nice Christmas food, had to order a new one which I don't have the money for and now back to work today, Sat and Sunday
Brilliant

They do sound pretty shit at hosting, but it might just be that they are not very good at taking the lead and want to please you but have no idea how to do it.

I think I'd host them in future. It's so much easier once your child is invested in Christmas to host. However, as no doubt you will travel to them for occasions at points in future, you need to become more practised at asking key questions in advance and being a bit proactive to head off trouble.

Don't ask vague things like "what can I bring"? Or make vague suggestions that can get turned down. Or let the day flow. That's great before kids, but actually it doesn't get you far enough to factor in what you need for the kids and negotiate the day.

So, I'd ask in advance

1.what time are we eating (and bring snacks for the kids in case of unreliability)? Allows you to say "ooh, sounds lovely, I'll bring some extra nibbles as the kids are so used to eating early and some bits we can snack on for supper" etc. if your in laws had already planned something else, they could say "oh, I think that might be too much, as I already have x", which is fine, because at least they have thought about it.

1. What sides do you have (then you can bring any things that are special/quirky for your family or things that you know your child will eat and will be a gateway to them trying other things too)?

1. "we like a walk on Christmas Day, as kids have energy to burn - shall we do it after lunch, or wait until afterwards"? Then they have a choice.

Sounds as if they are a bit clueless but want to spend time with you. So you need to manage them, kindly but firmly! Actually this is quite easy, once you get used to it - much easier than someone who has a very firm timetable that is very hard to tinker with but is very child unfriendly.

If you RTFT, you will see that OP asked what to bring and was told - Nothing.

You and @Cosyblankets - yet* *more people trying to get a dig in at the OP when they clearly haven’t read the fucking thread.

OP offered to bring food and drink but was turned down. She took along games but PiL said no when they suggested playing. You would know this if you had just bothered to read OP’s posts. You’ll have to look elsewhere to find a reason to try and makeOP the villain.

This is simply a natural consequence of MN being mainly populated by straight women. People are more likely to be comfortable being more direct with their own parents, so they don’t bite their tongue and then go on forums to moan as much about their own parents. Since most MN posters are straight women, the PiL they post about are more likely to be parents of their husbands.

But many MN posters will have brothers, so their own parents who they aren’t moaning about may be the subject of some other post from their SiL. And many of their PiL will also have daughters, who won’t be posting about them because they already knew it would be this way and they’ve made their peace or are prepared to deal with it.

My MiL (not so much FiL) was a much better host than my mother was (both have at least 1 son and 1 daughter). I don’t come on here and moan about my DM’s terrible hosting, though. I knew why she was a terrible host and nothing was going to change that, I wasn’t unsure how to handle it and since it was my DM, the whole issue was tinged with too much sadness to simply enjoy a good moan about it.

Is there a reason your can't host them? Make the effort to have them at yours, insist as its easier for you with ds.

OP sounds you've answered it yourself with the plan to host at yours.
I can see why you didn't take food when told not to. It's not your fault that they wouldn't play board games nor that they refused a walk then followed you out later delaying the sparse meal.
Try to keep them safely busy at yours so they don't silently follow you about all day - e.g. watching the baby, answering the door etc.

Calm down @RawBloomers who said anything about a villain? It's not that deep. Yes I must have missed where op was told not to bring anything.
Next time insist or host or accept how they do it are the options.

Didn't you say anything about the lack of food ?

"Keep the chat to national deaths " is always my dinner party rule.

Just because you didn’t use the word villain doesn’t mean you weren’t trying to position OP as the bad guy.

I’m calm but this nasty, undeserved sniping at OPs that seems so constant on AIBU annoys the fuck out of me. Your post would still have been a bit nasty even if OP hadn’t mentioned she’d offered to take things.

Could you not just have empathized with her? Not taking something wouldn’t have made OP’s experience any less poor or her fault at all unless she’d been asked to provide some of the food they could reasonably expect.