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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else feel like an absolute slave today...Christmas day

132 replies

Whatslife · 25/12/2024 22:53

Made breakfast, Xmas lunch, dinner, got kids to bed, tidied up, washed up. All whilst he laid on the sofa. And he's been short tempered and grumpy with the kids all day. I'd already decorated all the house, wrapped all the presents, booked all the Christmas stuff and organised school/club presents/outfits etc.

Now he's gone to bed early as 'he didn't get to watch what he wanted on TV'.

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 26/12/2024 10:20

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 10:24

Every year it has been me doing everything, but he has done the lights and batteries after I’ve asked. He makes us late every year too for my parents, but has always come and eaten with us. I’m really fed up with it. My friend’s husbands either share all the tasks over Christmas or at least contribute without being asked and reminded constantly.

That’s sad but I’m glad that at least you’re not under any illusion that all men behave as poorly as this, which is what I feel many on MN do to justify their inaction towards their partners selfishness.

You’re fed up - good. Hold on to this feeling and use it to initiate change.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2024 11:20

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

Men that help are NOT rare

There are decent men out there. Sadly your husband isn't and will never be, one of them

YourAzureHiker · 26/12/2024 11:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 11:54

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/12/2024 10:17

I stayed up very late into the early hours preparing for Christmas for 4 nights in a row - each time, my Husband either went up to bed or sat there watching a film.

I’ve done all of the thinking and searching for presents, as well as the shopping for every single gift - including my own, and then I’ll just deduct the money spent from my half of the mortgage this month. I have also wrapped every single present, except my own, but I had to remind him to do this and he moaned the whole time and kept on saying he hates wrapping up and thinks it’s a load of shite. I’ve bought all the Christmas cards and written them and distributed them. I had to remind him several times for him to buy one for me and Mummy cards from our children, which he bought on Christmas Eve after I’d reminded him again.

I’ve sat with our children and helped them write and post their Father Christmas letters, I decorated the tree and put all the decorations for the room out, put on all the Christmas cushion covers and bedding and arranged the Christmas flowers. I’ve done all the additional tidying too.

I’ve asked him to do 3 things all Christmas: The first was to help put the lights on the tree, and I was kept waiting a day and a half as he was apparently too tired. The second was to help me put the lights on the front of the house (our children have also been asking him too) - he still hasn’t done this and I can’t do it on my own. 3 - to change the batteries in our battery operated lights and a few room decorations - he still hasn’t done this and I’ve been waiting and reminding since 1st December. I’ve even got the battery case and screwdriver sat in the sitting room and he still hasn’t done it and I ended up in tears on Christmas morning in front of him and my children because of his lack of help and initiative throughout the Christmas period.

Most of the things I do for Christmas I wouldn’t ask him to do, as I wouldn’t trust him to get them done or to do them to a good enough standard and I just know he’d leave it so late to do things and our children wouldn’t get lots of presents as they would’ve sold out by the time he tried to order or shops for them.

His contribution to Christmas after me asking for a week: To open 2 new Reed diffusers and put the reeds in - and then he moaned while doing it, to make breakfast on Christmas Day, and to drive us to and from my parents’ house which is a 10 minute drive.

He couldn’t even be bothered to stay with us properly on Christmas Day and eat together. He made us 1 hour late, and then on the way said he’ll be going back home to walk the dogs and get changed and then drive back down for dinner. We’d arrived at 4pm, and he arrived at nearly 6.30pm. My parents wouldn’t wait for him to start eating I’m pleased to say, and so we all ate at around 4.30pm. He stayed until 9pm and then started texting me from across the room asking if we could leave - I ignored him. At 9.15pm he said he thinks we should go home, I said no as we always stay late on Christmas Day and he said he’d go back and take the dogs for a walk and come back and pick us up. He then said if you want to stay later get an Uber. I said no way will we do that, and was so pissed off that he felt this was reasonable.

Every year it has been me doing everything, but he has done the lights and batteries after I’ve asked. He makes us late every year too for my parents, but has always come and eaten with us. I’m really fed up with it. My friend’s husbands either share all the tasks over Christmas or at least contribute without being asked and reminded constantly.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this too.

Oh yes I stayed up late every night in the run up too and he would moan I was making noise whilst he was watching TV. I would list all that needs doing for Xmas and he would just go upstairs.

The one thing I asked him to do was a simple task but he said he couldn't do it!

I've really felt it this Xmas!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What be other thread? I haven't started another thread!

