To be pissed because my kids keep hurting me by jumping on me when I'm sitting on the sofa

[getoffff]

At my wits end with this one...

The rare moment I get to sit down, they climb and jump all over me and accidentally pull my hair and smash their little elbows into their chest.

It fucks me off so much. Just get out of my space !!!

They're 4 and 2. Then they decide to chase each other around and also just keep jumping near me / on me. I feel like I have to shied myself, when I'm sitting on my sofa. EuGH !!

They only stop if I shout really loudly. They pretty much only react to that. If I say things more quietly, they just continue.

If I put them in time out/ take toys away etc. they just continue. The only way to get them to stop is to shout quite loudly.

Shouting's fine and perfectly normal. Anyone who thinks not isn't being realistic/doesn't live in real life (and you're teaching your kids that noone'll shout at them if they're truly pissed off - yeah right!)

ps: I don't shout often (to keep it in reserve - so they'll know when i'm really not up for it)

I never let my kids jump on the furniture or me so it was never a problem.

Every time they do it, get hold of them, get up and put them on the floor with a firm No

I suppose that also, the 4 year old wouldn't be scooting or riding toys round the house either
The toddler would have had ride-ons but they can't get up much speed.

Your house doesn't need to be a play park. That's what outside is for

Will they do jobs with you if you ask them too? Like would they help you peg out washing or put toys away or use a toy vacuum while you use the real one. It’ll probably make the jobs slower but it beats having them jump off the sofas.
I really don’t think you’re doing anything wrong OP. Toddlers just like climbing and jumping and have seemingly infinite energy. Being consistent that jumping on you is not allowed and causes an instant negative reaction/age appropriate consequence and redirection to something else should reduce the frequency but it’s tiring and frustrating however you deal with it.

@shoogalypeg

eh? Have you been drinking?
OP will miss being physically hurt?!

Yep - it's sensory seeking and very common with little kids.

I agree with this. They're still young, but not too young to start learning that Mum is a human being who can be hurt by rough treatment, not a piece of soft play equipment that they can jump on. Shouting won't work when they're excited and jumping around. You need to physically stop them, firmly. When they understand that they won't get their fun because you'll calmly stop them and put them back on the floor every time, they'll lose interest.
Practise a bored, dull expression as you do it too. They need to get no reaction from you other than "no" and stopping them doing it.
As for "you'll miss it" 🙄 Of course you won't! most certainly don't miss the less pleasant aspects of the baby and toddler stages, like having my hair pulled or being stomped on!

@PheasantPluckers

yeah, why not? Kids are tough.

Mine get removed from a room if they can’t be in it and behave nicely while I’m sitting down in it. They also don’t get positive attention from hurting themselves in the course of doing something they’ve been told not to do or know they shouldn’t be doing 🤷🏻‍♀️ you’re right though, it’s just an age thing that it sounds like your older one is already growing out of. You could get them onside with stopping the younger one from doing things you don’t like, my 3 year old often takes instructions from my 5 year old before he’ll take them from us! I also agree that it’s ridiculous and unrealistic when people post on these threads to say they should be playing outside for four hours every day.

@TheFunHare

i bet she doesn’t do that to her mates when at school though

Coats on?

I used to shoo mines out the door. The sitting room is for sitting the playroom is for playing. Strategic bureau and chair tucked away in the hall where I could hear everyone when they were smaller but sort of boxed in so couldn’t climb on me

I wonder if a den would be a good idea. Sheet, fairy lights cushions and some teddies. I’d be tempted to put a panto on iplayer and have some tea.

