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Original poster

Anyone else feel like an absolute slave today...Christmas day

132 replies

Whatslife · 25/12/2024 22:53

Made breakfast, Xmas lunch, dinner, got kids to bed, tidied up, washed up. All whilst he laid on the sofa. And he's been short tempered and grumpy with the kids all day. I'd already decorated all the house, wrapped all the presents, booked all the Christmas stuff and organised school/club presents/outfits etc.

Now he's gone to bed early as 'he didn't get to watch what he wanted on TV'.

OP posts:
DepartingRadish · 27/12/2024 11:07

I suspect 50/50 won't last. He'll pursue it at first because the children are a weapon to use against you. But he's a fundamentally lazy and disinterested man. When faced with the reality of having to actually get off his backside and parent - including school runs, doctor's appointments and sick days - I suspect he will change his tune quick enough.

The quickest route through this is to disengage and grey rock him. Work as fast as you can to get your exit plan sorted. When he says he wants the kids 50/50 - that's great, it's important they spend time with him and it will give you a break. Don't argue unless it's a battle really worth fighting. When he eventually twigs that he's not getting a reaction from you, and that him taking the kids gives you time to yourself, I bet you won't see him for dust.

SprinkleOfSunak · 27/12/2024 12:36

@Whatslife

After I’d had a go at him yesterday, he came back in from walking the dogs and said come on then let’s go. One of our children asked him why he isn’t coming to eat, and he told them he is. She asked him why he’ll be eating now, and he said he just is. His decision didn’t make me happy, as I know it was as a result of me having a go at him and making me so unhappy. He stayed for food and hardly said a word to anyone and then left and came back later to pick us up.

My friend has invited the 4 of us and 2 other families we know for New Year’s Eve and he’s telling me he’s not going to come. I want us to all be together, but he’s insisting that he won’t be coming. Our children overheard and asked him why he doesn’t want to go, and he said she’s not my friend and I feel awkward around all of these people. One of my children said my friends will all have their Daddies there, and it’ll be strange and embarrassing for you to not be there. He walked away and got his gym stuff ready and had left for the gym.

I now have no idea whether to go there with my children or not to go at all. I’ve been to 2 functions this year without him and I just felt ridiculous as everyone else came in their family groups, and they all of course ask why he isn’t there. I want to tell the truth but it sounds so rude to me.

Original poster
Whatslife · 27/12/2024 12:43

SprinkleOfSunak · 27/12/2024 12:36

@Whatslife

After I’d had a go at him yesterday, he came back in from walking the dogs and said come on then let’s go. One of our children asked him why he isn’t coming to eat, and he told them he is. She asked him why he’ll be eating now, and he said he just is. His decision didn’t make me happy, as I know it was as a result of me having a go at him and making me so unhappy. He stayed for food and hardly said a word to anyone and then left and came back later to pick us up.

My friend has invited the 4 of us and 2 other families we know for New Year’s Eve and he’s telling me he’s not going to come. I want us to all be together, but he’s insisting that he won’t be coming. Our children overheard and asked him why he doesn’t want to go, and he said she’s not my friend and I feel awkward around all of these people. One of my children said my friends will all have their Daddies there, and it’ll be strange and embarrassing for you to not be there. He walked away and got his gym stuff ready and had left for the gym.

I now have no idea whether to go there with my children or not to go at all. I’ve been to 2 functions this year without him and I just felt ridiculous as everyone else came in their family groups, and they all of course ask why he isn’t there. I want to tell the truth but it sounds so rude to me.

With my ex I used to beg him to come to stuff and he wouldn't. So with this one I just don't bother! I've used up all my begging energy!

Just think where will you and your children have more fun? And it's not you being rude it's him!

I do feel bad for the kids though. When everyone else has their dad there. They'll realise eventually it's not normal. Oh the way to my birthday bbq my eldest was like 'why isn't daddy coming'. I always look around and see all the other happy families. But if he's there he's grumpy and constantly asking when we can go home. I do find myself being resentful he's not there but I try and stop myself. He didn't even come to see father Xmas with them because he didn't like the location I had chosen to go to with my elderly parents!

It's all the walking on egg shells and wondering will he come won't he that is controlling us and trying to stop us having fun. Don't let him stop you having fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatslife · 27/12/2024 12:47

DepartingRadish · 27/12/2024 11:07

I suspect 50/50 won't last. He'll pursue it at first because the children are a weapon to use against you. But he's a fundamentally lazy and disinterested man. When faced with the reality of having to actually get off his backside and parent - including school runs, doctor's appointments and sick days - I suspect he will change his tune quick enough.

