Exh left kids alone - handhold

[userfriendly55]

NC for this.

my 2 children have just got home from a weekend with their dad. My eldest who is nearly 10 told me that their dad left them in his house to go to the Tesco express in his village. It is very close to his house but by the time he would have got there, done the shopping and got back I estimate he’d have left them for a good 25 minutes. our youngest is nearly 7.

He has done this before a couple of years ago. I went mad and exh promised not to do it again. Yet here we are. I know they are older now so I’m not quite as angry but I’m still a bit angry and upset. Our youngest is very accident prone. The irony is is that my exh is supposedly very risk averse and hasn’t been taking them out of the house much because of the storms, but thinks it is ok to leave a not yet 7 year old home alone!!

I have started to leave our nearly 10 year old for short periods to build up independence but I have NEVER left the younger one too.

AIBU to be angry still? I just don’t know what to do or say. If I message ex we will end up just arguing and I’m not convinced it will achieve anything.

But the 6 year old is with the 10 year old. If the 10 year old can't babysit for 25 mins, there is something wrong there.

Everyone I knew though had a landline, so you might not have been able to call your parent unless they were somewhere specific like work but you could still call emergency series or a family friend or relative for help. My dad had am outdoor job and we couldn't contact him while he was working at all. At 12 I had to ring for an ambulance after my brother collapsed and go with him to hospital, it took them an hour to track my dad down. Since I have no landline at our house and XH has none at his and I don't want my kids home without a phone they have access to a mobile to use if necessary.

My eldest was happy alone for 90 minutes at that age. We did once try 2 hours because she really didn't want to go to her brothers therapy appointment (he has SN) but she decided that was too much. Current 10 year old is happy for me to do the school run, which is 10 minutes and that's it unless his sister is home with him. Kids can differ a lot so I go on what they're comfortable with.

25 minutes is completely OK. This is a problem with your anxiety and distrust but I can't see an issue with your DH leaving them for 25 minutes on their own.

Depends on the individual 6 year old and their relationship with the 10 year old. My youngest gets into all sorts and fights with the 10 year old so I dont leave them together. My eldest confidently left at home at 10. I'd leave middle child too, but he isn't comfortable on his own past the 10 minutes to do the school run. They're individual concerns though, I think most kids are fine at those ages. Must admit though I haven't mentioned it to friends and it's good to see I'm not the only one that does this.

Half an hour is fine.

instead of wasting your time & energy arguing with him about this, spend the time & energy making sure they know what to do in an emergency. If you're worried about there being no landline but them a dumb mobile.

and reinforce that they are both 'home without an adult'. Don't put the responsibility on the 10 year old. If anything should ever happen it's too much guilt for a child to live with. Life changing.

I’m 90s kid and I know times where different back then but I was left alone at home when I was 5, suppose I was really mature and responsible kid never did anything naughty, knew my address and how to use phone, never open the door to strangers but leave if there is fire/ emergency.
All my friends parents were doing the same and it was just normal back then.

Are kids just really childish and irresponsible these days or are we just not giving them a chance?
10 and 7 seems to me very normal age to left for a quick shop unless special needs etc.
Teach them what needs to be done in emergency and they will be fine.

6 seems too young to be left and 9 seems too young to be left in charge of a younger sibling. I'd teach them some home safety skills (phoning 999, getting out in an emergency, basic first aid) and have a word with exh that they still seem too young in your opinion and to find out his rationale. It doesn't have to be an angry confrontation, just a discussion about how to reconcile two different opinions.

Then clearly their dad made the judgement they’re fine to be left alone. Which he is allowed to do as their parent. OP can’t just dictate things.

But shop was within walking distance......so 10 yr old could have gone for help in an emergency.

They are in fact 9 and 6 and much too young to be left,

Sounds like a normal parenting decision to me.

Op should have posted their real ages rather than putting ‘nearly’

I don’t know anyone that would consider leaving a six year old! I would call the police or SS if I found out such a young child was alone. Much too young.

What do you plan to do op? It’s a safeguarding issue. Take some advice and consider supervised contact. He can’t be trusted. Please tell me he doesn’t take them on holiday?

It absolutely isn't.

A 9/10 yo is ok to be left... but not old enough to be "responsible" for a younger child. If something had happened, it would have been seen as neglect. You wouldn't leave a 6yo alone! The fact they told the mother shows they were uncomfortable

I would get your older child a phone, even just a dumb phone, so they can always contact you.

If a child is nearly 7, they have been alive for nearly 8 years..
It depends how sensible they are.

There are many factors that would go into a decision like this. How responsible the children are, where you live, who’s close by etc. I think 6 and 10 is definitely on the young side but not so ridiculous that I’d be getting social services involved. Maybe reach out and have a conversation with your ex about how to handle these things now they are getting older.

It is shocking to leave such young children alone. Ever heard of temptation?! Why can't he/other posters take their children with them to the shop? Are the kids not capable of behaving themselves for half an hour out shopping? I don't care how much they would protest etc, it is irresponsible. By all means teach them self care and safety but for heavens sake you are the parents, parent them!

I would have left the 10 year old but not the 6 year old! I would see if you can come to an agreement about what age is suitable.

In a village.
Shop close by.
10 and 7.

You don't need a 'handhold' since nothings happened. People ask for a handhold when something awful has occurred eg death, serious illness not something so ridiculous. 😂

In their own home, for a visit to village shop.nearby

Handhold? He popped to the shop not Ayia Napa. Are you always this dramatic?!

Exactly. Do you and your ex have a high conflict relationship? Don't let this be the hill you die on

The threshold for SS isn't leaving 2 children for a few minutes whilst dad pops to nearby village shop. They'd be tied up all over the country whilst genuine neglect needs to be addressed and sadly work overload means visiting child protection young people is rushed.

There are children of roughly the same age (oldest is y6 and younger is maybe year 2) that I see getting the bus and crossing busy roads to school together.

I suppose the difference in that case is that the parents have likely agreed together? So I can see why you are annoyed as your views aren’t taken into consideration… but it’s really not the crime of the century.