MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

[Forleaznavidad]

My MIL has to turns everything she does into a huge gesture and show and it drives me nuts. A few examples; she and FIL are staying for Christmas. She wanted to give some money to cover food as they’re eating here for every meal for a week inc Christmas dinner, but it has to be a huge gesture and ‘tradition’ she’s passing on - it means DH and I have to be tripping over ourselves to be grateful when I was fully expecting them to contribute in some way to the food costs - why can’t she just say ‘I’ll transfer you £x to cover our food’?

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

Whenever we eat a meal there’s a speech for which we must be thankful to her. Christmas presents are another huge gesture and if we don’t respond appropriately by telling her how grateful we are then she’ll be hurt and in a foul mood all day.

Why is she like this? I know it’s turned into a bit of a rant but it does feel much better to get it out in writing. It drives me nuts!

That sounds irritating. Does she have any nice qualities? If so can you hyper focus on those? The film thing in particular is really weird. Can you tell her that babies don't watch feature length films?

She sounds like she has a bit of main character syndrome.

Meh sounds annoying rather than malicious. My mother in law died a couple of years ago. She had her quirks and I regret having ever got irked. Just smile and don’t overthink

What does she do/say exactly, to make the money thing into a grand gesture ?

I wouldn’t have the patience for that shit.

’No, DDs six months, she needs me and obviously she doesn’t watch movies’

Point out the tradition would be for DD to watch the film with her mum- you.

This.
My FIL has it. He can’t actually be in a room with other people talking in it without telling people to be quiet and listen to him. Literally.

I think the only way of dealing with it is by shutting it down. You obviously are struggling to ignore it so you’ll need to be hard on her.

Gosh, she sounds identical to my own dm. She requires practically a standing ovation for every little thing; it drives me nuts! The worst part is, it doesn't stop there. She will remember these "amazing" things she has done and bring them up again and again eg: remember when I cleaned your bath room (she cleaned a tiny part of some tiles when I moved in a flat almost 2 decades ago), she did nothing else! It doesn't matter what anybody else does for her, she will always focus on what they haven't done. No matter what you do, it isn't enough, yet very little effort on her side is supposed to result in huge praise. She will do things for people they havent asked her to do, then moan later that they haven't appreciated it enough. The old man next door bought her wine for pulling weeds (dm asked him if she could to do this) as it was bothering HER. Dm could see his "messy" garden from hers, and didn't like it. She now repeatedly complains he hasn't kept it nice.

Simple tasks will be dramatised, and overblown, when anybody else would just do it, and not say anything; She still goes on about cooking Christmas dinners, when she hasn't cooked for almost 20 years, amd has been waited on hand and foot. She is only just 70! She generally just makes a huge fuss over every little thing, fussy about the way things are done, and awkwardness. I feel your pain op!

Surely you just said don't be daft mil, dd is 6 months old...?

My MIL does this. She insists on having my eldest dc to stay, tells everyone she knows about how much she is helping me because I'm apparently incapable. If she actually wanted to help me then she would offer (or even say yes when asked) to have my child who sleeps badly to come and stay.

She and FIL also take over with things. My middle son brought a friend over after school when PIL's were also here. Friend's parents come to pick him up and FIL immediately goes galloping down the driveway to meet them and introduce himself while I am doing the usual mum stuff like making sure he has everything he came with, the right blazer etc. So now they probably think PIL are bringing the dc up while me and dh are off our heads on heroin or something.

Well instead of just saying ‘we’ll transfer you £100 to cover food costs’ or something, she keeps saying how she wants to start a tradition of giving us money towards the food when she and FIL come and stay at Christmas (they’re presuming they’ll be coming every year but that’s another conversation!). It annoys me because I think they should contribute but now MIL has made it a thing she expects DH and I to be falling over ourselves to be thankful for this kind gesture, when it’s costing a fair bit more than what they’re giving us to host 2 extra people for a week (FIL likes a drink so we’ll be getting in extra wine) so IMO it’s not a huge gesture or tradition for which we should be so thankful, but it’s just manners?

Well I said, if you ask DH he can put the film on for you now and we can all watch it, but DD doesn’t really watch TV (obviously). She got a bit huffy. When I went downstairs later she said she had chatted with DH and he would put it on for she and DD to watch tomorrow so they can have their tradition.

