How much easier my life would be if I just sent my DD to the local state primary

[abgah]

At the moment she's at a private primary school.

The local state primary in my village is within walking distance.. it has an ofsted ' good ' rating.

The class size is of course 30 children per class. In DDs private primary, there are 15 children per class.

We made the decision to send her to private school because we thought she'd massively benefit from smaller class size and will enjoy better facilities.

But it's such a stress to send her there, mainly because it's 30 minutes away due to traffic really. I leave the house before 8 and I'm not back until after 9 in the mornings and the same in the evenings. It's absolutely exhausting.

I have recently started a job working from the office and getting back to pick her up is very stressful. My every day is massively stressful. I pay someone to drop her off on the mornings I go to work in the office but I do all the pickups.

It's just a huge stress but she's really thriving and loves her school so much. This is not even considering the huge financial burden it is on us to send her there.

I just keep going past the local primary school and thinking, is this going to be something I look back on and regret ? It's such a huge stress on us. I hope it will be worth it.

She goes to one of the through schools and we chose it for that reason, so she can stay on for secondary school more easily.

Are any parents in similar positions or have been in similar positions ? We really are just trying to do the best for her, no matter what the sacrifice. Like all parents are.

The turn taking/sharing thing is pretty normal developmentally. It is a learned skill. It could also be something sen kids have a harder time with.

Not every morning:

3 days a week someone else drives her to school.

I leave the office at 4, to be able to pick her up at 5.. then have to get my other child and that means we don't get home until 6-6:30. Probably normal then, I just find it really tiring.

If op is finding the drop offs and pick ups stressful, she is finding it stressful. It's a personal thing and everyone will be different. It's not very useful to say it's normal or that you do more. It's her reality

Thank you for saying that. Maybe I need to reframe my thinking. I'm really trying.

I don't want to move her to be completely honest. We made those decisions and she loves it there.

It's just really tiring ! But I guess being a working parent is no walk in the park for anyone. Private or not private, long commute, long school run or not.

It's just so relentless. Even when I'm not doing the drop off. Just getting them ready, getting myself ready. Rushing around, stressing about pick ups when trains are cancelled.

It's just hard work but I would still need to get them both ready alone every day and take them home every day, even if she went to the local primary. Maybe it wouldn't even make that much difference to my stress levels anyway !

Maybe it wouldn't even make that much difference to my stress levels anyway !

I bet it would. I just had to walk across the road to drop mine off, it was the least stressful thing you can possibly imagine.

One of my non negotiable criteria for moving house was to be in walking distance to a primary school. We moved when DD was 3, so she got a year in the preschool and now is in Y1. I really love and enjoy the walk there and back, its not far away at all. We put our shoes on at 8.40am and I'm back home by 9.01am. The fresh air perks me up. She chats in a different way to me when we're walking - we talk about all sorts on those walks and I really enjoy it.

I'd move her.

I wouldn't change her if she's really happy there, it's a pain but if you wanted her at the state primary then I think you should have put her in there from the start. Changing her now she's happy and settled because it's not that convenient for you is unfair IMO.

It seems to be a MN thing about private primary: plenty of threads from state parents complaining about things that wouldn’t happen in private but if an OP asks if private is worth it most answers will be that it isn’t.
Why I believe private primary is worth it, even in OP’s circumstances:

• smaller class size AND not just one teacher but often a TA as well. So instead of a 30/1 ratio it is 15/2.
• more sport and ‘real’ sports: netball, cricket, etc not just getting the children to move. Fixtures, swimming every week y1-y6, etc.
• a detailed school report at the end of every term: for every class an overview of what they covered, comments about your child’s learning and a grade.
• specialist teachers for art, music, sport etc
• teachers available every day if you want to discuss something. As a parent they never make you feel like you are bothering them.
• afterschool is not just childcare (running club, chess, needlework, LAMDA…). And there is no waitlist, they will accommodate all the children who sign up.
• not an issue if your child is off when unwell (unlike what you can read on here about state schools pressuring parents to maintain a low absence rate even when the absences are due to genuine illness)
• lovely food for lunch, as much as they want
• less children means more opportunities to practice speaking/performing in public.

Re the smaller friendship pool this can be an
issue but we had the opposite experience: my DC are not the most social children and being in a class of 10-15 meant all the children always played all together as a group.

You're stressed because you're doing all the parenting plus working. It sounds like DH doesn't see the children at all during the week? I'd have a proper look at what your family's priorities are. What's DH's suggestions of how to improve things?

Thanks for your view and yes all of this is true for DDs school. She has a teacher and a TA for a class of 15. What strikes me is how well the teachers know the children.

Sometimes I keep them up for him to see them when he gets home. But it's a bit late for them and just delays bed time. Friday nights I always keep them up. Sometimes he doesn't see them during the week until Friday. Sometimes he does see them if I kept them up late.

He can't change the situation at work at the moment. Perhaps in the future.

His suggestion is for someone to do pick ups on the days I work in the office too.

You say she has an after school club place until 6, but you pick her up at 5. Perhaps this is because your other child has to be picked up by 6 and you need to get DD first? When they are both in the same school that may be easier, you can work a bit later and collect both at 6? So quite short term until it gets logistically simpler then.

Out of interest, how long does the drive take when there is no traffic? We really do find that there is a massive difference between leaving at 7:30 and 8, now that we can drop DS at school at 8am. Significantly less traffic.

Where is your older dc? Would it be easier if they both went to the same school? Is that a possibility?!

Yes you hit the nail on the head indeed there ! I need to get the other one, so I need to be there earlier. Once they're at the same place next year, it should be a bit more chilled to pick them up

And yes if she did breakfast club as well, there'd be a significant difference in how long it all takes.
It's under consideration.

Don't most slum it until secondary if its a decent primary in the area and then pay from secondary onwards?

What are the chances of your other child getting a place? I have an only child but the stress levels of parents trying to get siblings into my DS’ school are through the roof! No preferential treatment given, precisely because it’s an all-through school so the stakes are very high.

@HotCrossBunplease he has a place already.

Put her down and see if you could get a place - personally however much she loves it you have to factor 'you' into the equation too- at the moment for you it's both tight financially and a fag logistically- for me it would be a no brainer!!

I think your biggest issues are :

Your DH seems to do no pick ups or drop offs

You live quite far from the school

I think if you changed one of those things, it would all be easier

Send her to the state school. It’ll save you money and Keir Starmer thinks it will make state schools better doing this. You’re already paying for the school via your taxes so might as well use it

There are actually very few corporate style jobs these days that don’t allow some flexibility for parents. They all know how it looks on their CSR/DEI reports and how it fosters long term employee loyalty. My husband works in an investment bank but is able to ringfence one office day a week to leave at 4 to do pickups, in addition to doing pickup and drop off on one of the 2 days that he works from home. He can also attend performances etc on an ad-hoc basis. Work can always be picked up again from home in the evening. I have a similar job and similar arrangement over the 4 days I work, so both our jobs get a couple of days when we are dedicated to them 100% and we can start finish as early/late as we like, to balance out the days when we have childcare duties to accommodate.

Just be very very careful not to take what he is telling you at face value, he may well not be trying hard enough to make himself available, out of misplaced fear of a bad employer reaction, workaholism, bad organisation, inability to delegate or simply avoidance of family life. (Or of course he might be a surgeon who has to be in theatre or a train driver who needs to be in his cab! )

Time spent with friends who live near the school and a more relaxed routine (walking to and from school) will be more beneficial than you realise.

Er, do you want to give your glasses a wipe?
Maybe they got smeared with a bit of the grease from the chip on your shoulder!