MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

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My MIL has to turns everything she does into a huge gesture and show and it drives me nuts. A few examples; she and FIL are staying for Christmas. She wanted to give some money to cover food as they’re eating here for every meal for a week inc Christmas dinner, but it has to be a huge gesture and ‘tradition’ she’s passing on - it means DH and I have to be tripping over ourselves to be grateful when I was fully expecting them to contribute in some way to the food costs - why can’t she just say ‘I’ll transfer you £x to cover our food’?

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

Whenever we eat a meal there’s a speech for which we must be thankful to her. Christmas presents are another huge gesture and if we don’t respond appropriately by telling her how grateful we are then she’ll be hurt and in a foul mood all day.

Why is she like this? I know it’s turned into a bit of a rant but it does feel much better to get it out in writing. It drives me nuts!

Why do people think they have to to tie around PILs? It's your house. It's your child. Frankly I'd be happy if she wanted to take my baby off my hands for a couple hours - I'd take the opportunity to run a nice bath or read a book or take a nap!
But you don't have to take it - when she goes on about transferring the money say 'thanks but you haven't done it yet, do you need my bank details'? And don't keep thanking her - once is enough (after all is she thanking you repeatedly for having her to stay? For cooking and cleaning constantly)? If she says it will be an annual tradition just say 'we have no idea what we are doing next year and might go away'. Say it's a tradition you want to start with your family.
If she wants to make a speech then fine but just smile and nod and switch the topic when she's done. The speech should be thanking you and her son for giving them such a nice Christmas!

I think I would start laughing if my MIL started clinking a glass to make a speech when you are having a perfectly ordinary Christmas dinner.

I agree with whoever said this is a DH problem, he's scared of his mum and ends up pandering to her silliness. I think in an ideal world, you would cut her some slack and he would step in if it was becoming inappropriate or putting more work on you.

I would have difficulty keeping a straight face and not taking the piss though, I mean watching a film with a 6 month old, they can hardly focus on the screen!

I have a MIL like this, which is why we don’t see them at Christmas any more.

she used to insist on giving us £100 in saving stamps for a supermarket that wasn’t near us, when she knew we always do our food shop online, you could only use the stamps instore in between certain dates so it was inconvenient to have to drive quite far to a supermarket we don’t usually go to at the busiest time of the year, we used to just use them to stock up on booze for the year. She would then tell anyone who’d listen that she ‘always pays for our Christmas dinner’ and we’d have to be ever so grateful or she’d sulk. As soon as we moved to a town closer to the supermarket she stopped giving us the stamps, when they probably would be more useful now 🙄

There's some odd people about.
Self important waffle - I love Christmas but if I pulled half the crap some of these parents pulled on their adult children and their families, I wouldn't get invited anywhere.
Tell them to get a life .... do they any other friends?
Is that why they try and control the narrative to feel some sort of self import control.
They need a hobby.

She's insisting on being alone with baby? Why is that so very important? It's creepy. For some phony tradition. What an odd woman. I wouldn't let they even get off the ground at all ever.

Yep.
Besides, a 6 month old baby doesn't watch films. And MIL doesn't need to be alone with her to watch a film. By demanding to have her alone, she's exerting dominance over you. Taking your baby off you for her own stupid reasons is showing you that she's as important in your baby's life than you, her mum. She's doing it for herself, not to benefit the baby.

Also, something a person has just decided to do isn't a tradition. She's ridiculous.

She's an attention seeker and wants to be the most important person in the family. And your husband is making it worse by pandering to her. He shouldn't be going behind your back to agree to his mother's absurd private film-watching session with your baby. Be careful, he's likely to continue undermining you if he wants to pander to his mummy.

If my MIL wanted to take my child for the afternoon I would happily accept it and use that time wisely. We have had zero offers from our parents over the years so I'd make the most of it.

I would not have expected a financial contribution for the dinner, so I'd be grateful for that too (I think, for a lot of people, it wouldn't even occur to them to offer). Actually, to be honest, I think I'd refuse it.

I do appreciate that she's showboating though. I have an aunt a bit like this - laying down the law and this is how it's going to be. Not in a nasty way, but just likes to show you that she's in charge and this is how she wants it. Seems to be a lack of self awareness. I can see how this would be irritating from the MIL if you're confined to days of it together. All the more reason to take her up on her offer and give yourself a break. It does sound a bit like cabin fever - cooped up together and personalities clashing.

My DM can be like that.

For example, she and other family members were treated to a meal out by me and my DP. She bought a round of drinks and somehow squeezed more thanks and appreciation out of that "let me pay my way" gesture than I did for footing a massive restaurant bill!

My 6 month old wouldn't even watch the tidler on bbc1 for 20 minutes so I'm not sure how she thinks your DD will watch a whole move. It seems like she likes to be in control.... well, you are the mother now and she, the grandma and you are making your own traditions. Doesn't like it, go home.

I swear most of the moms who post on here sound exactly like that.

OK, your MIL is a total drama queen (slightly enabled by her son) - I would find it very difficult not to challenge the "watching the old film tradition"!
I would comment that
(a) if it's a tradition, then watch the bloody film with your own son like you did when he was a child - the "tradition" is "watch with mummy" not with granny.
(b) I would not want a child set in front of a screen for 90 minutes at that age!

but it didn’t stop her anyway as she banged on her glass to make one later when we were all in the living room!
Oh, I love this 🤣Surely it was to thank her hosts though?

