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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else feel like an absolute slave today...Christmas day

132 replies

Whatslife · 25/12/2024 22:53

Made breakfast, Xmas lunch, dinner, got kids to bed, tidied up, washed up. All whilst he laid on the sofa. And he's been short tempered and grumpy with the kids all day. I'd already decorated all the house, wrapped all the presents, booked all the Christmas stuff and organised school/club presents/outfits etc.

Now he's gone to bed early as 'he didn't get to watch what he wanted on TV'.

OP posts:
YouZirName · 26/12/2024 08:55

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:48

Basically yes. The one time he'll empty the dishwasher a week he's basically like a stroppy teenager 'why do I have to do this, fucking this, fucking that'.

I am working and also doing all the childcare. Basically if I'm not working I am looking after the children. He's just basically kept the same mindset from when I was on maternity. Regularly tries to get me to give up work 'would be better for the family' 'we don't need the money'. We do we really do. We couldn't even pay the mortgage on his wages.

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

You don't HAVE a family. You have a man who lives with you, and not much more. He doesn't love you or your kids, or he wouldn't be acting like a compkete arsehole, so.. If he doesn't love you, doesn't help.. He's not family.

sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 08:56

You don’t have a family OP, a family should be a team. You have a lazy arsehole who lives in your home, doesn’t love or respect you, and takes advantage.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/12/2024 08:57

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

Maybe start with things that affect him. Does he do his own laundry? Start with not doing the things that will affect him the most first.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 26/12/2024 08:58

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

gently OP that is absolute nonsense

in the case of abuse? Shouting at your children? Is that ok?

really why on Earth would you think that?

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:05

Oh yeah, absolutely. As well as the lead up (so elves, remembering school events, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, advent calendars, writing cards, delivering cards, buying food, decorating house etc etc) I always prepare for what feels like a 24hr kitchen shift.
I asked for 5 minutes help yesterday to carve the meat while I served up all the food and he disappeared to make a phone call.
I finally got to sit down at 5pm when he promptly decided to go to sleep on the sofa.
it does infuriate me but I’ll continue to do what I do for the children but if it was just us two it would be a different story!

Its got to the point where I left all the responsibility of his family’s cards etc up to him. I used to do it all and he did nothing. He still did nothing but had to explain to them why. Guess it’s back to me so they aren’t disappointed.
I’ve just ordered a little Christmas treat in the sales to cheer me up xxx

Sayingitstraight · 26/12/2024 09:06

This not a healthy normal relationship, I have a friend in a similar relationship and she says my marriage is modern because he does his share and we are a team. It's not modern, we are a team. You can do better.

sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 09:08

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:05

Oh yeah, absolutely. As well as the lead up (so elves, remembering school events, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, advent calendars, writing cards, delivering cards, buying food, decorating house etc etc) I always prepare for what feels like a 24hr kitchen shift.
I asked for 5 minutes help yesterday to carve the meat while I served up all the food and he disappeared to make a phone call.
I finally got to sit down at 5pm when he promptly decided to go to sleep on the sofa.
it does infuriate me but I’ll continue to do what I do for the children but if it was just us two it would be a different story!

Its got to the point where I left all the responsibility of his family’s cards etc up to him. I used to do it all and he did nothing. He still did nothing but had to explain to them why. Guess it’s back to me so they aren’t disappointed.
I’ve just ordered a little Christmas treat in the sales to cheer me up xxx

Edited

Presumably it was just the two of you at some point? Did you enable his behaviour then?

Itisjustmyopinion · 26/12/2024 09:15

In my head a family stays together no matter what.

So you would rather put your kids through a childhood where people are walking on eggshells and not enjoying their life just so you can “stay together”. What on earth is that teaching your kids about relationships?

No wonder cycles continue throughout the generations

OP do yourself a favour and more importantly your kids a favour and end this. Let this be the last Christmas that you and your kids spend like this

HardenYourHeart · 26/12/2024 09:22

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:32

Thank you everyone. I feel like I don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. And that men that help are very rare so this is the norm. I'm not sure if this is true either.

I read from various posters that their partners share the load, as they should. But even if you can't find a man to be an actual partner to you, it's better to be single than to live like this. It's better for your kids to live in peace and to see you choose your and their happiness over a shitty relationship.

I speak from personal experience. I grew with a father like this and I am chronically single as a result.

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:22

sweetpickle2 · 26/12/2024 09:08

Presumably it was just the two of you at some point? Did you enable his behaviour then?