The quickest route through this is to disengage and grey rock him. Work as fast as you can to get your exit plan sorted. When he says he wants the kids 50/50 - that's great, it's important they spend time with him and it will give you a break. Don't argue unless it's a battle really worth fighting. When he eventually twigs that he's not getting a reaction from you, and that him taking the kids gives you time to yourself, I bet you won't see him for dust.

I hope not. I would be VERY surprised if he coped with them even for a weekend as he's never looked after them for longer than 4 hours! I spoke to a solicitor and said I would do every other weekend. She said after what I had told her if would not be good for the kids as he can not cope with them and I should do less than that. He really would kick off if I don't agree to what he wants and it sounds like he wants 50:50 from what he's said in arguments.

Gosh yes I grey rock him all the time now. I think it's made it worse for the kids though as they give him a reaction I don't. He even said he is horrible to me to get a reaction!!! How evil is that!

Living arrangements as always with these situations is my biggest issue. I need to work out what I can afford. The kids have a great school and friends so I would not move out of this area. 😬

OP posts:
DepartingRadish · 27/12/2024 13:06

You know he's saying it because he thinks it's a way to hurt you. But if you don't let him know this, then you are much more likely to get a quicker resolution in line with what you want. If he says he'll have the children 50/50 then tell him great, the easiest way will be one week on and one week off, and you can do changeovers on a Sunday.

Then keep future discussions to practical matters and reiterate that he has equal responsibility. Need help doing a school run? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Can't be there for school pick-up? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Likewise dentist appointments and home sick from school childcare days - it's your week so you need to sort this out.

It should get to the point where he realises that not only is he unable to hurt you by having the children 50/50, but actually having to be an equal parent is causing him massive inconvenience. He just wants to argue over them now because he knows it's not what you or they want.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2024 19:14

DepartingRadish · 27/12/2024 13:06

You know he's saying it because he thinks it's a way to hurt you. But if you don't let him know this, then you are much more likely to get a quicker resolution in line with what you want. If he says he'll have the children 50/50 then tell him great, the easiest way will be one week on and one week off, and you can do changeovers on a Sunday.

Then keep future discussions to practical matters and reiterate that he has equal responsibility. Need help doing a school run? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Can't be there for school pick-up? It's your week so you need to sort this out. Likewise dentist appointments and home sick from school childcare days - it's your week so you need to sort this out.

It should get to the point where he realises that not only is he unable to hurt you by having the children 50/50, but actually having to be an equal parent is causing him massive inconvenience. He just wants to argue over them now because he knows it's not what you or they want.

This is really important.

You need to be very clear upfront that 50/50 is just that.

When he has the children you will not be stepping in when it's not convenient for him to do parenting.

So when he say this, say great, I'm sure you're starting to plan how you will get them to school, getting places for any after school clubs and paying for them, covering half the school holidays etc etc

All said in a breezy way with a smile.

Also re: finances, don't just consider what you earn/ your assets. You're married so the whole pot is up for division including things like his pension.

It does not matter if a bank account is in his sole name or not for example. It's all family money.

So many men in these situations start off by threatening 50/50 to avoid paying more maintenance and get away with it because women take a substandard offer to have the children more often.

You need to turn the game around.

Original poster
Whatslife · 28/12/2024 11:36

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2024 19:14

This is really important.

You need to be very clear upfront that 50/50 is just that.

When he has the children you will not be stepping in when it's not convenient for him to do parenting.

So when he say this, say great, I'm sure you're starting to plan how you will get them to school, getting places for any after school clubs and paying for them, covering half the school holidays etc etc

All said in a breezy way with a smile.

Also re: finances, don't just consider what you earn/ your assets. You're married so the whole pot is up for division including things like his pension.

It does not matter if a bank account is in his sole name or not for example. It's all family money.

So many men in these situations start off by threatening 50/50 to avoid paying more maintenance and get away with it because women take a substandard offer to have the children more often.

You need to turn the game around.

Show quote history

😂🤣 there's no way he could cope doing 50:50 so know it would quickly stop!

And we're not married so not sure what that means.

I'm currently looking at how I can buy him out of the family house but I have a shortfall of what I am allowed to borrow.

It's so tiring playing the game all the time. Wish I had a relationship where we could just have an honest discussion and feelings would be taken into account but his narc personality won't allow for that.

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