I didn’t get any Christmas presents

[NeedySwan]

Not even a box of chocolates or biscuits from my whole family, parents/siblings etc.

Maybe. Last massive buffet I made was mostly heat and eat, with lots of stuff just needing removal from packaging. Not exactly labour intensive, although OP’s parents might have made everything from scratch, I suppose.

Call me crazy, but I’d also give presents if I were hosting/providing food.

I completely understand how you feel.

It's not so much the "not getting a present" is it? (Although a present would be nice).
It's how it makes us feel, and I suppose what it represents.

My brother buys loads some years and next to nothing others - it's so confusing. I do what I do and try not to worry about it.

I'm sorry they didn't get you anything OP. I do think that's really rude. Did you have a nice time there or was it awkward?

I've decided to make people who aren't investing in their relationship with me less of a priority. You can't compensate for the lack of effort on their end no matter how hard you try, and the act of trying in itself makes you feel worse rather than better. I would focus on those that match your energy and leave the others too it.

so last time you went the buffet was their gift, so now surprise that this year the buffet was the gift again

and now you know not to buy for your siblings and their children

BUT

what about your partner ?

did s/he not buy you anything

did you buy your partner a present ?

My mum told me she’d pay for my £9 meal when we went out to the pub, 15 or so of us, for my birthday. I was slightly gobsmacked. I always get her thoughtful gifts. She has over £150K in the bank, no mortgage etc. She’s become incredibly mean since my dad died, or maybe she’s always been this way but dad was the generous one?

@Cherrysoup could it be your mum is worried about money and having enough to pay for her future care now your dad sadly is no longer around and she's on her own?

The buffet was your present?

Sorted.

Next year you don't buy them anything. When they ask where are their presents, you tell them that your presence at the buffet was their present. Then change the subject.

I think it’s fair enough for parents of adult children to decide that they will host a family get together for their four grown up kids and their grandkids, and also decide that that they aren’t going to add buying a bunch of presents to their workload for the event, on top of buying all the food and hosting.

Bit mean of your siblings though.

I get why you’d be a bit hurt at being the only person not having something to open, but I think that this is a lack of communication rather than an intentional snub. If you hadn’t bought gifts for everyone then all but one of your siblings wouldn’t have had gifts to open either. If your siblings who couldn’t attend had been there, they wouldn’t have had anything to open either.

We regularly hear from people saying they only buy for kids, or their parents and kids, but not the other adults in the family, and other than the one sibling who decided to play favourites, it sounds like your siblings have done exactly this. I expect that your siblings with children probably got gifts from your nieces, but you probably got gifts from your partner, so it all evens itself out.

And the buffet as a gift, when you’re hosting anyway, is…. unusual but perhaps they’re a bit hard up and just haven’t told you. You made it sound like the buffet was just your ‘gift’ when in fact your parents didn’t get gifts for any of your siblings either.

I've just been chatting to a friend of mine about the same thing. I did get one thing, but it wasn't a surprise, it wasn't wrapped, and it wasn't given to me on Christmas Day. So I had literally nothing to open yesterday morning.

It made me feel sad all day yesterday. I don't begrudge anyone else for their presents, but it's not a nice feeling knowing you got nothing.

No, i think she is determined to give it to me and my dB when she dies. Neither of us need it, we all work full time and have other sources of income. She just comes across as incredibly mean, especially given how well she's looked after by various family members. My cousin has just come out from visiting her in hospital. I'm going up tomorrow.

Who's is the next birthday? Send a packet of sausage rolls.....

I'm in almost exactly the same position. I got no gifts.
I do all the gift buying for everyone else in the family, my husband gets the kudos for delivering to them.
He got money from his dad, I didn't get anything. He didn't get me a gift either.
We have older children and younger children, I'd kind of expect him to do the gift for the young ones, still didn't.
Today I'm doing the buffet for the family, so in a couple of hours, everyone will be here eating at my table for frickin free.
This year's been shit.
Not to take away from you OP. I just get you, and I'm sorry, it's bloody crap.

Does nobody in these situations speak to their family the other weeks of the year?
A chat about what the present situation is going to be at Xmas, the youngest in our family is DD19, we do enjoy giving gifts, everyone gets presents.

Did they get everyone the buffet for Christmas?

But you are an adult, surely you count your blessings not by the amount of things under the tree? That is why your reaction is normal.

😂

I am grateful to be in a family of great gift givers. I don’t understand why it’s hard work, I genuinely enjoy buying or even making gifts for the people I love. It’s never about the cash value of the gift, it’s about acknowledging the value of the person.

Strangest for me is to not get a gift from your partner? Unless it was prearranged and reciprocal?

Hosting a buffet is fine imo as a gift. It's expensive and time consuming, and thus a lovely thing to do as it gets everyone together. If you all take turns hosting, it's not a gift, but if you don't, then it is a gift.

I'm sad for you OP.
Treat yourself to something lovely and don't bother getting them anything next year.dpdnd the money on yourself.

And the gift of a buffet is weird.

I’m sorry your life has been so difficult. Most families wouldn’t expect the meal to be their Christmas present.

So sorry for you… that’s unkind of them.
So next year treat your family in the same manner. Save your money that you would spend on their gifts and buy gifts for yourself or use the cash saved to go away with your husband for Christmas.

If you phrased it slightly differently - ‘the adults in my family don’t exchange Christmas gifts, my parents host a Christmas Eve buffet so we can all celebrate together’ it doesn’t sound weird. Just take a bottle of wine and a pudding as a contribution to the buffet, save yourself the stress, don’t buy for any of the adults and get yourself something nice instead. I liked the suggestion on here from someone without a big gift giving circle that they bought and wrapped a few things for themself throughout the year so they did have tree gifts to unwrap.
My family stopped doing adult presents years ago and I wish DH’s side would do the same!

How dis that happen? Did you give your family presents. If so I wouldn't bother again.

I’m sorry they treated you this way OP in future I suggest stop buying presents for them.

This year I didn’t get presents from in-laws, actually it’s the first time in 26 years I haven’t received something they know I wouldn’t like/wouldn’t fit or suit me. It’s a relief for me but I know it’s not the same for you OP

I'm sorry you didn't get any presents
😕 This all depends entirely on the full context which we don't have. If they are long-standing neglectful parents who use this as another excuse to be thoughtless and avoid showing love, and encourage the same lack of care between their children, it's horrible. But if they're otherwise lovely and this has been agreed over the years and everyone knows the situation, then your reaction is strange and the only one at fault is your partner. Who knows? I'm guessing they're crap parents and if so maybe you should consider doing something else for Christmas in future. A small Christmas just with the people you really care for and care for you is absolute bliss, even if that's just two people.