Yes, in hindsight, I did. I think because there was less to do and I had more time to do it so I probably felt less resentful about it at the time.

saveforthat · 26/12/2024 09:30

Is anyone else aghast at how many threads like this there are? Not just at Christmas but throughout the year. "Why does my DH/DP do nothing?". Er because you let him.

12purplepencils · 26/12/2024 09:31

It’s so weird, I hosted many times with XH and felt like this, did it myself yesterday and it was so much easier!!

saveforthat · 26/12/2024 09:32

LouH1981 · 26/12/2024 09:05

Oh yeah, absolutely. As well as the lead up (so elves, remembering school events, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, advent calendars, writing cards, delivering cards, buying food, decorating house etc etc) I always prepare for what feels like a 24hr kitchen shift.
I asked for 5 minutes help yesterday to carve the meat while I served up all the food and he disappeared to make a phone call.
I finally got to sit down at 5pm when he promptly decided to go to sleep on the sofa.
it does infuriate me but I’ll continue to do what I do for the children but if it was just us two it would be a different story!

Its got to the point where I left all the responsibility of his family’s cards etc up to him. I used to do it all and he did nothing. He still did nothing but had to explain to them why. Guess it’s back to me so they aren’t disappointed.
I’ve just ordered a little Christmas treat in the sales to cheer me up xxx

Edited

Why is it your responsibility to not disappoint them?

Moonwalkies · 26/12/2024 09:34

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 08:48

Basically yes. The one time he'll empty the dishwasher a week he's basically like a stroppy teenager 'why do I have to do this, fucking this, fucking that'.

I am working and also doing all the childcare. Basically if I'm not working I am looking after the children. He's just basically kept the same mindset from when I was on maternity. Regularly tries to get me to give up work 'would be better for the family' 'we don't need the money'. We do we really do. We couldn't even pay the mortgage on his wages.

I just can't get over the mental block to leave. In my head a family stays together no matter what.

Honestly my ex was like this, life is immeasurably better not just for me, but importantly for DS since I left. His dad no surprise given he is a lazy fucker doesn't see him often, but he's happier, the house is a happier place, i am happier which in turn makes me a better mum; I wouldn't go back to living with a man like that for £££s, genuinely. It's a shame you see this as a family unit when it's not really, it sounds like he does less living with his family than he would as a single man which is frankly pathetic.

nationalsausagefund · 26/12/2024 09:45

I read about a study that showed how children grow up to be in equitable relationships – boys growing up into men who do their fair share; girls growing up into women who won’t stand for cocklodgers – and it’s not to do with seeing their mothers go out to paid work, it’s all to do with seeing their dads do domestic labour. And doing it competently, doing it without mum being the manager and handing over a list of tasks then critiquing them.

You have the chance here to set your children up for a happier life: both now, and in their adulthoods.

For contrast, yesterday I did the dinner and the clear-up (the second part by choice, I love a quiet kitchen and a tidy); while I did that, DP was changing nappies, putting overexcited toddlers down for naps, assembling new toys, refereeing arguments, putting on a wash, keeping track of presents from relatives for thank you letters, etc. We both did a bedtime each and he took over my more difficult one, did the dishwasher, mopped, etc. Neither of us sat down till both of us sat down, IYSWIM; then we ate and watched a film and I went to bed and he did more tidying and prepared the coffee for this morning because I need more sleep. If he wasn’t equal in this with me, I’d do it solo rather than model to my DC that men laze around while women slave. What a lesson!

eklaljdj · 26/12/2024 09:49

Shit husbands are for life, not just for Christmas.

Jennyathemall · 26/12/2024 09:51

saveforthat · 26/12/2024 09:30

Is anyone else aghast at how many threads like this there are? Not just at Christmas but throughout the year. "Why does my DH/DP do nothing?". Er because you let him.

Yes exactly.

Tiswa · 26/12/2024 09:51

This is normal or a family. He has started abusing your son as well so you are staying for him either. You need to leave him and start your own family unit without him

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 09:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

STFU

Being offended on behalf of a historical nameless generation.

It's nothing to do with race, I've done my Ancestry and many of my relatives (the white ones, just to be clear), we're listed as "unpaid domestic servant" from the ages of 10 through to their marriages, not in the house of their family. So STFU, there were many slaves and they weren't all of a different race.

Jennyathemall · 26/12/2024 09:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh look a moron making a moronic post.

MonopolyQueen · 26/12/2024 09:59

My dh pulled his weight and then some. It was busy, and I was shattered by 10pm , but we got through the work and enjoyed ourselves.

my first dp assumed anything that needed doing was down to me, and anything he did had to be pointed out, supervised, and then praised. I was his mum, basically.

but your dp is a different category of lazy selfish toad. A master in his own home who doesn’t lift a finger. It is going to be VERY hard to fix.