Fending them off isn't the same as removing them though. You haven't described doing this at all in previous posts, and when combined with all the weak-sounding phrases you listed using upthread, it sounds like you're not being particularly firm or quick to shut down the behaviour.
I see this in DH, who does much like what you are describing and gets the same treatment from our DCs (and at 8 & 10yo it hurts a lot more than 4 & 2!). He lets them get away with climbing all over him for a while, then issues a few weak grumbles until they eventually really hurt him, at which point he shouts very loudly leaving the DCs confused and in tears. It does not stop them doing it again though. Funnily enough, they wouldn't dream of jumping on me because they know I won't accept it. At your DCs' ages, there would be no fending off, they would be swiftly removed from the room if they did it.

Why ever not? My kids were always out playing all year round. Unless there is an a weather warning such as high winds, torrential rain etc there is no reason for them not going out to play. They will be out all year round at nursery and school. Some nursery's round here are outdoor all the time with only a small shed for inclement weather.

No you don’t miss them jumping on you. I promise. Miss cuddles yes or snuggles but jumping on you - no. Mine are over 10 years older than the OP and I’m pleased to say they don’t jump on me and I don’t miss it.

Do you not have coats? Hats? Gloves and scarfs?

When my kids do this (just turned 5( they are told it hurts and they are moved. They say sorry. I tell them thank you, it's ok, it was an accident. I usually get a kiss on my hurt bit.

I do think you need to be more directive with moving them off you .

If the only way they'll behave at 2 and 4 is you screaming at them, it isn't going to get easier with time op.

We never cuddled like that when I was at school! And she'll still equate her parents as larger and stronger than her Vs peers so will act differently anyway.

Use a small bell, whistle or Kazoo. Have a play box handy with a selection of age appropriate picture books, puzzles and quiet floor toys.

Whenever you need a quiet rest on the sofa, blow the whistle or ring the bell and announce 'quiet time.' Try to stick to just once a day to start with.

Set a timer for 5 minutes that the children can see. Encourage whispering and quiet play on the floor only, or at a child's table during that duration from the toys in the playbox. You could also provide a small snack.

Whoever manages to entertain themselves quietly and calmly receives your praise and small reward - eg: choosing the bedtime story for that day or a small toy to play with for the day from a special reward box of unusual or highly desirable toys that is just kept for this purpose; or 10 minutes of play with you.

Increase the time on the timer by 10 seconds each day.
Eventually you can replace daily rewards with daily points or stars which can be accumulated for weekly rewards.
Essentially replacing one unwanted behaviour with a new expectation and reward, and teaching how to behave in the time you're on the sofa.

There are a lot of non parents, both men and women, on this site and you can really tell at times.

I have a 2 & a 3 year old. My 2 year old literally will not sit on the sofa like a normal child. He has to stand on it and he’ll dig his elbow into your chest whilst he does so. He is ALWAYS jumping on me, falling all over me and doing whatever other nonsense he wants to do. Some young children are just like that. You spend the whole time sitting on the sofa and guarding yourself away from them, it’s ridiculous.

As for having your children outside for hours at a time. Be serious

Strongly recommend PE Bowman Ninja workouts on YouTube, put it on the TV if possible and get them to do that instead. There are loads of them.

Your kids sound like my kids, I sympathise.

Getting jumped on and elbowed? I don't miss that at all!! I miss some of the nice bits of mine being little, but not the bad behaviour and not getting 5 minutes to myself!

Also I'm afraid mine are 9 and 6 now and wrestling on the sofa remains their favourite activity. Do move any coffee tables etc away, we've had to go to a&e for facial stitches twice!

Definitely park trips when you can and otherwise the fun kids workout videos on YouTube.

Ignore all the holier than though parents OP. I completely get you. My 5 year old is like this and it drives me mental. It’s not that he needs to run off the energy, it’s that the energy never effing stops. He can be 2 hours out at football training in the morning and an hour and a half out at the park after lunch and still bouncing off the walls.

I find standing up in the kitchen drinking a glass of wine takes the edge off a little 🍷

It’s not that he needs to run off the energy, it’s that the energy never effing stops. He can be 2 hours out at football training in the morning and an hour and a half out at the park after lunch and still bouncing off the walls. you’ve just described my four year old too!