MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

[Forleaznavidad]

My MIL has to turns everything she does into a huge gesture and show and it drives me nuts. A few examples; she and FIL are staying for Christmas. She wanted to give some money to cover food as they’re eating here for every meal for a week inc Christmas dinner, but it has to be a huge gesture and ‘tradition’ she’s passing on - it means DH and I have to be tripping over ourselves to be grateful when I was fully expecting them to contribute in some way to the food costs - why can’t she just say ‘I’ll transfer you £x to cover our food’?

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

Whenever we eat a meal there’s a speech for which we must be thankful to her. Christmas presents are another huge gesture and if we don’t respond appropriately by telling her how grateful we are then she’ll be hurt and in a foul mood all day.

Why is she like this? I know it’s turned into a bit of a rant but it does feel much better to get it out in writing. It drives me nuts!

NPD

What's your husband's take on his mother's behaviour? Was he upset at her being upset - or amused / exasperated / perplexed / sympathetic / oblivious / something else? I'd honestly be expecting him to step up and manage his parents' behaviour in your/his home.

I think I would have to be putting a stop to this.

'Margaret, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop making such a song and dance over everything. It really sucks the fun and spontaneity out of life, trying to force every little thing into becoming some sort of 'tradition'. Please don't, thank you.'

Yes, she'll huff and there will be 'an atmosphere'. But I'm not sure that's any worse in the long run to the atmosphere she is creating. And it might serve to lay the ground that coming to yours for Christmas is NOT going to be the default.

I am sorry but this made me laugh! 😂 I feel for you.

@Forleaznavidad Why are you rolling over and taking this bullshit OP?! Put your foot down! You do realise what has actually happened is you've been banished from your own living room and from your own baby, just to avoid making another person uncomfortable......Even though it likely made you feel uncomfortable 😳

Your house your rules!

Book to go away next Christmas right now. You’ll be tied into these ‘traditions’ if you let her have her way. Break them down as soon and as thoroughly as you can so she can’t hold them over you.

OP, tell DH this has been too much for you and you will not be hosting them next year. He maybe doesnt see how annoying she is as he’s grown up with her but he cant expect you to play host for every Christmas when she’s like this!
Either he needs to grow some balls and give her an outright no, or you need to make other plans for Xmas - going away or other family (yours) come to stay so there’s no room.

@Forleaznavidad she's a narcissist. My mother in law is exactly the same. Am absolutely nightmare. Very generous but comes with 'look at me, look what I have done,

She gave us money for the wedding and don't we know about it

She looked after our children before they went to school and she tells us how much money she has saved us

She makes our birthday cakes and stands by it throughout the duration of the entire party so she can tell people she made it. Grandma made it!

My husband knows how much I can't stand her. Not sure how long you have been together but we are closing in on 15 years and it dosenr get better I'm sorry. I would happily cut her out of my life if it wasn't for my husband and our 2 girls

Hmm it's a bit crass to just trot out the 'you'll be sorry when they're dead' line everytime someone wants to vent a little about an irritating relative. My parents both died youngish when I was early/mid 40s and I wouldn't dream of saying that if friends are having a little moan about annoying in laws/parents.

Plus I'd say having any relative to stay for a week (especially when you have a 6 month old!) is just far too long. Make your own plans for next year. Tell her what dates you're free (2 nights max) and invite her when it suits you or you will be stuck doing this every year and you will come to dread it. Go on holiday. book a cottage. invite nice friends to visit etc etc. Start making your own family traditions with your DD. Your MIL should fit round your life.

My MIL does this to cover up for her short-comings. It directs all the focus on what she wants us to see as she’s worried we will see the “real” her.
my “real” MIL is a narcissist who abandoned one of her children (my husband) for 2 years whilst she ran off with another man.
I’m sure you’re MIL is nowhere near that extreme but maybe it would help to start to link things to understand what’s really going on.

maybe they’re short of money or your MIL is embarrassed she doesn’t work (maybe she does work? Obviously I have no idea) and the payment is to direct attention to where she wants it. Maybe she’s secretly feeling inadequate because you do work and she never did. (Again I’m making assumptions). Perhaps she wishes she could’ve been like you when she had her children.

then there’s just the possibility she has an undiagnosed neurodiverse condition and she has no social skills so she’s just doing what she thinks is “normal”. Maybe that’s why FIL drinks so much wine - it’s his way of coping.

My MIL loves to do this! He even holds hands like my OH apparently.... I held back the vomit.