My MIL is a bit like this. She brought my son a toy for his birthday that was similar to a toy my husband used to play with. She is constantly going on about how my son does just what his dad used to do, except he doesnt. It’s forced. He does it because she literally sits there and makes him do it. When he play with the toy on his own he never uses it in that way. Lots of stuff like that. Harmless but very annoying.

What does she say during her dinner speeches?

Im assuming she isn't expecting you all to go out somewhere while she watches her film? I'd refuse that, but also I'd be damned if I had to sit in the kitchen for an hour+ while she is "alone" with your baby.

In the meantime you need to have a calm chat with your DH about him enabling his DM. If you're unhappy about something he needs to be backing you up.

I would definitely make sure I was in and out of the living room/not creeping around in my own home for the whole movie thing. I’d tidy up around them etc. 😁

But I wouldn’t because it wouldn’t happen in the first place.

We have ‘one of them’ in our family - they expect you to do a million things that are not a bit important to my DH - as ‘it’s tradition’ in their family??????

Am usually more than happy to go along with any of them that DH wants to do as it’s nice to keep a tradition going if it’s meaningful to him - but he doesn’t give a shiny shit about most of these so called ‘traditions’ and as long as he gets some Cadbury buttons and an orange in his stocking he is happy as that is the one tradition from his childhood that he really remembers and keeps up both for him and now our kids!!!!

interestingly ‘Mrs tradition’ sees no relevance and has no interest in keeping up any of my family traditions - ie in my family we always had 1 small present we were allowed to open on Christmas Eve. There is a very significant and beautiful reason behind this and she knows it - but sheis totally scornful of this and loudly declares that everyone should wait until Christmas Day to open presents - totally pissing on my family traditions…

It sounds like your MIL is trying to keep something going that matters to her - but is borderline obsessive about it and frankly a bit much! These people obsessed with ‘traditions’ seem only to see the world from their standpoint and have no respect that others might do it differently.

you have your own family and your own traditions will evolve - don’t let her bully you into keeping up her things - she had her time when hers were younger - it’s your time now to make or combine your own traditions within your family with your child and husband.

I'd never invite someone to stay and then expect a contribution to it. That being said, she obviously has main character syndrome.

Set some boundaries, clear ones.

My MIL is like this - she is unable to do anything without making it about her. For example, she did some colouring once for about half an hour with DS1 and this has turned into 'I taught him to write' and she mentions it any time he does well at something (we've stopped sharing that sort of info). Slightly tangential, but this was at DS2's christening, and she refused to talk to my family and just sulked and pretended to teach DS1 writing the entire time.

In her case (and, I suspect, most cases of poor boundaries and vicarious credit-taking), I suspect she is autistic has had developed some shit coping mechanisms, so it presents as a cluster B personality disorder. Needless to say, we see PILs rarely.

My father was a bit like this, making a huge drama, performance and grand gesture out of pretty minor things. In his case, it was so that he could imagine we had this fabulous, perfect, TV sitcom-esque family dynamic where we all have such wonderful experiences together, without having to actually work on relationships or do anuthing about the fact that our dynamic was in fact abusive and toxic. It was also part of a wider picture of wanting to control everybody, have final say over every narrative and massage his self image (like a PP said, main character syndrome).

Might not be the case with your MIL, but that was it for him. When you're prioritising performative perfection over the actual reality of daily life, something is amiss somewhere.

Every time she says 'tradition' say 'that's a lovely gesture, thank you, now I'm putting the kettle on/off to bleed a radiator/need the loo/any other boring task' and take yourself off and don't let her take over.

These are very wise words. My SIL is similarly irritating. It used to press all my buttons when we met up with siblings and spouses ( husband is one of 5). I decided to just sit back and observe and just let it flow over me. It's harder when it's MIL but the same principle applies. One day all these things will be gone and you will be able to laugh with your children about the time when granny did x y z.

I find people with main character syndrome the most annoyingly boring people. I'd find it hard to stomach it too.

she keeps saying how she wants to start a tradition of giving us money towards the food when she and FIL come and stay at Christmas (they’re presuming they’ll be coming every year but that’s another conversation!

I would be saying, ‘thanks for the contribution for the booze-that’s great. I’m not sure about tradition though-I don’t want to host Christmas and everyone for a week from now until the dawn of time-I think I’ll want a year off/away next year!’

BUT, you need to get DH on board here as I suspect your MIL will cry/sulk and DH will reassure her that of course you will host them for a week at Xmas until they die.

Do you have a DH problem?

When she talks about the ‘tradition’, ask more about it. ‘So, did DH’s gran used to watch the film with you and then when he was born, watch it with him? How does the tradition work exactly? I thought it was a mother/child thing?’

Where is she expecting the rest of the family to sit during this ‘film hostage’ situation?

This was a terribly kind post, and I thought very well of you whilst reading.

My mother in law does this too!
Anytime my baby does any normal baby behaviour she attributes it to her side of the family. Even announces it as oh its the 'insert family name' clap. All babies do that.

Apparently nothimg comes fron my side. Haha am like i used to stick my tongue out too