MIL makes everything into a grand gesture

[Forleaznavidad]

My MIL has to turns everything she does into a huge gesture and show and it drives me nuts. A few examples; she and FIL are staying for Christmas. She wanted to give some money to cover food as they’re eating here for every meal for a week inc Christmas dinner, but it has to be a huge gesture and ‘tradition’ she’s passing on - it means DH and I have to be tripping over ourselves to be grateful when I was fully expecting them to contribute in some way to the food costs - why can’t she just say ‘I’ll transfer you £x to cover our food’?

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

Whenever we eat a meal there’s a speech for which we must be thankful to her. Christmas presents are another huge gesture and if we don’t respond appropriately by telling her how grateful we are then she’ll be hurt and in a foul mood all day.

Why is she like this? I know it’s turned into a bit of a rant but it does feel much better to get it out in writing. It drives me nuts!

@CynicalSunni your reply made me laugh because I wonder if we have the same MIL. Everything is the same”daddy this”, the “aunty Jo that”. She actually spent months digging up a photo of a very distant relative to prove my son got one of his features from their side of the family. A feature he very clearly shares with a much closer relative - ME! 😂

Time to tell your DH that you were and are upset that his mother isn't hearing what you're saying - so '"tradition" or not, your child doesn't sit down and watch television like other kids so her trying to make this a thing isn't going to work as you know your child better than she does.
Why does her 'upset' trump yours???

Not everything has to be a "tradition".

Actually, if you can find it, I'd be tempted to sit MiL down to watch "Fiddler on the Roof" (at least the opening number which surprisingly is called "Tradition" 😆) and then leave the room to go off to start making a snack or something and keep popping back but only for short times.

she keeps saying how she wants to start a tradition of giving us money towards the food when she and FIL come and stay at Christmas (they’re presuming they’ll be coming every year but that’s another conversation!)

Sounds like she’s trying to be clever by trying to make it an unchangeable fact that you and DH will host them every year.

Don’t fall for it. Make other plans for Christmas next year that do not include them.

Do not get stuck into this rut. She sounds obnoxious and unbearable.

@PrincessFairyWren - thanks for your post, saved me writing an essay! Absolutely nailed it.

What did she say in her speech?!

What I would find the most annoying is that you said no to her watching a movie with your DD alone and she then went behind your back and talked to your DH to get her way.

I agree with PP it sounds like she wants to be a star of the show.

I would stay my ground on watching TV alone with DD. And I would expect your DH to back you on this.

She doesn't need to close herself in a room with your 6 months old DD to watch a movie, especially when you offered for all of you to watch together.

You need someone to laugh with about this. She means no harm but this behaviour is a bit bonkers.

It's so she can demand to do it every year alone. I would ignore the huffing and just do what you want. If she's starting this kind of nonsense at 6 months I'm sure she'll be adding additional nonsense over the years so best to hold boundaries early. It isn't a tradition anyway, it's a film she watched with her son. She's trying to enforce a new tradition that hasn't started and doesn't have to.

I wouldn’t even have her over every year.

Yeah I wouldn't allow this. My mum started out obsessed with always getting my kids alone, it's turned into an utter headache over the years as the demands increase and she's never happy.

I would make it clear to DH this isn’t going to be a yearly tradition. It would be different if mil wasn’t annoying, but DH must realise that with the speeches etc she sounds ridiculous!!! I would also interrupt the film alone time and make it clear she isn’t reliving her tradition with your child it’s just weird!

You need to make plans for next year asap.

Sounds like a Toxic family set up.
Central toxic family member who controls everyone around them with demands and kicks off when people don't "obey"

don't emotionally engage or get caught in the trap
Great advice from PP
It's a game where she makes controlling demands , step out of the game
When she wangs on about money reply " thank you" and then change the subject, remember something from the kitchen, pop to the loo etc
Her " tradition" reply neutrally but firmly that's lovely MIL, but not our tradition
DD is asleep right now " cup of tea?"
"Oh gosh look its raining, snowing"
Keep yourself calm and balanced and non reactive
She wants reaction so that she can play her victim game and everyone else you are wrong.
Neutral phrases all the way and limit the time you spend with her

I think the thing that makes it irritating is that she doesn't check things out with you - eg she doesn't ask whether she can create a tradition with your daughter, she tells you that she is going to. She doesn't ask how much contribution she can make, she tells you what the contribution will be. And so on. It's very hidden behind the seeming kindness and sweetness of the gestures and traditions. She also undermines you with your dh by going to him when you put a boundary in place. You need to have a word with your dh and somehow change the dynamic so it's clear that you also have a say in what happens. You need to reply in a way that makes it clear you are in charge of dd and involved in decisions about money eg 'oh thank you £100 would be lovely, that won't quite cover everything so do you think you could also bring some wine and a pudding?'