I don’t care really if she wants to watch a film but why does it have to be a ‘thing’?! DD won’t be watching it anyway!

I just know we’ll never hear the end of this wonderful tradition for Christmases to come…

God this sounds such hard work, and all the more because what can you really say...? And yet it is really annoying and joy-sucking. A bit like watching two small children have a brief funny interaction and enjoying that, but then somebody goes on about how they are now best friends, or girlfriend/boyfriend, and never shuts up about it, and the brief sparkly moment becomes this big heavy adult crap.

I think I'd be gritting my teeth so hard I'd risk cracking a molar. The best option i can think of is to just to react as little as possible and never mention these supposed 'traditions'.

It's attention seeking and sounds like her family have pandered to it. I wouldn't join in if I were you - just say 'yes, that's great thank you' when she offers the money and I would have laughed when she said she wanted to watch a film with a 6 mo old baby!

You’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head - every little interaction or gesture is turned into a ‘thing’ - and as you say the joy is then taken out of it or MIL wants congratulating for it. Like I’ve watched Dancing Fruits with DD a few times but I wouldn’t say we have a tradition!

I couldn’t listen to it. I wouldn’t have them stay for a week anyway that’s for sure

So if she wants to make it a big thing all the time, why not try doing the opposite and totally downplaying what she does. So when she offers money, reply 'oh don't worry Margaret, it's such a token amount it's hardly worth bothering about'.

As for the film, say 'oh you're welcome to watch any film you want, Margaret, but DD is 6 months old, she doesn't watch telly.'

Well I tried that tactic with the film but DH said I had upset her… she was gearing up to make a speech at the Christmas dinner today but I literally couldn’t listen to it so I started clearing the plates. I did feel rude but it didn’t stop her anyway as she banged on her glass to make one later when we were all in the living room!

I couldn't bear this, but then I'm so introverted/ asocial that I took myself off for a bit, several times today... it was just me, DH, our two teens and one other relative. A week with someone like this would be WAY too long, and I'd have snapped something PA about not being a traditional type of family by about day 2! Fuck her weird, made-up 'traditions'.

(So glad my kids were a bit too old for the new 'traditions' of elves and Christmas Eve boxes too! And I won't wear or buy Christmas jumpers... bah humbug! Nah, I love Christmas - just hate being told what to do, wear and buy!)

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem.

It obviously costs more than £100 to host 2 people, one of whom likes a drink, for a week over Christmas. Why has he not told his parents this? Or at least joked 'thanks Mum, that'll cover 1 turkey leg and Dad's wine for today'

The film - why can't he tell his mum she's ridiculous and babies don't watch films? His biggest issue was that you had upset his mum.

He needs to step up fast about how there will not be a tradition of them staying a week every Christmas, £100 barely touched the sides and she is upsetting his wife.

I think it’s time you need to be ‘upset’ and stop half this nonsense.
It’s emotional blackmail!

I would do my best to get DD to be asleep when the appointed time for the film viewing came round.

Just say thanks here are our bank details and end the convo about the money. How long can the chat about it be?!

With the film that’s clearly crazy. Where are you going to go if she’s watching the tv? And insisting on being alone. Maybe your child will be asleep then

My sister is like this. She is very insecure and does this to "seek a connection". It is just a form of seeking validation when she has very little self worth. It is like she is desperately frightened if it isn't tradition then she will be left out or forgotten next year. In an ideal world she would acknowledge this and work on herself. However this will never happen and I just tolerate it by seeing the reason behind it and empathising with that.

I am not sure about your MIL but my sister (who is twelve years older) had a difficult childhood and really threw herself into the role of trying to make everything perfect for us as children. She thinks that she "sees" where something special is needed, because I think she desperately wanted to be seen back then.

I agree it is absolutely as annoying as heck. I just try to put my foot down when it verges into age inappropriate behaviour (like movies that are way above my kids understanding, or going to 'special' restaurants that don't cater for my kids), or when it turns into emotional labour for me and my little family. However most of the time I just remember not everyone's perfect and don't emotionally engage or get caught in the trap.

And she's trying to establish HER traditions in someone else's house?!!
Cheeky, presumptuous mare.