OP posts:
YourAzureHiker · 26/12/2024 12:00

This reply has been deleted

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nationalsausagefund · 26/12/2024 12:31

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You know how you completely derailed the other thread with this bee in your bonnet?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/12/2024 12:34

This is not normal. In answer to your question yes my DH does help. In fact he did all the cooking. I made the gravy. I cleared away the table and loaded dishwasher. DD 11 did stuff too. Later on I sorted out some food with the help of 17 year old nephew. Everyone got drinks etc. At bedtime I sorted out sil bedding and DH did DN’s

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 12:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That was an accident last night and I couldn't delete it. Sorry a momentary lack of attention :-(

OP posts:
Deadringer · 26/12/2024 12:44

No. I do the presents, dh does the shopping and most of the cooking. I think most men will let you do it all if you are willing, so make sure you are not.

Thewrongdoor · 26/12/2024 12:58

No, that’s not normal. DH does all the shopping and cooking for Christmas.

zebraplant · 26/12/2024 13:10

I cancelled all the gift giving (we have adult dcs) - we now do secret Santa - so everyone has the same responsibility and we all helped cook the food - everyone did their fair share. I have always insisted that Christmas food prep is a family affair, expectation is that everyone helps - even guests!

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/12/2024 16:14

@Whatslife

Thank you. I’m sorry we are both going through this.

I have read a few posts in which people have said not to let men get away with doing/not doing certain things, but I have no idea how they get the men in their lives to do things. I’ve had the moaning about noise too - rustling of paper and cutting of sellotape or the crunching on the odd crisp while I wrap.

I’ve been in tears again today as he is just being obnoxious. We’re meant to be going to my parents’ house again (his family weren’t Christian and both passed away several years ago, and isn’t in contact with most of the rest of his family). We have done this every Christmas since we’ve had our children so it isn’t a surprise or new arrangement. He told me he would only stay a short while and then pick us up later and I wasn’t happy with this, but he’s wound me up so much that I thought ok fine. My parents rang and asked if he would be coming as they want to know how many to cater for so I told them he’s coming, only for him to announce about half an hour ago very flippantly that he won’t be going there to eat or stay and he’ll just drop us off. He told me that he doesn’t like my Mum’s food and doesn’t want to eat it. I know it isn’t his favourite, but he’s eaten it every Christmas for years. I went mad and told him how rude and selfish he is, and he kept on arguing back, and then laughed it off and said he just doesn’t want to eat it and wants to come home and watch Star Wars.

I am so embarrassed and don’t know what to tell my parents.

Sunshineandoranges · 26/12/2024 16:16

I put you are being unreasonable because you just shouldn’t do it all. Do less. I haven’t read the ft but you are giving the message to your children that women are skivvies. We are not!

dreamer24 · 26/12/2024 16:44

saveforthat · 26/12/2024 09:30

Is anyone else aghast at how many threads like this there are? Not just at Christmas but throughout the year. "Why does my DH/DP do nothing?". Er because you let him.

Yes! Blows my mind. Raise the bar!!

zebraplant · 26/12/2024 18:41

dreamer24 · 26/12/2024 16:44

Yes! Blows my mind. Raise the bar!!

Show quote history

Why should women be parenting their dh's - it's fucking ridiculous - why are we the ones telling the men how to behave? Why are we putting up with adult children? Society expects us to buy everyone's presents, do all the wrapping the planning the cooking the hosting - we need to start saying no - and we need to be prepared for the consequences because there will be consequences but the freedoms gained are worth it. Be brave.

dreamer24 · 26/12/2024 19:41

@zebraplant I totally agree with you! My DH has done more than his fair share this Christmas including all the food shopping, half the presents buying, most of the wrapping, and the cooking! Woken most definitely need to raise their bars.

dreamer24 · 26/12/2024 19:42

*Women not woken 😂

mrlistersgelfbride · 26/12/2024 19:49

Yep.
Me too.
If it wasn't for me DD would have no presents. I bought and wrapped everything. I got up with her, opened gifts with her, played with her.
Partner didn't have a fucking clue.
I was saved from the slavery of cooking and doing mountains of washing up as for the first time in 7 years we didn't host MIL and managed to go out for lunch.

But all he did all day is drink and sing drunkenly.
Every year I tell myself I'm not doing it again. But here I am still.

Sorry you are going through this.
These men are lazy and bone idle.
I don't know where they get off.
I hate it.

DepartingRadish · 26/12/2024 19:53

I bet he wants you to stop work. If you do then you become totally dependent on him and he has you trapped. No money, no job, no independence, fucking your career prospects and pension, and no financial recourse against him if you split up beyond CMS as you aren't married.

