Exh left kids alone - handhold

[userfriendly55]

NC for this.

my 2 children have just got home from a weekend with their dad. My eldest who is nearly 10 told me that their dad left them in his house to go to the Tesco express in his village. It is very close to his house but by the time he would have got there, done the shopping and got back I estimate he’d have left them for a good 25 minutes. our youngest is nearly 7.

He has done this before a couple of years ago. I went mad and exh promised not to do it again. Yet here we are. I know they are older now so I’m not quite as angry but I’m still a bit angry and upset. Our youngest is very accident prone. The irony is is that my exh is supposedly very risk averse and hasn’t been taking them out of the house much because of the storms, but thinks it is ok to leave a not yet 7 year old home alone!!

I have started to leave our nearly 10 year old for short periods to build up independence but I have NEVER left the younger one too.

AIBU to be angry still? I just don’t know what to do or say. If I message ex we will end up just arguing and I’m not convinced it will achieve anything.

Are they a bit immature?
Mine walked to school at 7 on their own. It was only a 10 mins walk with no major roads. But couldn't get upset by this.
They are now very independent teens who have loads of confidence.

@Moonlightstars my 7 year old can’t even dress herself yet, let alone walk to school!! My eldest used to get the (private) school bus to school at that age though. They sound very mature!

I left my 7 year old with my 21 year old for the first time today and the 21 year old called me and asked me to come home as soon as I arrived at the chemists because dd was inconsolable. Our chemists is 10 mins away.

It would be ok if they had a phone to contact him on but seeing as they don’t I wouldn’t be happy. 10 year old fine but not a 6 year old.

I guess different strokes and all that! I had 3 kids very close together and wanted them to have a similar upbringing to me. Lots of freedom and space to make mistakes and learn.
They are all a bit ND (in 3 different ways to add to the fun) which strengthened my resolve to make them independent.

What did you think could or might happen.
I get catastrophizing I do it myself. I've also nipped to the shop at that stage of DC's, 10 minutes.
As long as he doesn't think it's ok to leave them while he nips to the gym or whatever for a couple of hours. Make a point not an issue.

25 minutes seems to be a huge overestimation for nipping to the shop "near to his house" for loo roll.

Is this about him doing this or is it because anything he does that you deem wrong feeds into an existing narrative that you have about him?

I get that. When someone has been (say) a selfish shit and then they are tiny bit selfish again, its not a small thing, its magnified by the previous behaviour.

Why did you break up?

I left my two sons at home with strict instructions not to open the front door and my brother turned up unexpectedly. We didn’t see him that often and they didn’t really recognise him so didn’t open the door. He had to ring my mum who rang the house and told them it was ok to let him in. He satin the wall outside!!

I don't think I'd be that bothered tbh. I left mine for short periods from a similar age onwards. You've got to do it at some point.

I’m amazed people left 6yo at home

I was coming to say I think its OK but seen your update of no phone and I would be nervous too. My husband or I probably would have left ours at that age, however witb a phone, with knowledge of how to get out in a fire and who to run to if scared etc.

We have 5 girls of varying ages so do leave the older with a younger one for short bursts, they have to learn at some stage and I would rather remove the enigma young. But really does depend on how they are left and how mature they are.

Maybe teach them how to use a mobile in an emergency and give them a phone to take with thrm. You can't force your ex but you can work around his parenting I would do that.

Not every 6 year old is the same, some are easier to teach what to do in x circumstances over others and depends on the support / familiarity of neighbours around them.

Unless the children have special needs I see no problem with this at all. I am also a foster carer and children's services would not object either.

Is she delayed? Dressing yourself is on the curriculum for EYFS as a milestone that children should have hit by the age of 5. Why was she inconsolable to be looked after by the 21 year old? Do you never go out without her?

He would not be having them again if he was my Ex he'd have to see them at mine or only take them out for the day , if he didn't like it he'd have to take me to court.
If he can't be trusted he would not have them alone.

Handhold for what?

I'm maybe old fashioned but I never left my very sensible DS home alone until he was about 14.

I've seen too many horror stories about house fires and kids being trapped to trust the survival instincts of such young kids if there was an emergency situation.

That seems really old to me.

I was babysitting other people's children at 12.

It sounds like your anxiety made that decision.

Too young in my opinion to be left home alone. The youngest anyway, and oldest shouldn’t be responsible for looking after the youngest

I wouldn't be happy about him leaving them with no phone, but the time and ages aren't an issue for me as long as the kids are comfortable with it. I know mine are happy to skip the shops whenever they can. I wouldn’t actually leave my 8 & 10 year old home together, but that's because they fight. Happy to leave them with my 13 year old in charge and she's stayed home on her own since she was 9 or 10. XH left 10 year old at home on his own without a phone for over half an hour recently, which I wasn't happy about so I'm organising him a cheap phone with a small amount of credit. 10 year old isn't actually happy staying that long, but was sick and they weren't supposed to be gone long. He was upset after, but telling XH that will result in nasty behaviour so I'm solving the issue without his input.

I would expect a 10 year old to be left a lot longer than a mere 25 mins! Some 10 year old even babysit their siblings when their parent goes shopping or in town. Many 10 year olds were proudly latchkey kids and walked to school and back. What is going on with society when a 10 year old cannot even be left at home for 25 mins for goodness sake? No wonder kids are growing up and leaving home unable to navigate the tube or be on their own. Its really embarrassing that this is society today. To me their father is being a responsible father and not babying them and wrapping them in cotton wool. And kids can duck next door to the neighbours surely if something happens. Like we all did growing up when none of us had mobile phones back then.

Away from mumsnet in the real world I don't know anyone who would have a problem leaving a 10 year old at home alone for half a day, let alone 25 mins - thank goodness.

I would be upset about this too OP, when it comes to leaving the kids on their own, parents need to be on the same page and it might be an unpopular opinion but I think the parent who is uncomfortable with it trumps the other parent!

Not a chance would I leave a 9 and 6 year old home alone for any amount of time and I know my partner would 100% agree with this. Away from mumsnet, I don't know anyone in real life who would ever leave their children home alone at these ages.

The vast majority of 7 year olds can dress themselves. Mine have SN but could all dress themselves before 7, including the one that had significant fine motor delays at 5 we did a lot of work on this with OT and physio. Him not being able to dress himself at 5 was already seen as a significant delay in his fine motor and personal care skills. If she has developmental delays or a physical or mental disability it's not really the same. If she doesn't have a relevant diagnosis or disability Id be getting this checked out personally.

I made it pretty obvious in my post that it’s him leaving the 6 year old that I have a problem with. As I said I have left the 10 year old for short periods myself.

Yes mine are a similar age and I agree with this.

That doesn’t make it ok though. And there is no way I would ever leave my children alone in the care of a 12 year old.