I suggest next year you do Christmas very differently - scale everything right down, get the kids to decorate what they can, and help with a simple meal on Xmas day, take the kids out to but their gifts in the Sales on Boxing Day. Leave dh to his own devices.

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 10:02

saveforthat · 26/12/2024 09:30

Is anyone else aghast at how many threads like this there are? Not just at Christmas but throughout the year. "Why does my DH/DP do nothing?". Er because you let him.

Yeah it’s so disheartening.

Ohmych · 26/12/2024 10:04

We both were involved with buying and wrapping presents. I had a day off so had been wrapping all afternoon and he came home from work and joined in with the wrapping. He's capable of cleaning too. I made breakfast and he washed up. He started dinner while I had a nap because I was exhausted and had hardly slept. When I woke up we finished it off together. He washed up and I took all the recycling out to the various bins and swept the kitchen and dining room. Team work makes the dream work.

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 10:06

Whatslife · 26/12/2024 07:57

Yes there is a history of emotional abuse too. The icing on the cake was making my son cry during Xmas lunch yesterday when he threatened to throw his new toy in the bin because he didn't want to stop playing with it.

That’s awful OP.

Has there ever been physical abuse too?

So if i understand correctly you are afraid of speaking up because of his (verbal) aggression.

If so you’ve got much worse problems than having to do it all on Christmas day. Its not sustainable or healthy for you and your children to live in a house where you’re walking on eggshells and being controlled in this way.

Perhaps seek help from any trusted friends or family and women’s aid and plan a way forward.

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/12/2024 10:17

I stayed up very late into the early hours preparing for Christmas for 4 nights in a row - each time, my Husband either went up to bed or sat there watching a film.

I’ve done all of the thinking and searching for presents, as well as the shopping for every single gift - including my own, and then I’ll just deduct the money spent from my half of the mortgage this month. I have also wrapped every single present, except my own, but I had to remind him to do this and he moaned the whole time and kept on saying he hates wrapping up and thinks it’s a load of shite. I’ve bought all the Christmas cards and written them and distributed them. I had to remind him several times for him to buy one for me and Mummy cards from our children, which he bought on Christmas Eve after I’d reminded him again.

I’ve sat with our children and helped them write and post their Father Christmas letters, I decorated the tree and put all the decorations for the room out, put on all the Christmas cushion covers and bedding and arranged the Christmas flowers. I’ve done all the additional tidying too.

I’ve asked him to do 3 things all Christmas: The first was to help put the lights on the tree, and I was kept waiting a day and a half as he was apparently too tired. The second was to help me put the lights on the front of the house (our children have also been asking him too) - he still hasn’t done this and I can’t do it on my own. 3 - to change the batteries in our battery operated lights and a few room decorations - he still hasn’t done this and I’ve been waiting and reminding since 1st December. I’ve even got the battery case and screwdriver sat in the sitting room and he still hasn’t done it and I ended up in tears on Christmas morning in front of him and my children because of his lack of help and initiative throughout the Christmas period.

Most of the things I do for Christmas I wouldn’t ask him to do, as I wouldn’t trust him to get them done or to do them to a good enough standard and I just know he’d leave it so late to do things and our children wouldn’t get lots of presents as they would’ve sold out by the time he tried to order or shops for them.

His contribution to Christmas after me asking for a week: To open 2 new Reed diffusers and put the reeds in - and then he moaned while doing it, to make breakfast on Christmas Day, and to drive us to and from my parents’ house which is a 10 minute drive.

He couldn’t even be bothered to stay with us properly on Christmas Day and eat together. He made us 1 hour late, and then on the way said he’ll be going back home to walk the dogs and get changed and then drive back down for dinner. We’d arrived at 4pm, and he arrived at nearly 6.30pm. My parents wouldn’t wait for him to start eating I’m pleased to say, and so we all ate at around 4.30pm. He stayed until 9pm and then started texting me from across the room asking if we could leave - I ignored him. At 9.15pm he said he thinks we should go home, I said no as we always stay late on Christmas Day and he said he’d go back and take the dogs for a walk and come back and pick us up. He then said if you want to stay later get an Uber. I said no way will we do that, and was so pissed off that he felt this was reasonable.

Every year it has been me doing everything, but he has done the lights and batteries after I’ve asked. He makes us late every year too for my parents, but has always come and eaten with us. I’m really fed up with it. My friend’s husbands either share all the tasks over Christmas or at least contribute without being asked and reminded constantly.