Exh left kids alone - handhold

[userfriendly55]

NC for this.

my 2 children have just got home from a weekend with their dad. My eldest who is nearly 10 told me that their dad left them in his house to go to the Tesco express in his village. It is very close to his house but by the time he would have got there, done the shopping and got back I estimate he’d have left them for a good 25 minutes. our youngest is nearly 7.

He has done this before a couple of years ago. I went mad and exh promised not to do it again. Yet here we are. I know they are older now so I’m not quite as angry but I’m still a bit angry and upset. Our youngest is very accident prone. The irony is is that my exh is supposedly very risk averse and hasn’t been taking them out of the house much because of the storms, but thinks it is ok to leave a not yet 7 year old home alone!!

I have started to leave our nearly 10 year old for short periods to build up independence but I have NEVER left the younger one too.

AIBU to be angry still? I just don’t know what to do or say. If I message ex we will end up just arguing and I’m not convinced it will achieve anything.

She did post their real ages.

It's fine. I do it with my DS10 all the time. Its important to build independence like this. He goes to school and the park etc. on his own, so why not stay at home on his own for a couple of ours? No phone either but we have discussed what he is and isn't allowed to do and what he should do in certain emergency situations.

I really can't see the issue.

This is not normal. Is your 7yo NT?

9 and 6 is crazy. He would be prosecuted for neglect if anything happened.

it looks like the consensus is that I am BU. thanks, all, lots to think about.

Presumably you have a landline though rather than leaving your young child alone without a way of contacting the emergency services if needed?

You're not. They are nine and six,. without a landline and accident prone.
Hardly anyone would think it's ok, no idea what's happening on this thread tbh.

No, I don't have a landline. He can leave the house, knock on neighbours doors, the shop on the corner, passers by, there are lots of options where we live.

@userfriendly55 agree with this OP, I don't know anyone in real life who would leave a 9 and 6 year old home alone.

Surely that's the opposite of old fashioned? It's extremely modern parenting.

Why does this need a handhold?

Would I leave them alone together? No.
Would I make it a hill to die on with an ex? No.
I would have a word with him, tell him you are uncomfortable with the young one being left, but ultimately, he is also their parent and you have to trust his judgement. Ask him to put an emergency plan in place, a neighbour, a spare phone, etc.

This is within normal parenting decisions and certainly wouldn't be a reason to stop or disrupt contact.

It doesn't need a handhold @userfriendly55 is being over dramatic.

If she puts her grown up brain in she can have a chat with him expressing her concerns.

…so if there’s a fire he just has to hope that someone notices and he doesn’t burn to death? Or if he breaks a leg he has to hop to the neighbours?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it and for it to be something you wouldn't feel confident doing, but at the same time I don't think he's necessarily done anything 'wrong'. It's a tricky part of co-parenting and I empathise. Are you both amicable? If you raised that you were uncomfortable how do you think he'd react? I do get that a parent can do what they feel is right in their time with the children, but it's healthy in an ideal world to be able to discuss stuff like this but appreciate that isn't always the case.

He can't do any of those things if he's hurt, alone inside a presumably locked house.

I'm very surprised at how many of you are happy to leave your 6yo's alone, I have a 5yo who is no where near being ready for that and a 8yo who probably isn't ready either.

If he did this a few years ago, did he leave then 4&7yo's, I'm not sure I could have trusted his judgement after the first incident.

It's one of those things where unless you know the exact children no one can really judge.

I have extremely independent children because it's important to me that they don't become feckless teens and adults- children are vastly more capable than we allow them to be these days.

I volunteered with a group of year 3/4 children recently and was perturbed how many of them couldn't do basic thing I would have (and did) expect a nursery age child to be able to do.

I would view it a parenting failure if a neurotypical 7 year old genuinely couldn't dress themselves.

Regarding leaving children- I will happily leave my capable 8 year old for 20 mins, if they were playing nicely together or zoned out watching TV I would also leave the even more capable and sensible 6 year old if I really had no choice but would admittedly feel anxious about it - so not done it yet as had no reason to.

Both can use the landline and find the presaved numbers on it and also use alexa to call my mobile and can recite their address and postcode and know how to ring 999. Surely that sort of stuff is basic?

If there is a fire, he leaves the house, which is a more sensible course of action than hanging around to make a landline phone call. The leg break is vanishingly unlikely whilst watching TV and eating crisps but yes, if it did happen, he would need to hop to the front door. I'm confident that he can handle stuff. We've been working on his independence for years, what are acceptable risks to take in various scenarios etc.

No wonder there's so many young people with anxieties. The parents coming up with a list of potential disasters that might befall a child in a few minutes popping to local shops. Fires, broken limbs, predators etc. How do these children learn to cross the road (might get knocked over), go to school (mummies not there to protect you), visit a park, play with friends with helicopter hovering to manage any potential outcomes.

What kind of serious injury are you imagining here?

Have you ever seen a house fire? I’m assuming not. This is insane to me. Do you think you’ve got 10 minutes to get your stuff together whilst the flames take hold? And the flames are considerate and don’t block exits? Or you’re not overcome by smoke inhalation long before your legs will stop carrying you? Please, please reconsider this. Children and adults die in house fires all the time. At least give him a cheap Nokia or something when you go out.

Leaving a 9 year old in charge of an accident prone 6 year old is ridiculous

And I’ve been called too relaxed on here for the boundaries I let my kids have.

Especially with Dad having no way to contact the kids if he’s held up.

On what planet is it ok to leave those ages alone when going to a shop? People get held up all the time and they’re too young to cope with what an adult can cope with or not to decide to do something idiotic. In Ireland recommended age is 13