Stay in work and ditch the lazy bugger.

unclemtty · 26/12/2024 20:37

He's got it so good.
He probably thinks he's a prince amongst men because he doesn't sleep with other women or beat you up (I hope at least)

It's time to not put up with this, it's unacceptable. It's even more unacceptable that the children in your home will be being groomed into thinking you are to be treated like shit and to carry that dis-function into their adult relationships.

It's better to be alone and or co-parent, it really is.

unclemtty · 26/12/2024 20:46

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/12/2024 16:14

@Whatslife

Thank you. I’m sorry we are both going through this.

I have read a few posts in which people have said not to let men get away with doing/not doing certain things, but I have no idea how they get the men in their lives to do things. I’ve had the moaning about noise too - rustling of paper and cutting of sellotape or the crunching on the odd crisp while I wrap.

I’ve been in tears again today as he is just being obnoxious. We’re meant to be going to my parents’ house again (his family weren’t Christian and both passed away several years ago, and isn’t in contact with most of the rest of his family). We have done this every Christmas since we’ve had our children so it isn’t a surprise or new arrangement. He told me he would only stay a short while and then pick us up later and I wasn’t happy with this, but he’s wound me up so much that I thought ok fine. My parents rang and asked if he would be coming as they want to know how many to cater for so I told them he’s coming, only for him to announce about half an hour ago very flippantly that he won’t be going there to eat or stay and he’ll just drop us off. He told me that he doesn’t like my Mum’s food and doesn’t want to eat it. I know it isn’t his favourite, but he’s eaten it every Christmas for years. I went mad and told him how rude and selfish he is, and he kept on arguing back, and then laughed it off and said he just doesn’t want to eat it and wants to come home and watch Star Wars.

I am so embarrassed and don’t know what to tell my parents.

You have to dump them and be brave/sensible enough to not get into another shit relationship with another shit man.
It's a cliche but you have to valve yourself first. Your time, your health, your money. If you don't value those things then it's very easy to be exploited.

Original poster
Whatslife · 26/12/2024 23:19

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/12/2024 16:14

@Whatslife

Thank you. I’m sorry we are both going through this.

I have read a few posts in which people have said not to let men get away with doing/not doing certain things, but I have no idea how they get the men in their lives to do things. I’ve had the moaning about noise too - rustling of paper and cutting of sellotape or the crunching on the odd crisp while I wrap.

I’ve been in tears again today as he is just being obnoxious. We’re meant to be going to my parents’ house again (his family weren’t Christian and both passed away several years ago, and isn’t in contact with most of the rest of his family). We have done this every Christmas since we’ve had our children so it isn’t a surprise or new arrangement. He told me he would only stay a short while and then pick us up later and I wasn’t happy with this, but he’s wound me up so much that I thought ok fine. My parents rang and asked if he would be coming as they want to know how many to cater for so I told them he’s coming, only for him to announce about half an hour ago very flippantly that he won’t be going there to eat or stay and he’ll just drop us off. He told me that he doesn’t like my Mum’s food and doesn’t want to eat it. I know it isn’t his favourite, but he’s eaten it every Christmas for years. I went mad and told him how rude and selfish he is, and he kept on arguing back, and then laughed it off and said he just doesn’t want to eat it and wants to come home and watch Star Wars.

I am so embarrassed and don’t know what to tell my parents.

I know I have no clue either. It gets his back up if I directly ask him to do something and he simply says he does enough 😂🤣

Im sorry he upset you today. They try and ruin it for us so we don't have a good time with our family. For my birthday this year my sister planned a BBQ, all my siblings with their partners and kids, my mum and dad. I asked him if he was coming and he just said 'no'. No reason or excuse. I used to make up excuses for him but now when they ask me 'what is X doing today?' I just tell the truth 'he's at home doing nothing'. Why protect him. Your family will already know what he's like. Just say it how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatslife · 27/12/2024 08:09

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 10:06

That’s awful OP.

Has there ever been physical abuse too?

So if i understand correctly you are afraid of speaking up because of his (verbal) aggression.

If so you’ve got much worse problems than having to do it all on Christmas day. Its not sustainable or healthy for you and your children to live in a house where you’re walking on eggshells and being controlled in this way.

Perhaps seek help from any trusted friends or family and women’s aid and plan a way forward.

Show quote history

No never physical apart from punching objects around the house. He's brought me to my lowest this year with the emotional abuse. I am getting help but it's a slow process. I worry for the kids if we split and I will not be around when he drip feeds them lies and tries to turn them against the. He is a master manipulator. Even as an adult he gets into my head.

I have great trusted friends and am slowly putting together a plan. I just worry for the kids. Two barely speak to him and I will have to hand them over to him 😭😭. He's barely looked after them by himself as he can't stand it but if course wants 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

OP posts: