To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

No point doing it through BIL if he doesn't want to embarrass her you can't trust him to deal with it.

"God no, you insufferable twat' would be my response to every single batshit claim. On repeat. Until she got the message.

If that's too blunt, phone and tell her direct that her behaviour makes her an insufferable twat and you can't be arsed to indulge it this year.

That should do the trick!

Make this the decider of when and if there are any other invites.

The thing is Op, she thinks differently to you, she sees you all getting embarrassed and pushes it so you either give it to her or you get pissed off and say no. She blatantly sees it akin to bartering for an item and either answer is like water off a ducks back to her. So if you pull her up she will either shrug it off or be annoyed she hasn’t got her own way, either reaction is of no concern but be prepared for her not to learn her lesson and carry on in the future. If you turn it into a joke rebuff then you can carry on with it in the future without it becoming a line in the sand and not ever seeing them again. So tell “Queen Mary to stop hassling the peasants for their gifts, food etc and buy her own”.

Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

I'd be taking her at her word on that. Extremely unpleasant behaviour. If everybody stopped inviting her perhaps either she or your BIL would address the issue.

This is insane!

I would be really embarrassed if I was a guest at yours and sil told me to stop eating certain foods. I would be put off my dinner and be desperate to leave.

Of course you or dh should have a word with her beforehand, for the sake of other guests at least. And I mean a proper talk, none of this laughing it off or the passive aggressive comments suggested in some posts here.

but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed

Point out to him that you and your guests are embarrassed by this behaviour, so embarrassing her is definitely the lesser evil. You clearly need to raise this with her before she comes, and tell her that if there is any repetition you will be reminding her publicly every time that she's been told not to.

Quick text "hi SIL, just to say thanks to you inspiring us with your frugal ways we're going to be using our leftovers for our Boxing Day meal so there won't be any to take home this year. Just thought I'd let you know so you can factor it into your shopping. Also, an amazing local charity is collecting unwanted Christmas gifts, so if you're given anything you don't want feel free to bring it along and I can donate it for you. Looking forward to seeing you both x"

”No, you can’t have the leftover turkey leg/Brussels sprouts/mini Magnum classic/my talc, you tight-fisted wench. Now fuck off…” Should cover it.
If she’s going to be so piss-takingly rude there’s no need for you to hold back. Alternatively just deck her.

"No, you may not!" Is a good phrase to learn.
Especially if she says "can" assuming it will be granted, rather than "may" which does, at least, imply asking permission.
Although, seriously, does she really do this? It is so rude, not to mention manipulative.

"It's a 'no freebie' Christmas this year - sorry - I've got plans for it all!"
'No freebie Christmas' can be your go to phrase this year & then make plans without her for next year.

Just say no… and briskly move on.

Your SIL’s behaviour is extremely weird and very rude. I’m certainly not condoning this, but the only rational explanation I can think of is if your BIL and SIL make a contribution towards the food and or drink on the big day maybe she feels ‘entitled’ to get some of the leftovers. If they do contribute, either goods or money, I’d explain in advance that all leftovers will be shared out on a pro rata basis, ie if you contributed 1/10 of the total cost you can take home up to 1/10 of the leftovers!

However, if they don’t contribute, I’d be tempted to send a message to SIL and BIL today explaining this year you’ve decided to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas by doing a charity fundraiser on the big day. Say something like,
…Looking forward to seeing you and hosting Christmas for everyone again. This year, DH and I have decided to use this opportunity to give something to our local food bank/charities supporting the increasing number of children and elderly people living in poverty in the UK. We find it especially poignant to think of those less fortunate than us all at Christmas time when we always have so much more than we need. In order to make an sizeable donation, we intend to eke out any food leftovers for a week so we can donate the money we will save on our next week’s food shop. Alternatively, as we know how much you like leftovers, please bring some cash with you as we will be selling off leftovers by weight at £10 per 100g and it’s strictly cash on the day. Additionally, after everyone has opened their gifts we will be holding a charity auction to sell any unwanted gifts to the highest bidder, with a starting price fixed at 100% of the original cost.