I think you need to make it quite clear asap that you don’t know what you’re doing next year, might see your family etc because clearly mil thinks next Christmas is going to be an exact repeat of this Christmas….

I think you need Christmas as a family of 3 next year. It was nice to have everyone while the baby was little, but next year DD will be a bit more aware and you want to celebrate in your own family unit and have your own traditions take centre stage.

You’ve done a full week this year, it’s only completely fair you alternate. Next Christmas is for your family or yourselves. Not ILs. MIL needs to learn she isn’t centre of the universe

Sounds like my stepmother, who likes to keep up an enthusiastic running commentary on everything that’s happening, so all eyes are on her and no one can enjoy the moment: “Oh, LOOK, DS: it’s your birthday cake! Wow! We’re all singing happy birthday, aren’t we?!” Well, you’re not actually, you’re talking over everyone else singing happy birthday to ask a stupid question of a two-year-old.

Another example there’s a traditional Christmas film she wants to watch as she watched it with DH when he was little. It was on catchup so I said we would put it on. Nope, MIL must watch it alone with my DD to ‘keep the tradition’ even though DD is 6 months old and doesn’t really watch TV. She’s asked if I can leave her alone with DD tomorrow afternoon so they can watch it. Again does it have to be a big deal?

It’s all really annoying but this ^ would piss me off the most because family traditions shouldn’t exclude anyone- the idea should be to extend them to everyone else who wants to join in. Also your 6 month old baby does not give a shit about this movie, she won’t watch and understand it and will either want to sleep or be entertained in some other way. Will granny throw a tantrum at her too?

They ALL do it then! My Mil insisted my children were a copy of my DH besides them looking quite different from each other..

Oh yes MIL does do this as well, if DD rolls over ‘oh Daddy used to roll over at 6 months’, if she’s looking at something it’s because she’s going to have the same career as Daddy or worse, as FIL!

That sounds really insufferable OP, MIL should leave her traditions for her own hosting, you are a young family you will be making your own. Unbelievable cheeky of MILto think you will host next year too. Do you have family? You might want to spend Christmas Day with them or on your own.

Is DD her first grandchild and what is she like in other respects? Plenty of grandparents will see their own children in grandchildren and it can be hard not to comment on the similarities, even if its boring as hell to everyone else - DGPs can suffer from PFB just like parents.

If this is her only annoying feature then I'd just roll my eyes and get on with it. Most of us have our idiosyncracies which annoy others - it doesn't need pathologising into syndromes and toxic families most of the time where an eye roll or conversation is all that is needed.

If its actually causing strife and problems in the family or if there is something else going on as well then that would be different.

Unbelievably tedious.
Shorten the visits and put your foot down.

She sounds like a sulky huffy brat.
Zero tolerance is the way to go.

My friend had a similar MIL and told her husband straight out. I don't like your mother, she clearly doesn't like me, I will avoid her as much as possible and I will not be hosting. You are on your own. I will take the children away when she is visiting if it suits me.

Took two years of this for MIL to calm down and my friend to be occasionally in the house when she visits.
Her husband does all the hosting and catering.
Her MIL thinks she is a disgrace but she is very very wary of her to her face.

My friends sister's in law think she is a legend.😁

Start as you mean to go. Pull back and grey rock her tedious traditions and demands. Ignore huffy behaviour completely. Be clear with your husband you will go and stay with your family so he can spend quality time with HIS mother.

"Sorry MIL but you've had your family traditions with your own child (DH) so if we're watching Christmas movies, I will be watching with my own child"

in all honesty, I'd just tell your DH that you want your own traditions from now on so you will see his parents the week after Christmas from now on.

The thing about traditions is that they are supposed to revolve organically over time, and without noticing they become traditions. You don’t just declare them after doing them once.
I think you need to nip some of these ‘traditions’ in the bud - they aren’t traditions they are events/ behaviours your MIL is inflicting on you with no discussion or consideration if other people want to do them too. If not you will end up hosting them every Xmas, in addition to DDs birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc as I’m sure MIL will invent a tradition For them too.