I would have fun with this! Your traditional Dancing with fruit time with DD where noone is allowed in the living room. And this is your traditional bottle moment (with speech!). And at 1 you have the annual December 29th naptime, and they should all remain silent, contemplating the value of her naps, while DD sleeps... you get the idea...

Sounds like you have a bit of a DH problem.

You really need to stand up for yourself and so what if MIL gets the hump?

Definitely plan to do something completely different next Christmas.

I think a one week stay was too long - limit guests to 3 days. Anyone will bug you after that.

😂😂😂 hilarious that she wants to watch a movie with a six month old baby

And also banging on the table to make a speech

Suggest you go there next year for two nights or so?

Because that's who she is, a flawed human being with some traits that will irritate you, which I'm sure is the case in reverse. But unless you want to cause upset and tension or put your DH in an uncomfortable position by constant moaning about someone he loves, you roll your eyes and keep your powder dry. Because these things are something and nothing. She's contributing to the food. She's amusing DD for you for a couple of hours. You can choose to focus on the positives or choose to allow yourself to be irritated by her annoying ways. But one leads to a more pleasant and relaxed experience than the other. You will also be taken more seriously if there are any big issues than you will if you complain about the little things.

My parents and my in-laws often stay for a week or more at a time. I wouldn't dream of asking them for money towards the food; nor would any of my friends with theirs.
I can't believe how much hate and distain you have for your PIL who are trying to have a relationship with their GC!
No your GD won't remember watching the film with her GM this year or for a few years - but in years to come it'll definitely become a thing that she remembers. Me and my GM always watched "The Snowman". Me and my Mum always watch "It's a wonderful life" Me and my kids always watch "Mickey's once upon a Christmas" My mum and kids watch "twice upon a Christmas"

this is how im picturing your MIL

a speech at xmas dinner... ffs does she think she is the queen?

I would be saying, ‘thanks for the contribution for the booze-that’s great. I’m not sure about tradition though-I don’t want to host Christmas and everyone for a week from now until the dawn of time-I think I’ll want a year off/away next year!’

Brilliant suggestion from @Shinyandnew1

I understand the wanting recognition thing. I gave Christmas money to my three nephews yesterday. They are rude and never look up from their phones. I knew if I gave them their cards with money in whilst we were on our own, I wouldn’t get so much of a grunt of thanks. So yeah, I waited till all the family were there and said ‘Oh boys, I’ve got something for you!’ In a loud voice. Yeah I do want recognition for giving the best part of a hundred quid to three ungrateful nearly adults.

My MIL gives shit presents every year, but I gush about how wonderful they are and oooh aren’t we lucky to get a scarf from Asda! How wonderful Jean! Ooh I shall wear this on the school run! Inside I’m thinking ‘that’ll be on Vinted by News Years Day.’ It’s just keeping the peace.

I just want to know what the film is!

But it sounds really annoying. I had a grandmother who firmly positioned herself as the Family Matriarch and everyone had to re-organise themselves into fitting her vision of herself. Or suffer for it.

I also hate the family comparisons - my maternal side had 2 sisters who married 2 brothers and another sister who married a cousin a few generations back so everyone is interrelated in a number of ways. Everything is 'Oh you have inherited the HeadChef hair. The HeadChef interest in rollerskating.. The HeadChef arthritis' etc. It drives me crazy, It sounds trivial I fully appreciate, but it's all the little annoyances that in the end make you want to kill something (The HeadChef homicidal tendancies' perhaps).

I am really sorry OP. Queen Bee (MIL) has been trying to position herself on the family throne! Don't let her get too comfortable or there will be no shifting her!!! Take control and treat her like a baby a little.."sit down dear. it's ok leave it to us young ones,you rest" take away her power and you will be ok. Alternatively send her home with a goodie bag cos you know how tiring it can be with dealing with baby!! Kill her with faux kindness,get shut of her and be unavailable in the years going forward regarding Christmas plans!
I too have one of these and she gets 2 hrs of my time, do I feel guilty? Absolutely not one iota!

I'd let her be upset, she won't bother coming next time. Problem solved.

We’ve had a similar experience so I sympathise with you OP, and the PPs with main character MILs.

‘Bringing a showstopper’ to your meal? Taking toddlers to age inappropriate ‘fancy restaurants’? Giving polite and solid reasons why it won’t go as perfectly she imagines only results in being accused of being ungrateful.

It helped me when I realised it was rooted in insecurity. That helped me reframe my thinking and lessen the irritation. A little!

As the kids get older they have clocked her behaviour independently and sweetly or cheekily challenged it.

I also agree, three days max. for visitors, and you’re a hero for managing a week with a baby.