From what you’ve said, SIL won’t want any presents she has to pay for or leftovers at £10 per 100g! 🤣🤣

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month

Tell your husband to cancel them.

I never thought I'd quote Nancy Reagan but " Just say No"

I'd probably go with this. Be absolutely incredulous in your response. 'No, obviously you can't have my Christmas gifts.' 'No, obviously you're not taking home the left overs, you're being incredibly rude so stop asking.'

If I host people I want them to help themselves, eat and drink as much as they like and feel right at home. But someone like this in my house would make me shut that down very quickly and I would become pretty resentful of them having anything. I would dish out smaller, over cooked portions of food, wouldn't offer to top up their drink etc. I hope she isn't the type to take it even if you say no. If she is, and you think she will, pointedly tell her, in front of others, that you will have no problem checking her bag before she leaves. She sounds like she needs to feel embarrassed by her behaviour.

What really strange behaviour. I have a family member who is very like this but they had a brain aneurism a long time ago and it's her 'normal' so such odd behaviour is just ignored by us now.

I'm guessing no such medical issues with your SIL OP?!

If you can, I would speak to her and say 'don't go asking for doggy bags, don't ask to keep a gift that has been given to me because if you do, I will call you out and embarrass you about your behaviour in front of everyone'. Make sure BIL is aware too.

She sounds bloody insufferable and personally I'd be developing 'tonsillitis' or COVID so to avoid having them over. Tough shit if they can't find a turkey this late in the day!!

So weird. Sounds like she's not right in the head.

Think

SIL BIL DH You.

As in, there are two brothers in between you. Two men whose failure to commmunicate and assert themselves is causing you upset.

Today, have a stern word with your husband.

Tell him how how distressed his SIL's behaviour makes you.

Tell him to speak to his brother and set out that SIL's behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Tell him to tell him to tell her to behave in a civilised fashion.

No scrounging free food.

No vulture behaviour over other people's presents.

Shouldn't have to ... Yet here we are.

If they fail, on the day, imagine she is a dog attempting to steal food off people's plates, or a toddler trying to steal another child's present.

Find your 'NO. BAD GIRL. That's food for everyone / that's x's present, not yours.'

NO can do a lot of work by itself.

I think I am more angry at you. Stand up for yourself and your home. I wouod tell her to pipe down and stop repwating herself. No she cant have leftovers - I woule liie them for tomorrow (she can take her own leftovers home) and no you cant take our presents stingy old bat.
You need to get a backbone and ao does your DH. Twpp her as soon as she arrives. We will not tolerate that kind of behaviour this Xmas if you don't comply we will ask you to leave.

"No your can't. Stop asking."

Repeat.

You could always say “it’s a no this time, sorry” as that’s less personal from than “I said no” in the short term and to avoid a row on Xmas day. But I would minimise contact in the future - that’s the consequence for her behaviour.

I think you need to talk to them today and say you and everyone else found her behaviour rude and uncomfortable last year and you hope she won't be like that again this year. You or your DH talk to them both so it's all out in the open between the four of you. And say that if it happens again this year they won't be invited back again.

Weird how the BIL said she'll be embarrassed if anyone says anything about her behaviour! Good, she should be embarrassed!

My mother used to do this on behalf of niece over my dc. They were all a similar age and she just preferred dsis daughter and made mine feel inferior. It was always ‘don’t eat that! DN might want it’ or ‘I’m putting these chocolates away so DN can choose first’ she once offered my dc a kinder egg ‘but only the toy as DN ate the chocolate from all 3 last time she was here’ etc etc.

One day we went round and she said to me ‘don’t you dare touch those cookies they are for DN. I’m sure your dc ate before you got here’ I saw red and just opened the packet and handed each dc one and dn then sat silently and ate the rest . She just looked at me totally horrified. Then I took the dc home and didn’t see her again.

Sorry not exactly the same but just how someone was putting dibs on things before anyone else got a chance !!

I'm picturing OP smacking SIL with a rolled up newspaper. 🗞️